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PussNBoots 06-12-2011 03:50 PM

New to everything. Sex, relationships, poly
 
So, where to begin? I guess I'll start with my back story. So for most of my life I have always been the shy nerdy guy. I only worked up the courage to ask women out once in a blue moon. Add to that the fact that I grew up in a highly conservative religious environment where any deviation from a strict "no sex before marriage" policy was seen as sinful (even if it just occurred in your thought life). Masturbation was a sin. Lusting after a woman was a sin. Thinking naughty thoughts about her was a sin, etc. So because of a combination of the two I never even experienced my first kiss until age 30 (just under a year ago). The closest thing I ever had to a girlfriend was a girl I dated for a couple of months when I was 15 who pulled me over one day saying "we need to talk" and gave me the "let's just be friends" talk. The most we ever did physically was hold hands. In college I spent a lonely several years (nearly a decade) without a single date.

It was also during college and grad school that I went through a rather lengthy process of questioning the religious beliefs I was raised with and at the end of the process I did a complete 180 and am now an atheist, as of about 4 years ago. During that time my beliefs about sex and sexuality changed too. I stopped feeling guilty about masturbation, watched a lot of porn, eventually got bored with mainstream porn, and started exploring the world of kink online. In this past year I had a couple of one-night stands with some women I was friends with, and each time I was really hoping it would turn into a relationship, but the women felt differently about it and broke it off. I am still friends with them. But it was difficult to get my hopes up and then be disappointed. I felt like for a brief time I got to experience what it is like for people in relationships--the tender kisses and hugs, looking into your lover's eyes with abandon, the warmth of their body against yours, and sex. I only wish it could have lasted longer.

So why I am here, you may ask? Well, a couple of months ago at a rave party I met a married woman who asked if I knew what polyamory was, and I admitted I'd read about it, but never actually met someone who was. As it turned out she and her husband were in a polyamorous relationship. It was interesting and I talked to the both of them for a while in a "get to know you" kind of way. When I saw her again a couple of weeks later at another rave she pulled me aside from the party, kissed me, and said she'd really, really like to go on a date with me, and asked me if I was OK with that. I said I would be fine with it but I wanted to talk with her husband first about it to make sure we were all on the same page.

As it turned out, that first date never happened. She had to cancel once because she was exhausted from other obligations she was busy with, and also preparing for a fetish convention that she was one of the leaders of. As it turned out, I was going to that exact same fetish convention! We ended up kissing again at the convention, and I asked her when I might see her again, and that was when she told me that she wasn't so sure if things were going to work out with me. She has several men all wanting to date her, has already been on dates with a couple of them, and she said that I seemed kind of fragile and she didn't want to date me unless she could devote a fair amount of time to me, which she can't right now. ( As to the "fragile" comment--I'm still trying to figure out a good way to tell a woman about my lonely inexperienced past without scaring her away, sigh! :( )

At the time I felt hurt and confused, like I had been led on. Of course, rationally I don't believe that it was actually her intention to lead me on, but emotionally it was still hard on me.

That experience also has me now seriously considering the question "Am I polyamorous?" If that answer is "yes", it will affect the kind of relationships I seek out. I also don't know how one normally reveals that to someone when you first start dating them, and I'd like to have thought about it beforehand if I should find myself in a position to date someone again.

This past year has been a journey for me of trying to figure out my own sexual identity. So much has changed in terms of my belief system, and me finally starting to overcome my own shyness, going to fetish conventions and wearing a spandex catsuit in public (I would have never dreamed I would have been daring enough to do that!), and exploring the world of alternative sexuality. In a way I feel like I've lived in a dream world for most of my life (and not a good dream, a very lonely isolated dream), and I just woke up from it.

vixtresses 06-12-2011 04:46 PM

Well hi! You weren't by any chance in ATI, were you? Your religious background sounds very similar to mine, and my family was pretty involved in that program. Obviously I'm not involved in the program anymore. :p

I'm going through a somewhat similar transition in terms of exploring poly and rearranging my religious beliefs. I'm not quite at a point where I would feel comfortable saying I'm an atheist, but I think agnostic is a pretty good description. I guess I was a little lucky in that my family pretty much exploded out of the program when I was 16 due to a really complicated situation, and I've been exploring my own beliefs and sexuality since then.

I don't have anything in the way of advice since I'm brand-spanking new to poly myself, but I just wanted to say hi. :)

PussNBoots 06-12-2011 07:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vixtresses (Post 85851)
Well hi! You weren't by any chance in ATI, were you?

Nope, I can't say I'm familiar with ATI. What does it stand for? I grew up in a small independent Christian church (with pentecostal/evangelical leanings) in the rural midwest. I'm the only one in my family so far to have questioned the religion, so it's tough sometimes trying to relate to them. I guess one fortunate thing is that living several states away now I only see them a couple of times a year, and the initial firestorm has died down and I think they realize that their time spent with me is too valuable to waste it on a fiery religious debate where nobody wins.

I have recently discovered that the rave community, Burning Man community, and fetish communities (which seem to have a lot of overlap) in Atlanta are chock full of some interesting and very non-conventional people! I love it!

