Another One From Santa Fe Seeking Advice and Support
Hello! I'm Sevanar. (I already messed that up with my username...I'm a bit nervous right now.) I'm a 22 year old college senior at St. John's College in Santa Fe finishing up my Liberal Arts degree. I'm a proud geek and am addicted to all things technological, especially the gaming industry. I'm very new to Poly (less than a month!) and while nothing involving relationships is ever easy, I feel that I'm adapting pretty well. I feel in my heart that this is just the kind of thing I need to experience, but I'm a people pleaser, and as such I'm constantly paranoid about stepping on anybody else's toes.
I guess I came to these forums looking for a little guidance and support, but it occurs to me now that I haven't really taken stock of what's been going on around me for the last month. As such, I suppose I'm just going to type out a summary of my situation and my reaction to it...if you like hearing stories about other people's relationships, feel free to read on and comment. If not, that's okay! Thanks for getting this far, I look forward to seeing you around the forums.
So...where to begin. I've been deeply in love with my primary for what seems like an eternity. We've been together for over two and a half years and living together for the last year and a half of that. Over the summer we came to realize that polyamory was something that she has been wanting to try for a while, something that she needed in her life. At first, like any good brainwashed boy with two grandfathers who lead old fashioned churches, I was hurt and confused. I took it personally and thought I just wasn't good enough to please her, and things were a bit rough for a while. I won't bore you with the details of the soul-searching and revelations that followed, but in the end I realized that this was in fact a great thing for our relationship and our happiness overall. Around the beginning of the month she told me that there was a woman she was interested in and wanted to talk to, and I agreed that she should give it a try.
Now, about a month later, things are going very well. My primary (who I'll call Elika) and her new girlfriend (who I'll call Jade) are very happy together, and there is even talk about the three of us all living together once our current leases expire, which I think sounds wonderful. The thing that is causing me stress at this point is that while I was originally hesitant about the whole idea of polygamy, I am now 100% in favor of it. Being around Elika and Jade as they experience the exciting energy of a new relationship and falling in love again has made me crave that same feeling. I'm realizing that I love to love, and that most of my stress and jealousy stems from the fact that I don't have the opportunity to love enough. As Elika spends more time with Jade (though I am present for a lot the hanging out), there is less time for me to spend doting on Elika. I don't resent her for this at all, I want her to spend time with Jade and enjoy her new relationship as much as possible. I'm just realizing that this is a perfect opportunity for me to learn that it may be okay for me to share my love with a second partner as well, instead of simply accepting the second partner that Elika has.
This is the point I'm getting hung up on. The more time I spend with her, the more I'm coming to realize that I too am developing feelings for Jade. Elika and I have very similar interests, so it shouldn't surprise me that Jade and I would get along so well. Jade and I have hinted to each other that there is potential here, but I haven't just come out and told her how I feel, and I'm not sure how she feels about it. I'm also very worried about Elika. We're both new to polyamory, and this is my first experience with a Vee type relationship. Is it difficult to go from a Vee to a triad? Is it improper? Elika and I have never discussed the possibility of a second partner for me at all, let alone the fact that I'm interested in Jade. I just don't know what to do.
Nothing about this is desparate; at this point my interest in Jade is growing, but it's not at the point where I would be hurt if Elika doesn't want to go down this path. I'm sure I can give the two of them space if they don't want to close the Vee. I am certain, however, that I want to be able to share my love with somebody new, and that alone is difficult to admit after it took so long for me to accept Elika's curiosity. I know that the only way I'm going to make progress in this is just to sit down and talk to Elika and Jade, but if anybody has any experience with closing the Vee, good or bad, or just any advice on coming out of the poly closet to your first love, I would greatly appreciate it. :) Sorry this went on so long...I guess I just needed to get this out in front of me in order to appraise my current emotional state. Thanks for taking the time to read this. I look forward to the journey ahead, and hope a few of you won't mind stopping to help someone new!
I do have some magical moderator powers, and I'll see if this is one of them.
Let me know if it's a bad idea to make the change. But it may be too late by the time you show up! But if we can change it one way we ought to have the power to change it back!
That would actually be wonderful! I've been looking for a way to change my username, those darn m's and n's are such a pain to catch when you're in a hurry. I can live with it if you can't change it, though. Thank you so much!
