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-   -   Do we try again, but different? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11297)

RugerLove 06-22-2011 12:01 PM

Do we try again, but different?
 
We are a couple (28 bi-female 30 straight male) married, together for 5 years. Awhile back I shared a fantasy of possibly having another female in the house to share our lives with. Boy did he jump all over that. At the time I had no idea what I was asking for. I did research and found Polyamory. I thought this could possibly be for us. I bought books. Read them. Read forums. We started looking for what we considered our "unicorn". Well, it took a few months and then one day it seemed the perfect one just dropped into our laps. We talked, told her our wants and desires, listened to her ideas and thoughts, set boundaries, had a date, got to know each other. #1: she was straight, but open to bi-curious. Everything seemed to happen so fast. One day it was great. The next everything was on edge. The next great again. Then the thing that blew up my world. She already had 2 kids, but she wanted more. Could I deal with that? I wanted kids with my husband. Did I want her to have kids with my husband? It scared the hell out of me. Then I read somewhere that everything could change and sometime through the process my husband could come to love her more than me or vice versa. I can't deal with that. Regardless...the relationship ended due to matters that had nothing to do with us (She moved to California) Current...I am still very interested in the prospect of sharing my bed along with my husband on select occasions or whenever we feel like whatever, basically I think I would like to get into a little swinging. But, my husband is still looking for the special someone to share our lives with. So, now I am scared that just me is not good enough anymore. I am having a hard time finding the words to talk to him about this. I know my sharing the fantasy opened a can of worms that I canít close. I just donít know how to proceed with what we would both be comfortable with. I wouldnít mind sharing certain aspects of my life with another, maybe a really good friend that we swing with, but that does not live with us or want to co-parent. The option of him having his and me having mine is not open; it would have to be together or not at all with me. I know I am stuck somewhere that I am not sure has definition, but I know what I want right now, sure it could change later down the road, but right now this is it. Does anyone know a median that we could explore or advice for where we could go from here? BTW I am still stuck on this most recent relationship we had. I think of her daily, the good, bad, what I would change, what I would do again. I feel right now that jumping into something else would be too fast for me. Itís like after a breakup and you need time to heal before you start again.

NeonKaos 06-22-2011 12:47 PM

Yes, there is a "median".

You both need to date people individually. That's just all there is to it. Even though you said that is not an option for you. It really is very important that you not allow your relationship with other people to eclipse your relationship with yourself. Part of that is being an individual in ALL of your relationships, romantic/sexual or otherwise.

EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID IT'S NOT AN OPTION.

You know how they say that insanity is trying the same thing over and over but expecting different results?

If you can't deal with the personal growth and responsibilities that go with it at this time, that is ok. It's all part of the journey. But, when you come here and ask people what they think you "should" do, you may get some answers that are not what you want to hear.

This is not to say that it is IMPOSSIBLE you will find someone you both "click" with and can live happily ever after. But you should not have that as a goal as you go about meeting new people and cultivating relationships.

If it is crucial that you only socialize as a couple, then you're prob'ly better off sticking with swinging "scenes" where there are taboos against becoming emotionally involved with your sex partner(s).

Finally, consider that if you and your partner both want drastically different interactions with others outside of your "primary" relationship, you may be fundamentally incompatible in the grand scheme of things. Not only do people change (i'm gonna be blatantly age-ist here - you are both at the age where you have some experience but are just starting to get in touch with who you really are and where you really want your life to go from here), but they start to realize certain things about who they were all along but never quite understood before.

So you have to get very honest with yourself about certain things you may not even want to admit exist.

AutumnalTone 06-22-2011 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RugerLove (Post 87928)
Then the thing that blew up my world. She already had 2 kids, but she wanted more. Could I deal with that?

She may want more. That doesn't mean whomever she's involved with is going to want children with her. It's not a given that your husband would want to have children with her.

Quote:

I wanted kids with my husband. Did I want her to have kids with my husband?
You having children with your husband is completely unrelated to him having children with her. Your issue appears to be completely about your husband having children with somebody else.

Quote:

Then I read somewhere that everything could change and sometime through the process my husband could come to love her more than me or vice versa.
Your husband could get a new coworker next week with whom he gets quite smitten and runs off to Barbados with, too. Your husband could run off with somebody else whether the two of you are mono or poly, whether he's openly involved with ten other women, one other woman, or having an affair without your knowledge.

Quote:

So, now I am scared that just me is not good enough anymore.
That appears to have been the case all along--it's nothing new. Until you figure out what makes you attractive, both in general and specifically to him, then your fear is what's going to keep you from having the relationships you dream about. Your "both of us together or not at all" is nothing more than an attempt to control everything because you're afraid you have nothing to offer.

So, yeah, you can try again--and you will have to do things differently. You're going to have to deal with your fears before anything is going to have a chance to work.

Remember this--your husband is with you precisely because he finds you attractive and valuable.

nycindie 06-22-2011 07:30 PM

Communication is key in any relationship, whether poly, mono, or swinging. He is your husband. Why can't you say to him everything you wrote in your post? Which, specifically, I mean this:
Quote:

Originally Posted by RugerLove (Post 87928)
now I am scared that just me is not good enough anymore. I am having a hard time finding the words to talk to him about this. I know my sharing the fantasy opened a can of worms that I can’t close. I just don’t know how to proceed with what we would both be comfortable with. I wouldn’t mind sharing certain aspects of my life with another, maybe a really good friend that we swing with, but that does not live with us or want to co-parent. The option of him having his and me having mine is not open; it would have to be together or not at all with me. I know I am stuck somewhere that I am not sure has definition, but I know what I want right now, sure it could change later down the road, but right now this is it. . . . I feel right now that jumping into something else would be too fast for me. It’s like after a breakup and you need time to heal before you start again.


redpepper 06-23-2011 05:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RugerLove (Post 87928)
one day it seemed the perfect one just dropped into our laps..... She already had 2 kids, but she wanted more.

