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-   -   poly for the relationship (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1135)

redsirenn 11-04-2009 06:49 PM

poly for the relationship
 
Ok - another question: ( I am having lots of these right now)

Ouroboros and I are having a FABULOUS time. This has been one of the best relationships of my life so far. I have my fears, etc. but here is something rattling around in my brain... I am not even sure if this is true for me, but would be concerned if it were.

The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

[To complicate things, I keep thinking about the other man I love, who has no idea about this situation (but we are not together... This has been a cause of suffering for me as well). ]

I wonder if doing this because I want to see where the relationship will go is ethical to myself? OR am I selling out? thoughts?

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2009 07:09 PM

Selling out what?

redsirenn 11-04-2009 07:22 PM

mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."

Ceoli 11-04-2009 07:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 11190)
The choices: Lots of hard work and agony, and taking time away from other important things in my life to explore polyamory (see maintaining self identity thread) OR giving up something really good.

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

I'm not sure what the right answer is for you, but I do know that for myself, if I'm trying to sustain a relationship based on convincing myself that I can change something fundamental (either in myself or in my partner) in order to preserve the relationship, it's always going to be on shaky ground.

Plus I find it interesting that you're saying you're giving up something really good when that really good still involves "hard work and agony, taking time away from other important things in your life". For me, if I say "My relationship is wonderful, except for x", the the actual truth is that my relationship isn't wonderful with that niggling "x" sitting in the middle of it.

MonoVCPHG 11-04-2009 07:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 11198)
mono - that is kinda the question... is going thru all of this for the sake of a relationship "good" for a person. or should that person want it for reasons that pertain to them as well? Like "you should only enter an open or poly relationship if it is something you want as well, not because someone else wants it, or for the sake of the (in this case good) relationship."

For me it's about being healthy. I don't want to be poly, nor did I seek out a poly relationship. Poly is a package deal with Redepper. I am healthy in that and inevitably that is what it comes down to.

redsirenn 11-04-2009 07:43 PM

well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:
Quote:

Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 11190)

It seems like I might be doing this because I like the relationship... not necessarily because polyamory is something I NEED.

Is that ethical to myself?


MonoVCPHG 11-04-2009 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redsirenn (Post 11204)
well - Ceoli, that is exactly what I am struggling with.

The hard work and agony is the extra work I will have to do to work thru confronting jealousy, etc. Not a result of abuse or anything like that.

This thing is, that everyone on this forum says that poly is hard work, there is alot of pain in working thru jealousy, things you will have to face that you didn't even know existed, blah blah blah.

So - then everyone has the same niggling x in their "good relationship" as I do.

If it is how you say, why even go thru with it then?

and - i think i kind've answered that part of my question. All relationships are work, regardless of their form... its just a matter of if I am willing to do the work. I would not be changing anything fundamental in myself.

OK - So, the question I really have now is related to the following:



I'm a little lost...are you poly? Or are you trying to adapt to it to be with your partner?

I would find it baffling why anyone who isn't poly would "need" it but I do understand why a person would try to adapt to it in order to be with someone they love.

ladyjools 11-04-2009 07:54 PM

this is a really intresting question

Poly is hard work, so is most relationships but poly is hard work in a diffrent way, however this is my opinion and this is ONLY my opinion this could be taken the wrong way and i normally don't say this but i think maybe my point of view might be useful

in many monogomous relationships, people are tiptoeing around issues like jelousy, insecurity becuase they never have a need to confront things, they feel jelous and so they make a rule that the thing that makes me feel jelous is forbidden,
the result is often affairs,
and a lack of comunication

i think that poly is more rewarding (for me) because i am actually openning my heart in a way i never thought possible, i feel jelous and i talk about it, really think about what is bringing up ANY feelings good or bad and i comunicate with my partners in a very radical way,

i am not saying that poly is better than mono for everyone but from my experience it has been better for me to conduct my relationships this way,

as for should you do this becuase you want the relationship even though you are not sure if you really would otherwise,

i say why not give it a chance, because clearly you do have some connection with this partner and i think that often we regret the things we didn't do and not the things we did do, if at the end of the day it doesn't work then you can say that you tried but it wasn't for you, and you may even start to enjoy it,

:)
Jools

Ceoli 11-04-2009 07:57 PM

I'm not really in the camp that poly relationships automatically involve agony. They definitely involve work but I've yet to know any worthwhile relationship that doesn't involve work. But it's the kind of work that I love doing.

So I guess it depends on where the agony is coming from. Quite frankly, if there's agony involved in any of my relationships, I'm pretty sure they're not good relationships for me.

If you're ok with the poly stuff, then it strikes me that there's no problem. But if you're viewing the poly as a source of agony in your relationship, then I would give that some serious thought.

redsirenn 11-04-2009 08:03 PM

yes, I can see how this is a bit confusing. It stems from me being confused myself!

I have no idea if I am poly or not - mainly because I don't know how to define it. I know I can have feelings for more than one person at a time, but I choose to not act on it mainly based on time constraints. I like to put alot into things in my life and I always have alot going on (PhD, music, art, I am very social, travel, etc). To be honest, I really don't care to label whatever i "am". I just go with it. regardless, I do feel that being in this type of relationship with Ouroboros will bring up feelings of jealousy and will be hard, regardless of how i feel about others.

Anyhow, this thread comes from the idea that you should not enter into things "for the sake of a relationship or for someone else". That these things should be done because "of your needs, what you want, etc."

I don't even know if I buy that - why is it wrong to do something FOR someone or BECAUSE of someone else's needs? Where is the line drawn?


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