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-   -   A poly asked me out. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11363)

tenderandreserved 06-24-2011 07:00 AM

A poly asked me out.
 
I'm a single female, early twenties. I used to think I was mono, but considering the amount that I date, maybe that's not accurate. But I never thought about polyamory, until a polyamorous man started spending a lot of time with me, and things heated up.

Now I guess I'm what could be called a second? I know he maintains other relationships, plural, but that's all I know. No - I also know he REALLY loves one of the other girls, because he talked about initial jealousy.

I like the guy. A lot. But I find myself with so many questions... I worry about calling him, in case he's "occupied." I imagine some of the women posting on his facebook are ones he's involved with, and they're more beautiful than I am, and know him better. I worry that he's not really into me, but that he's acting on his freedom to sleep around, and takes advantage of my liking him. I worry that he'll get bored shortly, since I'm less attractive and witty, and move on.

Obviously these are silly insecurities. But can some members of this community help me understand? How do I know it's not meaningless?

clairegoad 06-24-2011 11:01 AM

You'll learn a lot about yourself...

You'll learn a lot about dating...

Roll with the experience, but don't risk more than you normally would. Don't worry about prettier. Personality, intelligence and wit don't photograph as easily. Don't compare your insides with their outsides...

Ultimately, you may end up with a bunch of close friends that you never would have met.... on the mono path.

TruckerPete 06-24-2011 11:45 AM

Scheduling is a common theme in poly relationships. If you haven't already, sit down with him to find out if he's got regularly scheduled date times with others, so that you don't interrupt. If you think that you can handle knowing, ask him to let you know when he's with someone so that you don't interrupt. Or, work out a system where he simply doesn't answer the phone if he's occupied, and that's okay with you.

There are so many options. Poly is about making up your own relationship structure with those you love (or potentially love!).

How long have you two been seeing each other?

Do some tag searches around here for mono/poly, secondary, and foundations. You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.

MonoVCPHG 06-24-2011 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 88279)
You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.

This.

TL4everu2 06-24-2011 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 88279)
You may also want to check out the secondary's bill of rights thread to make sure your guy is legit, and not just using poly as an excuse to sleep around.

Link please. :D

MonoVCPHG 06-24-2011 04:19 PM

As requested
 
:)

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...secondary+bill

TL4everu2 06-24-2011 04:43 PM

Thanks Mono! ;) The interweb pwns me.

redpepper 06-24-2011 08:06 PM

A tag search for "lessons" might help also.

Really the only thing I would suggest is not investing too $uch until you get into the feel of it. Keep your independece and keep busy with yoiur own life. You should do this anyway really I think.

nycindie 06-24-2011 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tenderandreserved (Post 88260)
I know he maintains other relationships, plural, but that's all I know. No - I also know he REALLY loves one of the other girls, because he talked about initial jealousy.

I like the guy. A lot. But I find myself with so many questions... I worry about calling him, in case he's "occupied." I imagine some of the women posting on his facebook are ones he's involved with, and they're more beautiful than I am, and know him better. I worry that he's not really into me, but that he's acting on his freedom to sleep around, and takes advantage of my liking him. I worry that he'll get bored shortly, since I'm less attractive and witty, and move on.

Obviously these are silly insecurities. But can some members of this community help me understand? How do I know it's not meaningless?

I have to say, just because he is polyamorous does not mean he is "acting on his freedom to sleep around." Poly and open are two different things and you shouldn't assume that he is sleeping around just because he is poly, has a main squeeze, and might be dating you and others. It could be that he dates to find someone to be more serious with and only has sex with a core few. People have different definitions of what dating is, what poly is, what primary and secondary mean to them, even what safe/safer sex is. So, he could be sleeping around -- but you won't know unless you ask him!

These are not silly insecurities -- you have valid questions.

If you have been or plan to be sexual with him, you need to know how many people he's involved with and what kind of safer sex practices he uses.

The only way to know if you can call him without interrupting anything is to ask him - "hey, what nights can I call?" Simple.

I'm sure you told him you have never been in a situation like this, so he should be receptive to questions. You don't have to act like you are totally together, in control, and "got it covered." Just say, "I really don't know what I'm doing, or how this works. Explain to me what poly means to you." And so on.

Oh, and about checking out the pics of the women who post on his FB, stop imagining which ones he's with and ask him that too! You should know who they are, it shouldn't be a big mystery. Poly is about communicating and being informed. THEN - stop comparing yourself to them. Nobody ever wins when we play the compare game, it's just an unkind thing to do to yourself. He is attracted to you and wants to be with you for you.

But you know, YOU could be the person to move on. You shouldn't let whether or not you continue with him be totally up to him. Be a woman in charge and weigh all the information to make your own decision.

Tonberry 06-26-2011 12:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 88370)
Oh, and about checking out the pics of the women who post on his FB, stop imagining which ones he's with and ask him that too! You should know who they are, it shouldn't be a big mystery.

Exactly what I was thinking! Poly isn't about secrets. What's scary and can fuel our insecurities often is mystery. "Who else is he with? How many of them? Maybe she's nicer than me and perfect and so on?"
Well, ask who his other partners are, they're your metamours, it's perfectly normal for you to know them, talk to them and get to know them. It's much less scary when it's an actual person you know.
Plus this way one might tell you she's seeing him a specific day and time and you'll know not to call then, or you can arrange schedules with them too, not just with him.
Plus knowing your metamours is a good way to be sure he's not actually cheating. Sadly it doesn't seem uncommon for cheaters to just go "oh yeah, my wife/girlfriend/partner know" (or the potential plural equivalents) because this way they have to hide the cheating from one less person and it's easier for them to deal with.


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