Seems a little like she used you both for more babies no? I didn't quote it but she decided she would be bi-curious for you? That sounds a bit bizarre no? Sorry, I know you were into this woman, but it doesn't sound like she was a good fit for the two of you in a triad... a vee at some point maybe, but not a three-way love relationship of any longevity past the NRE stage of sex.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RugerLove (Post 87928)
The option of him having his and me having mine is not open; it would have to be together or not at all with me. I know I am stuck somewhere that I am not sure has definition, but I know what I want right now, sure it could change later down the road, but right now this is it.

Well then, if that is it for now, then it has to be it for now. Time can do a lot to heal and change things. The thing is that eventually you either have to get on board with the same thing, or start dating separately.

Personally and in my experience, dating separately is usually where it ends up and far more productive in terms of getting ones needs met. The triad thing is all very nice, but hardly ever works out for any long time relationship dynamic. I think it might be time at some point to figure out where you are going with this and make future plans that you can work towards... if there seems to be some inconsistency and one or both of you is not able to budge on your boundaries, then I suggest doing nothing until one or both of you can. That sucks I realize, but what would be better? Being together and enjoying each other and no one else? Or pushing each others personal agenda and ending up resenting and hurt, feeling cheated on or guilty, misunderstood and miserable.... etc... and possibly broken up.

These are hard questions, but until you both decide what is going on and where you are going, I bet they will linger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RugerLove (Post 87928)
BTW I am still stuck on this most recent relationship we had. I think of her daily, the good, bad, what I would change, what I would do again. I feel right now that jumping into something else would be too fast for me. Itís like after a breakup and you need time to heal before you start again.

Good on you for taking the time. It sounds like you need it. Maybe you should ask him if you can leave all this alone until the fall (three months), enjoy your summer, strengthen what you have together and see how you feel then. Maybe you will still need time, maybe you will know what kind of path you feel comfortable with... so might he. His need to get going might be a result of his own lose. Who knows....

RugerLove 06-23-2011 02:38 PM

Well, I got all of my thoughts together and we sat down and talked last night. It went well. I was able to share alot of my "boundaries" and fears with him and he shared what his wants and expectations are with me. I told him of my continued thoughts of her and how they have kept me up most nights. We both agreed that the first time for us was a learning experience and things will go differently next time. I told him of numerous comments on here about the eventually dating seperately and he said no, that is not what he wants. I discussed my greatest fears with him of him having children with someone else and he said he does not want that and we could narrow our search down to women who do not want to have children or already have children and don't want any more or can't. I told him of my thoughts of possibly doing the fwb thing and he said that he would not like that because what if that person decided they did want more and left to go off with someone else he did not want to go through the emotional turmoil of that. (We are both very emotional and tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves) We have agreed for now to just take it slow and see what happens, not necessarily looking but still open to if something does emerge that fits us well. Oh, and the other decision we have made is that she will have to already be self proclaimed bi-sexual to ease my worry of her not wanting me like we went through this last time. All in all, I feel a little better. I am slowly growing on the idea of going back to my original fantasy of sharing every aspect of my life with another person, but I am still a little scared. I know that he loves me and cherishes me. And I know that we both want the other to be happy with whatever situation we choose.

Seasnail 06-23-2011 02:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 88060)
Good on you for taking the time. It sounds like you need it. Maybe you should ask him if you can leave all this alone until the fall (three months), enjoy your summer, strengthen what you have together and see how you feel then. Maybe you will still need time, maybe you will know what kind of path you feel comfortable with... so might he. His need to get going might be a result of his own lose. Who knows....

I agree.. getting into a situation where you have to deal with another relationship before you've healed is unwise. Good for you for recognising your need to take time to process. Moving into a poly-style way of thinking and feeling is HARD WORK. Learning new ways of behaving and working out our value conflicts in that transition is not easy, and I believe that once you've started, you can't really go back to being blind about the possibility of loving differently. (You CAN choose to be monogamous or swing and be happy with it, though: that's behavior.) I think that's what you mean when you spoke about opening a can of worms?

When you work hard, rest is important!:)

dingedheart 06-23-2011 05:54 PM

AutumnalTone

I think any decision to have children is a huge one. He would be tied to those children legally for at minimum the first 18yrs and ideally life. Time, attention and resources being finite it has to be factor into a women thinking....to provide the best, most stable environment as possible. By the simple fact that they are married and he could be making a decision that most certainly will effect her for as long as all those involved are a live....I think it does relate to her. Not unrelated.....actually they would become "related"

I'm sure the women here will be able to better articulate their feelings on this type of life decision.

RugerLove 06-23-2011 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 88122)
I think any decision to have children is a huge one. He would be tied to those children legally for at minimum the first 18yrs and ideally life. Time, attention and resources being finite it has to be factor into a women thinking....to provide the best, most stable environment as possible. By the simple fact that they are married and he could be making a decision that most certainly will effect her for as long as all those involved are a live....I think it does relate to her. Not unrelated.....actually they would become "related"

Not previously mentioned in any of my posts, we already have a 3 year old son and currently trying for another child. Hubs has a daughter from a young and dumb previous relationship that we struggle to see and still have to support. I would love to meet someone that already has children, but it is both of our wishes that they do not expect to have children with us.

dingedheart 06-23-2011 11:27 PM

Well holy $&@&, it"s not only related but an area of hyper sensitivity. It's very easy to understand why that would be an issue.


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