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-   -   separation anxiety? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11057)

TL4everu2 06-16-2011 01:35 PM

separation anxiety?
 
Ok, so this morning, Cotton Candy (LT) and I were talking about me and her going on dates alone with other people. She has been on one for real, and one...KINDA. But that's a WHOLE different story for a different day. I've only been on one alone. Now, neither of us played or anything else on our dates alone. Further, those dates were YEARS ago. (like almost 10 years)

Cotton Candy and I have been married for 20 years. I know...WOW! Right? Yeah, to us too! We're proud, yet also scared at the same time. For about 12 years, we actually worked together. :eek: Which meant that we were together from the time we woke up in the morning, to the time we fell asleep at night. Then, we were only separated by our dreams. Which, in an odd turn, often were VERY similar. :eek:

We have found it VERY difficult to actually allow the other person to go out and "date" other people alone. We find ourselves feeling jealous and upset when an actual date looms on the horizon.

Have any of you ever felt this anxiety?

We have likened it to separation anxiety that is often found in children. This morning, Cotton Candy asked me "When you leave a new puppy alone in the house, what does he do?" Well...."A puppy alone will whine and cry until you return" I answered. Then she asked me "Ok, what does a little child do in the same situation?" "The same thing I suppose" I answered.

Then, she explained to me how when leaving a puppy or a child alone at first, such as for daycare, we have to go with little steps. a 5 minute time apart......Then bump it up to a 10 minute time.......Then 20 minutes.....Eventually, the puppy AND/OR child realizes that mommy or daddy WILL come back to THEM.

So, she concluded, that maybe we need to simply set up a 30 minute or hour long "mini-(alone)date" with our new found interests.

An interesting concept to be sure. How did you guys deal/cope in the beginning? (I realize that some of you have never had this problem personally, but you may know someone who has. So please post up examples and/or results.








P.s. I have to say that it was kind of a shock to me to come to this realization about myself. Realizing that I was doing this too, and not just Cotton Candy, was a bit of a shock as I've always THOUGHT I would be fine with "whatever"....But now, I'm clearly not. :( I think that part of the problem, is that Model is so much like myself when I was his age. (He is only 25) and maybe THAT scares me.......That he is the younger, more attractive (than I EVER was LOL), more virile, version of myself...and I might loose her to him. She and I have been together so long, I couldn't bear the loss. Weird....I know.....as I've never really had this feeling before.

Minxxa 06-16-2011 02:15 PM

Interesting the comparison to separation anxiety. :)

When my hubs was going out, mostly I tried to just get a lot of lovin' beforehand, and then during the process do things I enjoyed (or try to!) and sit with the feelings a lot. I did a lot of dissecting of what was going on with me. Was I insecure, was I comparing myself to them, was I afraid to lose him.. etc. I'm not going to claim it was easy, but it was useful to see where the feelings were coming from and then talk to him about it so he could see what I was thinking and reassure me about them.

Would it be possible to both go out at the same time? Maybe just for a dinner and some convo kind of date, not too long, but not too short either. The 30 minute thing seems like it would be pretty hard on your dates, but maybe not. Maybe if you are both with the people you find interesting, and both know it won't lead to sex (for now), you can focus on the date itself, and then when you get home talk about what went on for you two, talk about each other, be together. I know that for me finding out through experience how much hubs' feelings for me grew because of his other relationships really helped me.

Interesting, too, because my hubs is thinking he won't feel upset by me finally getting to go out on my own. I am hoping that is the case and it is entirely possible as he has a completely different way of framing things than I do. I also know it is possible to feel stuff you never expected, and things you thought you would be okay with suddenly... aren't.

I think it's important to remember that while the feelings are valid, and need to be experienced, they need to be taken with a grain of salt. Yes, get some insight into where they are coming from and no don't make big decisions just because you're feeling badly at the moment.

Change is not an easy thing.

redpepper 06-16-2011 02:43 PM

Wow, no, absolutely not. I would never consider dating anyone with one of my partners anyway though. Remember that thread where we talked about the fact that you two go on first dates together? I'm still boggled by that one :o

Interesting that you experience separation anxiety. I would think it's a just because you haven't tried it yet. I would feel claustophobic having a date together simply because I haven't done it before not because I have an issue, just because it would feel like threes a crowd. Maybe its just about getting used to if you decide to go that route.

