Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Coming out to parents about new gf (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11278)

hellokitty 06-21-2011 06:00 PM

Coming out to parents about new gf
Hi! I've been dating my current boyfriend for nearly 5 years now. I recently started a relationship with another girl, and we've been dating close to 8 months now. She is my first *real* girlfriend, the first one I've had a serious relationship with.

I don't think I'm really necessarily a poly person, I just happen to be in love with two different people. My bf has always been open to me being physical with other women and we have shared experiences with girls together too. It took us off guard when I ended up falling in love with a girl I thought was just a crush. He supports us being together and she supports and respects me being with him.

The reason I'm writing all this is I would like to stop hiding her from some of the most important people in my life, my parents. They've had their suspicions in the past but *technically* to them I'm a straight girl lol. Which is funny because I'm more gay than straight, but any way. Point being they don't even know I like women so I've been holding off springing that on them and the fact I have a girlfriend (and a boyfriend) for a while now. I've been waiting to see where things are going with her and I. Now that I know things are serious and we plan on this lasting a lifetime, I think I should let them in on what's going on. I want her to feel included and not just like "some girl friend" of mine.

My parents have become more open minded in recent years and have many gay friends, however none in poly relationships as far as I know. My bf thinks the only problem both our parents will have when finding out is the chance of me hurting my bf or ruining things with him. Which yes, is a real fear, and nothing can be determined 100%. But we are all happy right now, and I don't want to have to hide it any longer.

Any tips on comin' out?! Thanks :)

MonoVCPHG 06-21-2011 06:02 PM


Originally Posted by hellokitty (Post 87811)
Any tips on comin' out?! Thanks :)

Expect the unexpected ;)

TruckerPete 06-21-2011 06:55 PM

Don't do it if you're dependent on the parents, be it financial, child care, etc.

hellokitty 06-21-2011 07:05 PM

I'm not dependent on them. No kids and living on my own. :)

TruckerPete 06-21-2011 07:07 PM


Originally Posted by hellokitty (Post 87822)
I'm not dependent on them. No kids and living on my own. :)

Then you're off to a better start than many. ;)

redpepper 06-22-2011 04:32 AM

check out some coming out threads. You can find them by doing a tag search. It's really a personal choice. You know your parents better than anyone... I am 41 and don't tell my parents shit any more. It isn't their business, I am a grown woman and although they raised me, I am WAY past honouring their idea that they are entitled to any info about me. That being said, we get along great with what we have... like anyone else in life, some people don't have to know everything. It depends on the level of relationship you want to have with them. (I have much more further detail in my blog. My coming out was the shits... I have good reason to be discrete :) and I'm totally happy with that).

Polymonial 06-25-2011 09:13 AM

Coming out to Parents
I have a similar conundrum but with additional complexity. I'm interested in someday having kids with an OSO (in addition to kids I already have with my primary), in which it's not just an issue of coming out as poly to my parents, it's an issue of introducing my parents to their future grandchildren.

In that case, I'm thinking I'd have to come out and take whatever lumps there may be. I can't deprive a kid of his grandparents (and grandparents of their grandkids). And I'd hope that if they fall in love with their grandchild, then maybe they'd forgive me a little? Maybe. ;-) And even if not, as long as they love the kid, then its worth it. (psyching myself up for this possibility)

ray 06-25-2011 05:33 PM

With poly relationships and coming out, it can be good to think about the nature of the relationship you have with an OSO. If it's a pretty stable feature in your life and doesn't plan on going anywhere, it can be good to just say, hey look, this is my life and this is how it is. But if the relationship is still forming, it can be pointless to go through a lot of drama and possibly pain over something that may or may not be around in a few months. It also depends on how your parents might react. If they are relatively sex positive, gay friendly and openminded, you'll have an easier time most likely. You know them best. You could always bring up poly in a neutral context to here what they might think about it... Testing the waters as it were. Coming out can be good and I know how hard it is to have a relationship in the closet. Since you're not financially dependent, you've got a lot more freedom. :) keep us posted!

hellokitty 07-06-2011 06:11 PM

Thanks for the replies. I have attempted getting advice on this from a few different people (bf, gf, best friend and another close friend) but still trying to work out in my head how to go about this. We have been together 7-8 months now and are madly in love, always together, I don't see this ending any time soon. I want her to feel welcome in my family, not have to hide my feelings for her or worry about being spotted being affectionate and having my parents be shocked or confused. And I am close with my mom and want to be able to talk about my relationship since it is such a huge part of my life.

I'm honestly not too worried about their reactions. Though maybe I am just so smitten with my gf, happy and confident in our relationship I assume everyone else will be as well lol ;). Really though my parents have always been supportive of anything I try to do. About 7 years ago when I was a teenager they suspected I had a gf which I sort of did and my mom was extremely upset. She was raised very religious but has since changed a LOT and has gotten much more open minded in the past 5 yrs or so. My parents are definitely gay friendly. But I guess we'll see what they think when it comes to their own child being with another woman.

I guess I'm just stuck on *how* to bring this up to them. My gf thinks I should do it face to face and sees it as sort of a "facing my fears" type of thing. I am much more comfortable talking about it with my mom first than my dad because we're closer so I'm just trying to figure out how to go about this. Do I casually bring it up somehow like saying "I've got a dinner date with her and oh yeah we've been dating for this long now" lol..... or do I sit her down and say I have something I've been meaning to tell you... Hmm...

nycindie 07-07-2011 01:50 AM

I had a friend who considered herself straight all her life and then suddenly fell madly in love with a woman. A few months later, they moved in together and were in it for life. She was really nervous about telling her mother -- an elderly, conservative, religious woman from Eastern Europe. If I recall correctly, I believe she just said to her something like, "Mom, you know, ___ and I are in love." And her mother shrugged and said, "It happens."

All times are GMT. The time now is 03:54 PM.