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-   -   So how exactly does this work with the military? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11331)

funfunkyfantastic 06-23-2011 06:12 AM

So how exactly does this work with the military?
 
So here's our situation, husband is currently in the navy and I am wanting/in the process of joining the army. Husband plans to leave the navy and join the army at some point (possibly blue to green). I have a daughter from a previous marriage and the father is still in the picture so he's helping me raise her.

Anyhow, we're new to polyamory or at least he is. I've never myself gotten into it but was raised (from 17 up) in a polamorous family. We know the duel military thing is going to be hard already but we're trying to figure out how poly might fit into the equation. We know it's illegal (in the military anyway) to commit adultery, which is what they consider polyamory. Neither of us would want to jeopardize our careers, but yet we also want to explore polyamory.

What would be our ideal course of action? Should we quietly date people and try to hide this from the military somehow? And what exactly is suggested as a method of hiding this?

or

Should we eventually get divorced but stay together and just have a hand fasting ceremony so that we're not breaking any laws? The disadvantage here would be less pay. However I would still be getting BAH for my daughter.

How do other military families make this work? I mean, obviously people do make it work or there wouldn't be so many military people on here.

Another question is getting involved with other military members. Not only would we jeopardize our careers, but theirs as well. Thoughts?

MonoVCPHG 06-23-2011 06:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funfunkyfantastic (Post 88064)

How do other military families make this work? I mean, obviously people do make it work or there wouldn't be so many military people on here.

I'm Canadian military and luckily they stay out of our personal lives. I guess if you were gunning for a top position it would be a big deal because of all the societal obligations of top personnel partners. Luckily I'm in a lower key stream..and pensionable so fuck em! :D

redpepper 06-23-2011 06:26 AM

there are a couple of threads that are tagged "military" if you want to have a look.

nycindie 06-23-2011 06:41 AM

I wouldn't get divorced unless you knew you would still get all your benefits. It's so drastic and affects everything, including insurance, filing your taxes, and so on. Besides, you're just starting out and looking at exploring polyamory. Getting divorced now is kind of jumping the gun, I think. Who knows what could happen? You both might find that poly does not really work for your relationship, but you'd be divorced. I think dip your toes in, slowly, under the radar, take baby steps, and do not come out about it. And after a time, a few years down the road, if/when you've established good, solid poly relationships that you can count on, then discuss if proceeding with divorce would benefit you.

funfunkyfantastic 06-23-2011 07:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 88070)
I wouldn't get divorced unless you knew you would still get all your benefits. It's so drastic and affects everything, including insurance, filing your taxes, and so on. Besides, you're just starting out and looking at exploring polyamory. Getting divorced now is kind of jumping the gun, I think. Who knows what could happen? You both might find that poly does not really work for your relationship, but you'd be divorced. I think dip your toes in, slowly, under the radar, take baby steps, and do not come out about it. And after a time, a few years down the road, if/when you've established good, solid poly relationships that you can count on, then discuss if proceeding with divorce would benefit you.

Well we wouldn't do the divorce thing right away and it would probably be only as a last resort once we have established poly relationships. This would also only be after i've already gone through all my training in the military as well. So it will be a few years down the road either way. Thanks for the advice though. I like the positive input.

transitapparent 06-23-2011 08:54 AM

there's no reason to get divorced. it's easiest to just keep quiet about it at work. the military doesn't just come looking for things like this. it has to be reported by someone. even then there are a number of things they have to prove.

River 06-23-2011 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funfunkyfantastic (Post 88064)
We know it's illegal (in the military anyway) to commit adultery, which is what they consider polyamory.

Are you sure you want to join an institution that treats people like this? As if it is any of their business at all who a person loves! I'll tell you what, as a bi man, I have already been a little pissed at the military for the DADT policy. And now I see they also have mandatory monogamy!

And, let's be honest here (I'll have to go back and see if you're an USA-ian), America's military has been involved in one utterly unjustified and illegal war after another, and it looks more like a tool of the empire builders than an arm of real national defense.

In this forum, we encourage people to leave bad relationships that can't be healed and stay out of bad -- dysfunctional -- relationships to begin with. My two cents? Stay out of this one. You deserve better.

PIIM 09-20-2011 06:59 AM

Ucmj
 
There's always the catch-all "Good order and discipline" clause that commanders have the discretion to impose on any life choices, but has anyone actually sifted through the UCMJ on this?

I'm new to the forum, so if anyone's touched on this in another thread, please let me know.

It's kind of infuriating the way infidelity is such an open secret in the military, but we're afraid to be honest about poly relationships. Seems like poly is all about honesty and openness.

his1911 09-20-2011 01:50 PM

Well having dealt with UCMJ, pretty much any sex not for procreation is sodomy, which is punishable!

Having said that, and having spent 6 years in the Army as a bi male, as part of an open relationship, I'll say for the most part the Army really doesn't go on witch hunts looking for LGBT, poly or open relationships, or even adultery.
If it causes some issue and becomes a "known" fact then there are usually repercussions.
In my time in I'd guess over half of the soldiers I knew where involved in some sexual "kink" ( for lack of a better word) that could be punishable. Wether they were swingers, or strippers, crossdressers, gays bi's lesbians, poly's , into serious bdsm etc etc etc .
Most Commanders and NCO's think so long as your sex life stays in your " bedroom" so to speak and you do your job they don't make much issue into looking for things.
That said if you go on post with your husband, and your girlfriend and your boyfriend and your all giving PDAs your drawing attention that you'll get !

To comment about military, not having the "rights" of others, all I can say is We are all volunteers and can either accept the rules as they are or not join to begin with. There can be some need for some of the rules as NO civillian will ever be asked to order their subordinates to "fix bayonets!" nor would they ever be asked to decide which person is expandable based on the MISSION!

neegoola 09-20-2011 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funfunkyfantastic (Post 88064)
We know it's illegal (in the military anyway) to commit adultery, which is what they consider polyamory.

sweetheart, i'm sorry that only one word comes to my lips:
"disgusting."

i appreciate any military force from Alpini (you know those little men climbing mountains or discovering corpses under rubble) to Terrorists, but.. :rolleyes: well, should my job (constructive one) tell me who and how i should love?
i don't think i could afford this.
but i'm not at your place, ok.

hugs!


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