TL4everu2 06-16-2011 03:16 PM

Redpepper, Yes, I felt similarly. I mean, her first date with him, we all three actually went out to Winghouse to watch a UFC fight. Well, I was there for the fights anyway. LOL Which sucked. About an hour in, I actually got up and went out to our Bronco and called a poly friend. I stayed in there for about an hour to give Cotton Candy and Model some time together w/o me. They both told me later that it wasn't necessary, but they both appreciated it.

Ariakas 06-16-2011 03:20 PM

Consider this a stepping stone I suppose. I know I was in the same boat as RP in regards to your requirement for co-dependent dating.

Sounds like you might be moving past that into new waters. Do you have separation anxiety or "this is new and makes me nervous"..

Either way, congrats. :)

TL4everu2 06-16-2011 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 86794)
Consider this a stepping stone I suppose. I know I was in the same boat as RP in regards to your requirement for co-dependent dating.

Sounds like you might be moving past that into new waters. Do you have separation anxiety or "this is new and makes me nervous"..

Either way, congrats. :)

A little of both Ari. I mean, this guy is SO hot! And I'm straight, and I'm saying that. :eek: Also, he's SO young! I'm 40, Cotton Candy is 39, and Model is......wait for it.....25. :eek:

Cotton Candy's a total COUGAR and a MILF all in one! LOL


So yeah, I feel nervous because I worry that I just can't measure up anymore to the newer younger hotter version of myself. :cool: Make sense?

Cotton Candy consistently reassures me that she's never going anywhere, but I still get worried. Because I can't function w/o her in my life. Literally!

Ariakas 06-16-2011 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TL4everu2 (Post 86796)
A little of both Ari. I mean, this guy is SO hot! And I'm straight, and I'm saying that. :eek: Also, he's SO young! I'm 40, Cotton Candy is 39, and Model is......wait for it.....25. :eek:

haha I live in a town of 20 somethings. That range is fairly commonplace.. no shocker for me.. ;) not to mention its a fetish for some.

Quote:

So yeah, I feel nervous because I worry that I just can't measure up anymore to the newer younger hotter version of myself. :cool: Make sense?
ummmm... ya. Easy thing to do, you are you, he is him.. ok my engrish sucks this morning but you get the point. Calling him a younger hotter version of yourself is bound to be a kick in the nuts.

Stop that... unless you are a masochistic, than please continue with the cbt.

Quote:

Cotton Candy consistently reassures me that she's never going anywhere, but I still get worried. Because I can't function w/o her in my life. Literally!
This isn't separation anxiety.. this is DEPENDENCY...

For the record... :)

TL4everu2 06-16-2011 04:12 PM

LOL Ari. Well, he is younger....hotter...and he is VERY similar to me when my wife and I met. (Probably why she is so intrigued by him) So if I was charismatic enough to swoon her to stay with me this long....what can HE do? LOL

And whats "CBT"?

Well, I guess I'm being a bit too over the top by saying that I can function w/o her in my life....but because we've spent almost every waking moment together for almost 12 years, it's gonna be somewhat difficult.

Ariakas 06-16-2011 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TL4everu2 (Post 86802)
LOL Ari. Well, he is younger....hotter...and he is VERY similar to me when my wife and I met. (Probably why she is so intrigued by him) So if I was charismatic enough to swoon her to stay with me this long....what can HE do? LOL

He can enter into your life and you end up with a twin brother who is also with your wife :p...

<sarc> maybe your wife has long term "twins" fantasies.. hahaha

Thats kind of funny though. I have yet to be attracted to a woman even close to Pengrah. And she hasn't been with a man yet even remotely resembling me.

Quote:

And whats "CBT"?
Cock and ball torture ;)

Quote:

Well, I guess I'm being a bit too over the top by saying that I can function w/o her in my life....but because we've spent almost every waking moment together for almost 12 years, it's gonna be somewhat difficult.
Difficult it fine, unable is a scary thought. Sounds like poly might bring you some degree of independence from each other. Hobbies and stuff that keep you separate. Having that.. split.. I find helps quite a bit.. :)

TL4everu2 06-16-2011 04:57 PM

See? I'm attracted to a different kind/type of woman every day. Some days, I have two or three different types I like. My wife never seems to understand that. She claims to only like men who look or are built very similar to me. There have been oddities, but for the most part, what she points out to me is usually very similar to me.

But ehh...Whatever.


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