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-   -   When the BF meets the work friends (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1122)

indigo 11-03-2009 05:30 AM

When the BF meets the work friends
Over the past year or so I have felt constrained by my choice not to be completely out to those people closest to me; I pick and choose who knows I'm poly and who thinks I'm Pollyanna. It's been my choice but lately it had felt less than honest.

Sooo...I came out. To most of my friends, all of my work colleagues and some of my family (not the kids or parents, just not ready for that much reality yet). I came out accidentally to my whole damned sports team because I can't use the 'reply' button correctly.

And here's my question: What have been your experiences when your vanilla friends meet your 'others'? I've had an interesting mix of: friends feeling loyal to and protective of my husband (if I'm nice to your BF it means I'm betraying your husband and he's a great guy), some just ignore the elephant in the room and others feel relief ( I KNEW it!). Some women worry that I'll swoop down on their man and suddenly see me as a threat.

So in your lives, oh wise ones...who knows, who doesn't and why? And how did it go the first time you brought another love to a vanilla social event?


Mason Marie

LovingRadiance 11-03-2009 05:39 AM

Well funny that. My familiy and friends know my bf. He's lived with us as a roommate for years. They also already know he's the bio-dad of OUR youngest child...

SO I don't have to "introduce him". A new face in our life asked Maca "how does your wife introduce him" and the answer it that honestly-I don't.

Frankly-Maca told his dad today (story on other post) and he couldn't care less. he's happpy if Maca's happy. My friends and siblings feel the same. My closest sibling (who also lives with us) is just happy that we're all on the same page and keeping her in the family!

We did "officially" come out tonight to a friend of 13 years who tends towards religious (christian) fanaticism. It went fine. She actually asked for more info and felt like she "missed boat" so to speak and that her life would be so much easier if her husband and the other man she's in love with and officially just had an affair with could deal with the polyamory concept (as they are also on opposite ends of the US I'm not sure how that would function but whatever).

So overall-we've encountered no major negatives-but we're not really in the habit of having relationships of any sort with judgmental jerks either.............

redpepper 11-03-2009 06:36 AM

At first my work friends and other friends were skeptical as they know and love my husband. They experienced me dating men on line and heard me talk about that experience. They thought my feelings for Mono were just part of that. They also thought that my husband had the chance of being really hurt and couldn't understand why he would "let" this happen.

After some time and a good work party that both men were at, they don't see it as any different than anyone elses marriages. They are actually kind of proud to know us. Most of them see it working and see us happier than ever and have come to accept poly as a viable alternative to mono relationships...

rosevett 11-04-2009 03:50 PM

I seem to get the same mix of responses from my co-workers as I (and now we) come out. For the most part it's the elephant in the room(truly) and occasionally the 'how can you do that I can't even take care of one man' or 'I can't even get one man' ENVY I'll call it to make myself feel good about having a wonderful life.

Anyway the (now we & truly) are because my partner of almost 3 yrs now works in the same building with me. I have worked here for 4 and most people know me even in the other departments so we are pretty much in their face, specially when my other partner comes for lunch or drops in.

Most of my immediate co-workers have know for sometimes now as we walk at lunch and well talk about life. They all knew Richard from the beginning and really like him, he is a wonderful man.

Here is the story of the actual coming out EVENT

Well I would talk about Martin this and Martin that and still be talking about Richard...one day only 2 of the 3 of us were walking and she asked me 'Who is Martin?' I said 'My other boyfriend' she said 'Oh!' and I fumbled through 'it's a lifestyle that we live and have been for over 2 years and there is are SUPPORT(dumbass, we don't need support like AA)groups for it.'

After fumbling through any sort of logically this is Polyamory there was a bit of ackward silence and then after a bit more we went back to small talk. I never brought it up again, thought if and when they want more info then they will ask but I wasn't going to stop talking about both of my guys.

After realizing that I was still the same ol' me and nothing was different or changed even in the knowledge of knowing they both would ask questions and I LOVE sharing so would tell bits and pieces of how things worked out with family arrangements and how the guys are great about it.

The girls at work even were part of the storying telling as we went through a small tradegy and seen the support I got from the family as a whole.

We got invited to one of their holiday parties. The invite came addressed to Elaine & family. I RSVPed with 'about your party' she said 'OH YA wasn't sure how to address it so you're all invited' I said thanks and it's FOUR now, as Richard had a g/f by that time. I got a 'oh my, I'll have to hear about this, but of course you are all welcome to come.'

Martin has not 'come out' in his department. Most of his coworkers do not really know I have a boyfriend or if they do they probably think I have done a trade in(lol) but they do know we are dating and that we live together. I am sure the more Richard shows up the more questions will be asked, he's not a volunteer information kind of guy but he does dance around answers.

I am coaching him with 'It's a unique relationship'.

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