Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Telling someone I'm poly and the problems that brings... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1111)

rolypoly 11-02-2009 07:04 PM

Telling someone I'm poly and the problems that brings...
 
I’ve had this experience a few times. I’m involved with someone in a poly arrangement. We go out dancing. A guy hits on me.

Ok, then it gets complicated.
What I want: To be able to move past the novelty, confusion and misrepresentations about poly.
What actually happens: Telling a guy I’ve just met that I am involved with someone, but we’re poly often translates into, “I’m open minded and therefore have no boundaries, so anything goes. Now you have permission to put your paws all over me because I’m one of those girls”.

I have so far never found myself in a poly circle where I meet someone new and we can move past the assumptions that poly=slut. Just because I’m involved with someone else, but open to others does not mean I want to move from “Hi, what’s your name?” to making out in the corner in one hour!!!!

It does mean that I am interested in talking to you and finding out about you. Connecting with people is a huge part of what feeds me, but it is often non-sexual. Getting to a sexual level often takes me a while. Of course! I would like to feel free to talk about my S/O, (within reason, of course) because that person is part of my life. And you are free to talk about your interests, potential S/Os, etc. And I would like to move as slowly with you as I did with the person I am in a poly relationship with!

I want to move past the initial stage of adopting poly as a lifestyle, ie: I’m in a primary relationship where I find my stability, so now I can fuck around freely because my “serious” needs are met. All secondary relationships are loose and casual.

Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!

I would like to start being around more poly circles. I would like the people I meet to know that I am falling in love with 'R' and still be considered in the same way I would be if I were single. In other words, not defined by him and my relationship with him. I would like to remain a separate person. Please get to know him as him. Yes, we have a lot in common and many points of contact with each other, but you will have different and unique points of contact with him. Please explore the ones that emerge between you and I separately from the ones that emerge between you and 'R'.

Another thing that happens is I start to feel shallow with the romance of NRE. 'R' and I held hands and kissed for the first time a few days ago. So, meeting this guy at the party who cuddled with me, he said similar things like, “your hands are so soft”, etc.

I don’t want to only be a shiny new toy with soft hands. I want to know your bliss, desires, fears. I want you to be real, have integrity, do real-world things with your life. I don’t want to get lost in your sea of zen-like non-attachment, which for me translates into you not knowing what you want from life and having less ambition than what feeds me.

I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!

River 11-02-2009 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 10819)
I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!

Polyamory is still relatively under the radar, unfortunately. But MUCH more awareness is entering our culture/s.

The problem your post seeks to address is one of the best reasons/arguments for polyamory activism in the form of public / social education. There ought to be fliers, posters, billboards saying:

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 10819)
I don’t want poly to automatically mean that my standards and integrity go away. Poly is not synonymous with “anything goes”!!

Maybe some national / international poly orgs could fundraise for a radio ad? That would help!

NeonKaos 11-02-2009 07:11 PM

I am wary about telling people for the same reasons, because a lot of people think it means I'm a sex-starved nymphomaniac who wants to find as many people to have sex with in as short a time period as possible.

I don't even identify AS "poly". I identify as a married person who is open to becoming involved in other relationships but is not actively seeking "partners".

I have already done the whole "experience the people" thing.

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 10819)

I want to move past the initial stage of adopting poly as a lifestyle, ie: I’m in a primary relationship where I find my stability, so now I can fuck around freely because my “serious” needs are met. All secondary relationships are loose and casual.

WOW! This comment is very interesting but I can't figure out why. Maybe because I see truth in it for some people...very cool, something to think about.

rolypoly 11-02-2009 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River
Polyamory is still relatively under the radar, unfortunately. But MUCH more awareness is entering our culture/s.

Yay for that!

rolypoly 11-02-2009 07:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 10825)
a lot of people think it means I'm a sex-starved nymphomaniac who wants to find as many people to have sex with in as short a time period as possible.

Exactly!!!! There is a middle ground.

Especially among men, who unfortunately are socialized into respecting another man's "territory". My experience with men has been that they back way off when I say I'm in a relationship. Then, they come back full force when they learn that it's in fact, a poly relationship.

Instead of understanding the potential shades of grey that can be explored, they seem to react as if the - pardon my bluntness - circle of urine that they perceived surrounded me is no longer there, but with the added perception that now I'm of a different breed. As you say, the "sex-starved nymphomaniac" breed.

River 11-02-2009 07:29 PM

Mono,

Please note that after the part you quoted she said: "Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!"

rolypoly 11-02-2009 07:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 10827)
WOW! This comment is very interesting...

Now we're even. And we're both still clothed. ;)

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 07:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by River (Post 10834)
Mono,

Please note that after the part you quoted she said: "Ugh, that’s not at all what I want!"

Oh I didn't mean that I thought Roly wanted that..but I think it's an avenue of thought to explore inside my underemPloyed brain LOL! I

Sorry Roly:o

rolypoly 11-02-2009 07:59 PM

You mean, your underemPOLYed brain? ;)


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:59 AM.