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-   -   Getting tired of insecurity (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10974)

kamala 06-14-2011 06:18 PM

Getting tired of insecurity
 
Nothing in life is for certain, and everything comes to an end. This I know intellectually. But I can't seem to hold that thought in my mind while at the same time abandoning myself to love/relationships.

About two months ago, my partner of about 2 years now told me that by the time the year is over, he wants to make a decision about what to do with our relationship - that is, end it and experience being single for a while (he never has, and feels that it's important for him at this stage in life to be by himself for a while) or not. It was a really gut-wrenching conversation to have because I realised that he will never, never commit to me, in any shape or form. He apologised profusely after seeing the effect it had on me and said that he regretted it - it wasn't appropriate to just bring it up like that. But it's been said and done now and it's stuck.

I've been very upset with him about it, and I feel like there is a distance now ever since. I feel like, what's the point if he's busy making plans to leave? He said a week or two after that he takes it back and that he thinks it's wise to just see how both of us feel at the end of the year. It confuses me because all of this came at a time when our relationship was going really well. Now I feel like it's eating away at me, and I feel myself hardening towards him, like I want to prepare for an inevitable breakup now so that I am not hurt later. He says he is happy with our relationship but it is important for him and for himself to explore being single.

I feel disposable and like this has come when I have just started to find my feet and security in poly. It seems like the foundation of our relationship is getting weaker and weaker. I keep looking at him and automatically distancing myself as a defense. And now, I've been reduced to making snide comments here and there when I fail to keep how I feel under wraps.

Any thoughts on commitment, especially in the poly context? How can you say: I acknowledge that nothing is forever and I don't want you to make promises that you can't keep, but I also am completely devoted to this anyway? He doesn't quite grasp why this has thrown me so much, and I can't believe how coolly and calmly he considers leaving our relationship.

Ariakas 06-15-2011 03:55 AM

Some people can move between relationships easily. Their emotional attachment being fulfilled with each person they may meet. Instead of loving and enjoying the person, they love and enjoy the "generic" connection. That can create a strong bond, but it can leave the relationship looking disposable.

Serial polyamory exists... Just like serial monogamy...

kamala 06-15-2011 05:20 AM

Thanks, Ariakas, for putting it a lot more succinctly than me :) That's exactly it, generic.

* * sigh * *

GroundedSpirit 06-15-2011 01:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kamala (Post 86369)
..........
Any thoughts on commitment, especially in the poly context? How can you say: I acknowledge that nothing is forever and I don't want you to make promises that you can't keep, but I also am completely devoted to this anyway? He doesn't quite grasp why this has thrown me so much, and I can't believe how coolly and calmly he considers leaving our relationship.

Only a general thought...........

"Commitment" has kind of become a loaded term and different people are going to react to it differently. So it's a word I'd use with a lot of caution. In the current culture - especially if there's any connection to the 'standard model', commitment generally equates to giving up options. It changes the relationship from a "desire" to an "expectation". People are very different in how they perceive (and react to) "expectations" being thrust on them..........

GS


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