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-   -   Dating partner's friend? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=11035)

CautiousLoops 06-15-2011 09:43 PM

Dating partner's friend?
Is dating my partner's good friend a no no in polyamory? I know that the basis would be having all parties knowing and open and in agreement but is it a boundary that shouldn't be crossed?

We all get along very well, are all very good friends and spend many days a week together. We trust one another implicitly & are close. The friend and I do have an attraction that we are both aware of, but we are struggling with 1. how to approach my partner and 2. if we should even act on this attraction.

Any thoughts?

redpepper 06-15-2011 10:30 PM

No, lots of people do that in poly. Its a small community, we are all friends to some degree. I would advice caution though and don't gossip. This is what seems to fuck things up the most in small, tight groups.

Find somewhere else to vent and talk about people with the spirit of trying to understand them, not to defame their name. That can be hard to do, but it seems to help. :)

CautiousLoops 06-16-2011 12:54 AM

thanks for the response. I guess I am a little confused about the gossip part & finding somewhere else to vent --- do you mean within our group of friends? My partner and I do not share our relationship choices with our friends, as most do not understand. His friend though, DOES know about our open relationship status.

CautiousLoops 06-16-2011 02:40 AM

based on the one response Im guessing nobody has done this before?

redpepper 06-16-2011 05:52 AM

In my experience the community can get REALLY small when everyone is dating everyone. This is why I suggest making sure you have other people outside of it to talk to that are poly friendly.

Your threads has been up for less than 24 hours. Be patient my friend. There is no rush for a response is there? This crush you have isn't going anywhere are they? Besides, one huge poly belief is the GO SLOW ;)

Gecko 06-16-2011 05:52 AM

I'm confused. If you have an open relationship and all three of you are aware of it, why can't you discuss it will your partner? Couldn't you just steer a conversation towards the difference between poly and open, and see what the initial reaction is, without it being about you in particular?

BlackUnicorn 06-16-2011 07:58 AM


Originally Posted by CautiousLoops (Post 86702)
I guess I am a little confused about the gossip part & finding somewhere else to vent --- do you mean within our group of friends?

You could start a blog in here, or even better, start a closed online journal and invite only a few selected people to read and comment, excluding your partners.

PixieBoo 06-16-2011 08:07 AM

I'm in a relationship with my partners closest friend and have been for nearly a year. I think the only person who can really tell you if you should act on the attraction or not is you. You'll probably want to consider things like how strongly you are attracted to the friend. If you do decide to persue this I would advise telling your partner that you have an attraction to his friend and may be interested in acting on it but would like to hear his (as in your partners) views before acting. I would imagine that starting with an open relationship could help.
Hope this helped!

Kommander 06-16-2011 09:03 AM

Inherently, no, there's nothing wrong with dating a partner's friend. About the only general rule in polyamory is that dishonesty is bad. Everything else is up to the individuals involved to determine for themselves.

Considering you started this thread, I take it you're concerned your partner might not like it. There's really only one way to be sure: talk to your partner about it. Listen to any concerns they have, and go from there. You know, that whole "communication" thing everyone's always talking about that no one seems to know how to do.

nycindie 06-16-2011 09:54 AM

Okay, here's how I'm understanding your situation: You and your partner are non-monogamous. I am not sure whether you have an open relationship, or if you two are polyamorous (I'm gathering it is open). But your close circle of friends do not know about it. Then there is your partner's good friend (best friend?) who does know about it and has gotten close to you from hanging out together with both you and your partner. You and your partner's friend have acknowledged an attraction to each other, and you want to know if/how you should approach your partner about either having a sexual dalliance with this friend, or starting a relationship with him (not sure if you are looking for something sexual or more of an emotional involvement).

What is the problem, exactly? If you and your partner have been hanging out a lot with this friend, don't you think your partner has observed your attraction to his friend? Is the problem that you think he would be jealous? I don't see why you couldn't bring it up in a lighthearted manner. Don't get all heavy and worried about it. It might even be something he was thinking about. I used to hang out in a large circle of friends and we all dated each other's friends and exes, whatever. If approached in a mature way, it's no biggie. How old are you guys?

Maybe you could give more info to pinpoint the problem for you??? Certainly knowing whether you and your partner are open or poly, and what kind of situation you want to pursue with said friend, would help. If you are poly, what what about other partners? And I'm just curious - are you and your partner married?

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