In answer to your general question...
TALK TO YOUR PRIMARY.
Seriously-the only way to find the answer to whether YOUR V can become a Triad is to ask.
There is no "rule" that says ALL poly relationships must be type N or N+1 or N+2 etc.
You make the rules. But that means you have to be open, honest and caring with YOURSELF and with each other(s) so you can FIGURE OUT what the rules are.
I spent all weekend working on "rules" with Maca (another poster, also my husband).
Currently we have a V. We are married and I have a BF. Both my BF and my husband are straight, so no triad coming from that.
Maca has been entertaining thoughts and building a relationship with a woman who is married. She's bi-curious, her husband is bi (yes they are all well aware and it's on the up and up).
But it's a new dynamic for us-so we had to discuss what was ok and what was not ok.
Ha! Two and a half years seems like an eternity? My partner, Kevin, and I have been together for almost fourteen years now. We must be gods!
Were I in your shoes, first thing: I'd count my lucky stars! If Elika already has a girlfriend plus a boyfriend, there's hardly any reason for you to feel squirmy about your indicating that you, also, might like to have another lover (at least). [Know, here, that when I say "lover" I don't mean it in the half-assed cheesy way many people use the term -- which emphasizes sex *way* more than the love part of the word.]
So my advice is to just come right on out with the fact that you are just like her -- interested in a way-of-life that includes or may be welcoming to multiple loves. This part should be easy, and you should waste no time about it. After all, you've miraculously won the tripple gold without even trying: Your partner loves you, is poly, and you love her. What in the heck could be wrong with that?
Then wait a half a day, a half a week or a half a month and say ... "by the way, honey, I think your gf is pretty darn ... neat/fantastic/sexy/hot ... choose words with care.
This should be as easy as falling off an peeled and oiled log, my friend. You have no idea how lucky you are compared to some of the poor, poor folks who've been pouring their wounded hearts out in these fora.
PS -- Was unable to figure out how to make the user-name switch, and have posted a message about the issue in the Moderator's Forum -- which you don't see ... cause you're not a Moderator.
Sounds like you've got it made. I would definitely talk to Elika and let her know she's not the only one who would like to have more than one lover. I would also keep flirting with Jade and see what happens? It seems to me the most natural thing in the world for two people who are close to find the same things attractive in a potential partner... a point I've made with some of my monogamous friends who have on more than one occasion dated the same girls, at different chronological junctions of course, being monogamous and all ;)
May your good luck continue to flow!
I had conversations with Elika and Jade last night. It could have gone much better. I first told Jade of my potential for having feelings for her, which she seemed okay with. We're not acting on it at the moment, I just wanted her to be aware of the way I felt about her before it had time to become a problem, which she understands.
After this, I told Elika about my feelings for Jade and my desire to experience the poly lifestyle. She freaked right the hell out. She feels hurt that I have these feelings for Jade, I think. That's okay with me. While I would like the opportunity for all three of us to come closer to each other without having to designate "nights" for us, I don't need to be intimate with Jade to love her. Spending time with her and joining her in loving Elika is good enough.
The thing that hurts the most is the fact that she wasn't okay with the idea of me being poly. I spent a lot of time coming to terms with the fact that she wanted to experience this, and even more before I agreed that we should give it a try. When I realized that I not only approve of it, but also want to actively experience it, it felt like a major personal breakthrough. I was proud of myself, and for some reason thought that Elika would feel the same way. Instead she feels betrayed, and I do too. I assumed that this kind of thing was a two way street, which was perhaps foolish of me. Of course she needs time to process this kind of thing, I don't blame her for that. But the thought that she doesn't trust me in the same way that I trust her hurts.
At this point, I don't know what to do. My relationship with Elika has been less and less satisfying recently, and I desperately want to work things out with her. But right now, all of her energy is being devoted to her new relationship. I'm afraid that she's going to go to Jade for comfort and escape from the problems that we have, and in the meantime I will just become more lonely. I hate realizing that the passion that Elika and Cate are experiencing is exactly what has been lost in my relationship with Elika. I hate feeling like I'm trying to let her get what she needs from somebody else, yet I'm not allowed to seek out the things that I need.
Sorry to become yet another depressing story. I thought yesterday that it would have a happy ending.
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