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-   -   establishing new relationships. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1109)

ladyjools 11-02-2009 04:44 PM

establishing new relationships. UPDATE
 
Do you think it is fair to take the time to establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people?
If so how long do you think is a fair amount of time?

I am feeling insecure, and a little jelous in my new relationship. Its not that he is dating any other woman but the thought of it is bringing up these feelings. I am now wondering if i am asking him not to date any other woman because i want things to be established between us first or because of my own insecurity that he will find someone better?

Is it fair to expect him to not date other people when i have my long term partner and he is so far only dating me?

i don't get this with montianboy becuase with him I am very secure, but it took me a long time to get to that point.

I have the view that you should establish a new relationship before bringing in any new people, i think this is a sensible view but is it just my monogomous upbringinging kicking in and i want to keep that person to myself.

At the moment i am feeling jelous for the first time in a long while. My new relationship has got to be one of the most intense beginnings i have ever had and on an emotional level things have moved quicker than i would usually deem sensible (that does not mean that i would move things quicker in a practical way) just that there are some very intense feelings and a new relationship energy that is a tad overwhelming. However being caught up in all these feelings has brought up other feelings of self worth, insecurity, and also jelousy.

So I am intrested in other peoples opinions on this

Jools

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 05:03 PM

This is a great question! I can't give any insight into it but I think it ties into the freedom of secondaries or thirds issue. How does a person in an committed relationship establish boundaries with a new person entering the relationship? Is it fair to ask the new person to slow down or not seek other relationships while you have another person already?
Thanks for this.

ladyjools 11-02-2009 05:03 PM

MONO u wrote exactly what i wanted to ask, i just couldn't find the words
thankyou :)

Jools

rolypoly 11-02-2009 06:56 PM

Great question! I was pondering something similar, but will post a separate thread about it...

My first response is that I don't think poly is about "tit for tat", so to speak. Well, you have someone else, why can't I?

Of course, if a relationship has an indefinite arrangement of partner A is allowed to date others but not partner B, then I think there's something deeper going on that needs attention. (I'm thinking of a thread I read a couple days ago about this).

Relationships are organic and need time/space to grow and/or change. I think it's understandable and reasonable for all "limbs" of a relationship(s) to ask for time to adjust to a new member.

And it's natural/understandable to feel jealousy...

my two cents

BigGuy 11-02-2009 07:06 PM

It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.

ladyjools 11-02-2009 08:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigGuy (Post 10820)
It's never unfair to *ask* for what you need in a relationship. Fair is subjective. What one person may consider fair, another may not.

I'd ask him for what you need, but specify an end date. If he agrees, great! If not, then its up to you to determine if the relationship is worth the extra tension/turmoil.

In the mean time, use this as an opportunity to examine the source of your inner turmoil. If your concerns aren't reflective of actuality of the situation, then examine what thought processes are generating your emotions. This is a golden opportunity for growth.


He has agreed that introducing new people would be bad for us just now. Specifying an end date seems difficult because im not sure how long it will take for our relationship to establish to a level that we both feel secure enough,

i am having difficulty figuring out where my inner turmoil comes from because besides the time i was pregnant i have never felt jelousy to this extent before. I am not saying i don't feel jelous but it is not usually an emotion i feel to any great intensity. I am wondering what thought processes are making this emotion, all i can come up with is that i am insecure, i dont' feel like im worthy of his attention... however he has not given me any reason to feel like that it is just MY OWN insecuritys of not feeling good enough.

but
is it wrong for me to not want him to date anyone else if this is my issue, am i using the relationship being new as an excuse or is it a valid reason, thats the part i can't work out...
i dont' like being pinned down, told what i can and can't do, and i do not wish to do that to anyone else. I want all my partners to have the freedom that i do.

Jools

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 10855)
am i using the relationship being new as an excuse or is it a valid reason, Jools

Hats off for asking yourself the hard questions Ladyjools.

ladyjools 11-02-2009 08:47 PM

i can ask the question but i just dont' know how to go about answering it because i have so many feelings that are so intense i can't think logically at all,

Jools

MonoVCPHG 11-02-2009 08:58 PM

I've rarely asked myself any question about my relationship and found a quick answer. For months I asked the same question every day LOL!! I wish I could give you a shortcut.

LovingRadiance 11-02-2009 10:06 PM

God this last week I asked the same questions every day, several times a day and came up with a different answer every time I asked!!
:confused:
But the good news is that each answer was a little closer to the "deepest truth" of my emotions and I feel like at least with a number of those questions I finally found the "end point" (for now)!!!


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