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-   -   Wife's boyfriend is ready! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1093)

ericm12121977 10-30-2009 05:04 PM

Wife's boyfriend is ready!
 
Hello everyone,

I just wanted to talk and see if I am really as alone as I sometimes feel. I have been married to the woman of my dreams for almost 11 years now. We literally dated for a month and got married without knowing who we were and how we would ever learn to accept each other. I can honestly say that it hasn't been the easiest road in the world but at the same time, I would do it over again and again. We did the swinger thing in the past and really enjoyed it, but the only way that we did it was inviting other men into the picture to play with her. I know, we are not the so typical couple out there seeking other females. To me that always seemed kinda one sided and I know that that is just my opinion. I truly to enjoy seeing her with other men.

Now to get to the current situation at hand. My wife and I have become very close to each other and we both love each other with our whole beings. I have never been one to be overbearing or self-centered. I have always believed that you can and will love more than just one person in your life and that all though not every relationship is meant to last forever they are connections in your life that you value to extents. My wife has been working on this for a little while now and has seen that she is capable of having an emotional connection with another man. She and I have spent about the last 3 months talking about her emotions and how she is learning that it is ok to love more than just one person at a time. She has been friends with a guy for the last 2 years that she knew she had feelings for but didn't know if she could actually have strong emotional feeling for. As time has gone by they both have come to the realization that they both have these feelings for each other. We all have spent time talking and getting to know more about each of ourselves and each other for the last few months now.

As he lives in another state due to family issues that have now resolved themselves, he is on his way back to the area in which we live. He and my wife have been spending numerous hours a night talking on the phone, web-cam and writing e-mails back and forth to each other and nothing has been kept a secret from me. She lets me listen to the conversations that they have and she has let me read the e-mails as well as see the web-cam shows that they put on for each other. I do struggle with the amount of time they are devoting to each other at this time, but at the same time I also see the "newness" of the relationship and remember back to the days when her and I first met and were courting each other and how much time we devoted to the flirtation and companionship.

Does anyone else struggle with the feelings of being left out and not being needed but knowing that those thoughts really don't hold any merit?

I know that the love shared between her and I is very strong to the core and I really don't ever see anything happening between her and I in regards to falling apart. I also know through the many conversations that him and I have had that he is ready and able to accept that she is in love with the both of us and that if he can't handle it then he needs to be honest and say so. I know that you can't really tell how your going to feel about something this important until you get into it. I fully accept that and agree that they both need their dating time. We don't know the best way of dealing with the time issue but we do know that it doesn't mean less love if one of us don't get to spend time with her when the other is with her.

We are still new to this as this is really the first time that bringing another person into the picture is not just about sex. This is about love and connection and trust and understanding. Yes we all know that it won't be an easy road but we are all willing to work on it as we go along. I am sorry if this post makes no sense. It is mostly just about me being able to communicate with like-minded individuals that hopefully can share a little bit of their knowledge and insight about the obstacles that we will face. I have read many of the posts but it really seems that most of the in-depth ones pertain more to having a second female in the picture verse a second male. I hope to be able to learn and grow from all of this.

Thank you,
Eric

sea 10-30-2009 06:00 PM

Hi Eric,

You are deffinately not alone!

Although the relationship we have is one man and two women, we are not the more common 'triad' we are a V, I love Sweetie very much, am emotionally connected, we just don't happen to be bi and have the sexual element.

The dynamics of each relationship on here my vary greatly, but many of the issues still remain the same. It's great to be able to hear all the different perspectives, they may be eye openers, sometimes even a kick in the ass! But you will know, you are not alone!

Welcome and enjoy the forum!

Sea

sweetie 11-02-2009 12:18 AM

Welcome to the forum. You should find many people here in similar situations. I just wanted to add what Sea posted.

It sounds like you are very aware of the pitfalls, and what might arise, and are willing to try to make it work. Not just for your wife, and her b/f, but yourself as well.

Sea and Tommy, came from the same situation. I have to say honestly, that they thought they would be aware and able to deal with things that arose. They weren't, and neither was I. I thought coming from the swinging lifestyle, that they would be far ahead of my thought process. But swinging is sex. Yes, the ultimate goal for some is to find a couple to share every aspect of your life, but it doesn't seem to get there, unless you are very fortunate. So in walks me. I am single, and entered our relationship believing that what they had learned from their previous lifestyle would give us all direction. I have found that poly isn't like that at all. When you bring emotions, and feelings, and start sharing each others lives, all you believed that you had learned previously, takes on a new learning curve.

Your feelings aren't unfounded. If you don't know. You don't know. It sounds like the three of you are going into your new relationship with open eyes and open hearts. Keep communicating. If you're not sure, say you aren't. If you need a little more time to deal with the current situation, say you need a little more time. If it's real love between your wife and her partner, it won't go away, because you need time to adjust.

Until reading your post, I didn't realize that sometimes one partner or another feels left behind, because we aren't able to share the NRE. We want them to be happy, we also want to share it, and we do. Sometimes only by watching and supporting. That doesn't mean we can't feel a little left out. That NRE is exciting. We remember it, and want it for ourselves as well as our partners. Redpepper said it best. " The more love you give, the more you receive." But that doesn't mean it won't take a little while to get there, and see it and recognize it for what it is.

I hope all goes well in your new found relationship. You realize it won't be easy, and maybe that's all you can do for now. See what could be.

redpepper 11-02-2009 08:30 AM

You are most definitely not alone and made perfect sense. Yes, others feel left out even though it doesn't hold merit.

I suggest that you back away a bit and get on with other things in your life. There is such a thing as being overly involved I think you need to give your wife some privacy. I love that you are so in tune with her. I should think that would mean that you trust her and can let her go about having you to support her while she explores this other man.

Have a good look around on these forums. There is lots to read that is similar. I am sure you will find some interesting similar situations that will help.

ericm12121977 11-02-2009 02:49 PM

I really appreciate all the input that you guys have added. It means a lot to me to be able to get some input on the situation that I am going through and that my wife and I are both talking about openly and honestly. I truly appreciate the input. Thank you all.

Tahirabs 11-02-2009 03:22 PM

From my husband
 
I can see where your comming from... sort of! My husband seems to be where you are as I have found a new love in a wonderful women who just happen to end up at our door step (long story...:) He tells me all the time he is not jelouse of what she and I have he jsut doesn't want to be left out. If you tell your wife this over and over it might help. I have now learned to try and find new ways to show my husband that I love him. This is a new fun and exciting challange. I have even told my girlfriend that she has given me this new challange and how good it is for my husband and me and she feels good that she can give us this. Maybe you can do this as well. hummm... just thoughts :)


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