Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Do we have the right? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10949)

TL4everu2 06-14-2011 02:46 AM

Do we have the right?
Ok, LT met a guy a couple weeks ago. They hit it off, and she was scared to ask him out. So, I stepped in and spoke to him about it. I told him that she liked him and all. He said the feeling was mutual. Soooo...I put it back into her hands. She asked him out. :D Well, throughout the conversations, it came out that he had been arrested in the past, and was currently about to get off probation. Well, I have been too, so it was no big deal to LT. But it certainly perked up MY ears. LT and I both went out with him for their first "date". We explained our relationship dynamic to him, and explained that all we desired was for him to be honest with us. He said no problem, and all was fine. LT eventually asked him WHAT he had been arrested for. He said it was "because of child support".

Ok....So, here comes the question: Do WE have the right to do a background check on him?

I'll say this: We already DID do one, and he was not completely honest with us. :(

He got upset that we would do one on him. I'm PISSED because he lied to my wife and I. I told her to cut it off with him because if he lied about THIS, what else would he lie about??? :confused:

Well, she has been talking to him. I'm not getting into what his charges are, but I will say that two are felonies, and none have anything to do with child support. :mad:

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?

MonoVCPHG 06-14-2011 03:19 AM


Originally Posted by TL4everu2 (Post 86242)

If you were getting into a new relationship, and had reason to believe the person had been in jail, would YOU do a background check on them?

Yup..no doubts about it. If I was on my own it might be different but my choices affect others. The guy may have been terribly embarrassed and there is no reason to think he can't change..anyone can. That being said he has no right to get pissed. Same thing goes for getting caught doing something wrong by a snoopy partner. If you do something shitty and you get caught, suck it up and prove your trustworthiness..don't just expect it.

nycindie 06-14-2011 04:54 AM

I've met lots of women who just automatically do a background check on new guys before they date them, just blanket-across-the-board with every potential date as a regular first step. You don't need any reason first.

bella123456 06-14-2011 04:58 AM

It would never occur to me to do a background check. This might be a cultural difference...but...the idea of doing a background check on a potential partner just sounds like the weirdest thing ever.

I have no capacity to understand under what circumstances I would ever feel that to be ok...

So, my answer is No. I would never do a background check. I would view that as a massive invasion of privacy.

SNeacail 06-14-2011 05:28 AM

I don't see it any different than asking for proof of STD testing, it's just smart, after all this is someone you just met. If I'm not mistaken, prison records are public record and it doesn't take much to find out the truth. I suppose it would be different if this was someone you had known for years and then all of a sudden ran a check.

MonoVCPHG 06-14-2011 05:30 AM

Just to clarify..I wouldn't check out everyone. But this guy gave a reason to look into his history.

bella123456 06-14-2011 05:57 AM


Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 86275)
than asking for proof of STD testing

But there wasn't any asking...the check was done behind his back. Or have I misunderstood ? Were you honest with him about your intention to do a background check ? Or did you keep that from him ?

I'm going to bow out of this discussion - because I think there's a strong cultural thing happening. It would be completely unacceptable here. But it seems more common there. So, I can't add much...other than illustrate that some people would find it unacceptable, therefore I feel the fact this guy is pissed off, is a fair response...one that would be shared by at least a reasonable portion of the population.

Of course, feeling like you've been lied to is also a sound reason to feel pissed off.

Mohegan 06-14-2011 06:11 AM

I don't see anyting wrong with it. Especialy cuz that story would have sounded off to me to begin with. I did one on Karma's dad before I gave him his contact info, when I found him. I didn't want Karma trying to start a relationship with him without knowing his history. I don't see anything different with a romantic relationship.

And you're right, if he'll lie about that, what else is he going to lie about. Like SN said, what's the difference between that and an STD test. Someone can say they are clean, but how do you know for sure.

It's sad that that is how it has come to be, but better safe than sadly surprised.

Tonberry 06-14-2011 06:19 AM

I would never have thought of it, and like bella the mere idea seems very foreign to me, like hiring a private investigator to check on someone you've just met. It sounds paranoid and weird, and if I heard someone had done a background check on me, I probably wouldn't want a relationship with them.

This being said, I don't think your necessarily were wrong. He had charges and you wanted to know which, I guess that makes some sense. And it seems "background check" doesn't have the same connotations of "I just had to check if you're a serial rapist before shaking your hand" over there than it does for me or bella, so it might be something he should have expected a bit more.

Since, I would definitely be upfront about that and even do the background check together. Since it was compared to a STD test, I wouldn't go check someone's health record, but I would ask for test result and/or take a new test together.
I would provide mine in return though, so I would say, did you offer your own background checks as well? It seems only fair.

In the end, while I can get why he'd be pissed, I think lying about that to begin with really doesn't bode well, and instead of being pissed he should have been explaining why he lied, apologized for lying, and then said he wished you hadn't done a background check behind his back.

SNeacail 06-14-2011 06:50 AM

I think there may be a cultural thing here. There are hundreds of sites that will do simple background checks, mostly it's to see criminal activity and it's only $10-$25 on average. All it basically does is check "public" information, it's not a credit check nor what the FBI or military would consider a real background check.

I also agree with Mono - this guy did give reason to warrant a check of criminal history.

All times are GMT. The time now is 07:44 AM.