SNeacail 06-13-2011 06:48 AM

HeHe, I tried to throw away my core faith (God and Christ), but couldn't. I did come to the conclusion that most of what I have been told, espescially about sex over the years is total BS. I also don't quite believe that the Bible is absolutely ONLY God's Word and not influenced by man (that went over well with the rents). So, while I still call myself a Christian, my mother is convinced that I'm going to hell because I don't believe in her absolutes :eek:. I'm very painfully learning how to just smile and nod. By nature, I want to argue my point, so it's a painful process, but the conflict and knowing that if I open my mouth, she will have all her friends "praying" for my soul, just isn't worth it.

I know you called yourself an athiest, but I will recomend a book anyway, especially as someone who lived within the religon for so many years. Divine Sex: Liberating Sex from Religous Tradition. 1. It has given me some great "Biblical" points to use when I just can't "smile and nod", 2. It reaffirmed a lot of conclussions I had come to on my own - "The Church" is full of shit on many subjects.:p

Welcome to the board. These guys have awesome advice when it comes to dealing with any and all relationship issues, mono, poly (or any combination), with or without fetish. Read a bunch, guaranteed you should learn somethings about yourself.

vixtresses 06-13-2011 12:07 PM

ATI is... well, it stands for Advanced Training Institute. Doesn't tell you much, does it? LOL. It's an organization started by a guy named Bill Gothard... actually, here, this blog entry (not my own) articulates it much better than I ever could.

Magdlyn 06-13-2011 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vixtresses (Post 86049)
ATI is... well, it stands for Advanced Training Institute. Doesn't tell you much, does it? LOL. It's an organization started by a guy named Bill Gothard.

Oh, that is the cult those crazy fame whores the Duggars ascribe to, on their show 19 Kids and Counting.

http://www.bglobetrotterextraordinai...nal-poster.jpg


http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress...-clown-car.jpg

I often wonder how their kids will turn out. Who will rebel?

Joshua James - March 3, 1988
Jana Marie - January 12, 1990
John-David - January 12, 1990
Jill Michelle - May 17, 1991
Jessa Lauren - November 4, 1992
Jinger Nicole - December 21, 1993
Joseph Garrett - January 20, 1995
Josiah Matthew - August 28, 1996
Joy-Anna - October 28, 1997
Jedidiah Robert - December 30, 1998
Jeremiah Robert - December 30, 1998
Jason Michael - April 21, 2000
James Andrew - July 7, 2001
Justin Samuel - November 15, 2002
Jackson Levi - May 23, 2004
Johannah Faith - October, 11 2005
Jennifer Danielle - August, 2 2007
Jordyn-Grace Makiya - December, 18 2008
Josie Brooklyn - December, 10 2009

Save Jinger!

vixtresses 06-13-2011 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 86054)
Oh, that is the cult those crazy fame whores the Duggars ascribe to, on their show 19 Kids and Counting.
*snip*
I often wonder how their kids will turn out. Who will rebel?

Joshua James - March 3, 1988
Jana Marie - January 12, 1990
John-David - January 12, 1990
Jill Michelle - May 17, 1991
Jessa Lauren - November 4, 1992
Jinger Nicole - December 21, 1993
Joseph Garrett - January 20, 1995
Josiah Matthew - August 28, 1996
Joy-Anna - October 28, 1997
Jedidiah Robert - December 30, 1998
Jeremiah Robert - December 30, 1998
Jason Michael - April 21, 2000
James Andrew - July 7, 2001
Justin Samuel - November 15, 2002
Jackson Levi - May 23, 2004
Johannah Faith - October, 11 2005
Jennifer Danielle - August, 2 2007
Jordyn-Grace Makiya - December, 18 2008
Josie Brooklyn - December, 10 2009

Save Jinger!

Yep, that's the one. I wonder the same thing about their kids. So many of them, they can't possibly all stay in the program... can they?

PussNBoots 06-13-2011 10:58 PM

So I looked at the link. So a lot of the specific details are different, but I see a lot of parallels. Basically an intense focus on only ever doing what "glorified the lord" and an entire body of literature and training sessions/revival meetings/etc. devoted to that singular theme. I still don't know whether I would quite call it [the church I grew up in] a cult or not, but it certainly bordered on one!

vixtresses 06-13-2011 11:14 PM

Yeah, sounds quite familiar. I'm not sure I'd call it a cult either, but I sure can see how it looks like one. My family also didn't always adhere to it as strictly as some did, so I guess I missed a good chunk of the brainwashing. Still got a good bit of it anyhow, though.

River 06-14-2011 01:57 AM

Courage
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by PussNBoots (Post 85844)
... and she said that I seemed kind of fragile and she didn't want to date me unless she could devote a fair amount of time to me, which she can't right now. ( As to the "fragile" comment--I'm still trying to figure out a good way to tell a woman about my lonely inexperienced past without scaring her away, sigh! :( )

I know what it is like to feel that one might be rejected for having significant differences from the largely imaginary "normal". Here's my advice: Find a woman (or whomever) that you sense has a big heart, loads of compassion and wisdom -- whether or not your relationship is to be "romantic," and just let it all come out. Let it all come out. And you'll find that it wasn't as it seemed, wasn't as big a deal as it seemed. And you will be refreshed and strengthened by it. :) Holding in important stuff wears us down and makes us feel small. We're not.


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