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-   -   Idlovetwo's Blog (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10858)

Idlovetwo 06-11-2011 08:00 PM

Idlovetwo's Blog
Hi all,

Sorry I haven't posted for a while. It's been an emotionally difficult time for me. Now I thought I would start one of these blogs, maybe it will help me :)

I'll remind you (see my introduction post here) I'm female, straight, and had a mono relationship with Jan until I discovered I was poly and I fell in love with Carl too.

Jan had a very hard time with my polyness and we broke up for some time, but I can't be a person I am not. Anyway, he knew my door was open, and now he is back, knowing what I'm like and trying to accept it. I try to show him how much I love him, but still it's not easy for him.

My other love, Carl, is poly too. He lives a thousand miles away so it's a LDR for the moment - internet and that, and visiting now and then.

The news is that I'll be moving near Carl at the end of this month (also for work reasons), so then it would be the other way round, LDR with Jan and spending more time with Carl. I'm a bit nervous about it, but excited ;)

The other piece of news is that Carl is back with his ex-mono girlfriend, Paula, who is also trying to accept his polyness. Yup, the same situation as Jan and me! Isn't it funny?

I'm pleased for Carl because I know he loves her. But also, for me, it means that I have a metamour for the first time. I didn't feel "truly poly" until it happened. And it's weird sometimes, even if they are a thousand miles away. I haven't seen Carl in person since they are back together, I wonder how it will feel.

So, this would be an "N", right? (For the moment, that is!) We'll see how the "ends" of the N cope with it. Maybe we should introduce them to each other. LOL. :rolleyes:

sage 06-11-2011 10:07 PM

Sounds like you have it all pretty sorted. How is Jan going to cope with you being long distance? It's one thing coming to terms with a poly partner when you're mono but quite another to be long distance and especially when another love is physically closer. I wouldn't want to try it.

Idlovetwo 06-12-2011 06:26 PM

Yeah, I think Jan is the one who will have a hard time now. But in a way, some distance may be good for him. I always have the impression that I'm preventing him from finding someone else who can give him what he wants. I would love to keep him with me, but also, I want him to be happy, and I'm not sure if being with me is the way for that... Time will tell.

Actually, none of the relationships in this network is really steady yet, it's the first poly relationship for everyone of us and it's all new. We'll all do our best :o

Idlovetwo 06-12-2011 08:54 PM

BTW, Sage, I love your blog, I had seen it before but didn't know it was someone in here. I might even get the ebook for my boyfriend, maybe it would help him... :)

Idlovetwo 06-24-2011 01:59 AM

Leaving in a week
I'm getting a bit nervous about moving near Carl. Heading there next week. I'm so looking forward to seeing him after almost three months, and at the same time making the most of my time with Jan before I leave.

Then again, no hurry on that, but I guess I'll see Carl's other girlfriend soon. I don't know how that will feel for all of us, this is the first poly experience for everyone and we all feel a bit scared. Any advice? :o

Actually, I've met her before, when he was his mono girlfriend (before they broke up) and I was just a friend, maybe this can make things easier. She is a very nice girl. And I say girl because she is much younger than me (and than him), so I'm not sure how she will take this. Plus, she started going out with him in a mono relationship, they broke up, and now she is back but having to "share" her boyfriend with me. I hope she doesn't blame me for the new situation.

Although, I think I can get along with her, I truly hope so. After all, we have something in common, right? ;)

Idlovetwo 08-24-2011 08:35 PM

Hi friends, here I am again. I am back near Jan for a few weeks, after spending almost two months with Carl. You may think Jan would have the hardest time in this, but actually Skype has worked reasonably well :)

Actually, I think it's Carl who doesn't know how to handle this. As he was already going out with Paula, his friends and family already knew her, and they have no idea there was another girlfriend (me) in the distance. Moreover, people knew them as a traditional mono couple some two years back, and all they can see is that they are back together. It seems they haven't explained to anybody that it's different now.

So, now that I've moved near them, Carl dedicates equal time to both of us (not together though, I don't see her much), BUT , he doesn't want to introduce me as his girlfriend or anything. It turns out that we can't hold hands, we can't do anything when we are with other people.

Of course I've tried to let him know I don't feel comfortable with this, but he sticks to "it's nobody's business". Okay, so you have two relationships, one is nobody's business and the other is everybody's business? I don't get it. Then again, I can't say these words to him, because fighting leads nowhere, and also because -golden rule-, whatever you do, don't compare relationships. But it's there. He feels comfortable, looking mono to the world. I don't.

As I insist, now he is telling me he needs time to "transition" to the new situation. Ok, that's better than nothing. But the worst thing is that people will probably start to figure out, and will think we are cheating on "his girlfriend". I don't know how long the "transition" will take for him, but I can't go on like this for much longer. Pretending, or hiding away, is not what I'm looking for.

It's good that I won't be with him for a few weeks, we all need to think.

Any ideas...?

AnnabelMore 08-24-2011 09:29 PM

Pointing out a double standard isn't the same as trying to start a fight. Maybe he really hasn't thought of it that way. It's really damaging to feel like you're a secret... both emotionally AND physically!! This is just the first article I found but I've seen other stuff about this out there before: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-relationships

He doesn't need to come out to his stuffy boss or his conservative grandma, but he needs to begin coming out to his close friends and, ideally, his close family as well. Otherwise you will always be worrying about how you express yourself lest someone find out the secret, and as generations of tortured closet case queers can tell you, that's a miserable path. He's doing you both more harm than he knows, and he needs to see that, whether or not it starts a fight.

AnnabelMore 08-24-2011 09:40 PM

Dan Savage has really good advice for telling people about things that might really challenge them. Carl might find this useful. Basically, if you say "I'm poly and I have a second girlfriend... it's been going on for a while but I didn't know how to bring it up before" and you say it in a tone of voice like you're saying "I have cancer, it's late stage and I couldn't bear to say anything earlier" people will respond badly. Tone of voice and wording is everything. This is such a new idea to most people, they just don't know how to respond. If you say it like it's bad or shameful, they'll take that in and act like it is and may not be able to change after that.

So, say it like it's the awesome thing it is! Like, "There's something that's been making me really happy, and I've decided it's time to share it with you. The gf and I decided to open up our relationship a while back, and I've been involved with a wonderful girl for X months. Everything is out in the open, everyone's doing good, and I love them both to death. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask, I know it's unusual but it's been so great for all of us." Or whatever version of that is true to your situation.

Some people will respond well or poorly either way, but for many it's all in the presentation.

Idlovetwo 08-26-2011 01:22 AM

Thanks a lot for the suggestions, good advice. I'll keep working on it.

Certainly it's hurting all of us, even the other girlfriend. I know he does it for her, because it's her who wants a mono relationship, or kind of "pretend" it is. But it's harming her too. Plus, she doesn't show any bad feelings to me, but I know she mustn't be very happy that I'm there.

It's even worse if you look at the timeline of the events,

- Carl breaks up with Paula because he can't stand monogamy any more,

- I start a relationship with Carl knowing we would be poly and find other partners, but there weren't any for the moment, so we were out there openly,

- The ex-girlfriend comes back and I have to step back to the "side" and start to hide while they pretend to be mono, when that is precisely the cause why they broke up in the first place.

Sorry the rant, but sometimes I think I am the only one with a minimum of common sense in this. :mad:

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