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-   -   On being called a "whore" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10817)

Ivy 06-10-2011 10:52 PM

On being called a "whore"
So, I've seen a couple threads where women have talked about being boy-crazy as a teenager, being labeled a "whore," and what that did to their self-esteem.

Now, I come from the other side of the tracks, so to speak--I was never pretty at all, and despite much crushing, it wasn't until late in high school that I got any attention at all. I was called names just as brutal as "whore," but without any validation in the form of being desired.

Many of the women who were most brutal toward me were those who were "boy-crazy." I wasn't even allowed to have a harmless crush on anyone; it inevitably turned into relentless taunting. At the time, I rationalized it thus: those girls defined their self-worth entirely by their appeal to men; I had very little appeal to men; therefore, in their worldview, I was worthless. (The boys agreed, of course). Moreover, they were unwilling to share attention, because less attention would mean less personal security--so every female interaction was a round of competition.

For those of you who were boy-crazy and blessed with good looks, how did you view women who weren't attractive? I definitely saw the "boy-crazy" girls as cruel, greedy, and vain, and I'm embarrassed to admit I sometimes responded accordingly. I'm curious what the view was from the other side of the tracks. What motivated the pretty girls to treat the rest of us with such disgust and disdain?

It sucks to feel like crap about your sexuality, whether they're calling you a whore or a fat cow. Sadly, I suspect mutual understanding, respect, and support are beyond the emotional capacity of most teenagers.

Any thoughts or input?

Erosa 06-12-2011 03:02 AM

It is actually a policy of criminal profilers NEVER ever to profile anyone under 18 Because all teenAgers profile as some variety of sociopath. (real life fact)

I didn't go to school so I have no die what this dynamic is like. But I have to say, based on what you wrote here, there is probably a lot of vicious and totally pointless stabbing that goes on.

And at this point in time, all you can really do is forgive.

redpepper 06-13-2011 09:33 PM

Wow, interesting question. I was never in one group I just observed from the outside on my own. I was good with that for the most part as I blended well where ever I went, but it was lonely.

I was cute I guess and boys liked me... I had a lot of dates and lots of funny sexual experiences, but I never really paid attention to others. I noticed that some of the girls would look down their noses and called me names, but I didn't bother with them, because I just figured it was because their boyfriends were checking out my ass as I walked down the hall... I could talk to boys and had best friends who were boys, that was threatening for some girls for sure.

As for "ugly girls" *meh* I B-lined to them as they were often the most genuine and real. The big thing in my school was racism towards first nation Canadians. Not so much looks.... some how if you were native you were uglier than the ugliest.... so Fucking hurtful and ridiculous. I was an outsider that moved from a big city (Toronto) to a small town... I seemed to be one of the few that saw how Fucked up that idea was. I was an activist from day one and made a point of being a good friend to anyone that was the underdog.... funny cause nothing much has changed. I still am like that and still a bit lonely in a group because I never entirely fit in, even if people say I do.

I would think that a lot of what you saw in those pretty girls was their lack of self esteem and their in ability to be anything else but a pretty face. When you are in that time of life everything seems to revolve around surface crap... when age and wisdom creep in, it doesn't matter any more and those pretty girls have nothin' cause we all get old and worn looking in time.

I would wonder what it means to you what peoples answers are here... what are you still looking for in this question?

Derbylicious 06-14-2011 06:34 PM

In high school I think everyone is so self centred with their own issues that they really don't think much about anyone else. Most people have the horror stories from high school about being tormented for one reason or another.

I was cute enough back in the day but didn't have any kind of validation until I was about 16 either. I was quite shy for a long time and really not all that interested in dating. I didn't really *get* being boy crazy.

I was on the periphery of a few cliques, never a central member of any of them. I knew who my friends were and as for the rest of them if they were going to call me names so be it. A lot of the time I think the public humiliation of someone "less attractive" is very much to reassure the person doing the attacking that they are better in some way. Most of these people grow up and become decent human beings once they develop some sense of self worth outside the purely physical.

Carma 06-14-2011 11:13 PM

I didn't fit in with ANYONE in school :( I was very pretty and got curves in the 6th grade. ALL of the girls hated me. The pretty girls, I guess they saw me as competition (adults would say, "Oh, it's because they are jealous," but they didn't seem "jealous" -- to me that would mean they actually liked something about me! They seemed repulsed.) The not-so-pretty girls assumed I was a dumb blonde.

To this day I have very few female friends. I am terribly lonely in that regard. My daughters say it's because I'm "too nice." Funny but that is so true! It seems to be a common female bonding ritual, even in adult women (especially the pretty ones), to cut down other women. They criticize each other mercilessly, for the way they dress, accessorize, talk, walk, keep house, raise kids, and especially the way they regard MEN. I am NOT in the man haters' club and I never will be. I commiserate with most of the men I meet in social circles -- their wives are petty bitches. I don't see much difference in the way the women look!!! I am so disheartened by the prevalence of nasty "feminists," and by that I mean feminism gone bad. So many women seem to think men OWE them, big time.

I am finally realizing that I'd rather just be an outsider than belong to their "club." It's still lonely but I'm learning to cope, and to totally appreciate and cherish the few good female friendships I do have. And, naturally, to cherish my male friendships! :)

Sorry, re-reading that I see how bitter I sound. I think there is a lot of residual pain left over from high school. It hurts to be excluded by my sister women. But boys/men (with a few truly opportunist jerk exceptions) have almost always been welcoming, warm and kind. I still find that to be true in my adult life.

FORTUNATELY, I have found a few sister sluts here on this forum :p (and, having just read "The Ethical Slut," I use the term as one of loving endearment) and it is here that maybe for the first time in my life I feel a sense of true acceptance from my sisters. You are ALL beautiful to me -- and it's funny, most of the women I have met on here do not describe themselves as fashion models or Miss America prototypes. What I see here are women with beautiful MINDS and HEARTS. Hey hey, now THERE'S the club in which I'd like to be included!

nycindie 06-15-2011 03:37 AM

Junior High and High School were so painful for me, I can't even bring myself to write about it. The emotional scars that were inflicted by my peers made me near-suicidal. I considered going to my 20th high school reunion just so I could kick all those guys who tormented me in the balls. The women -- I wouldn't even acknowledge their existence. The things they did and said... I am 51 and when I think back, I feel the anger still.

Somegeezer 06-17-2011 08:44 AM

I'm a guy and went through similar stuff. I didn't even have my first GF til I was 13. Wher all the other guys were getting the girls in primary school. But I did notice I ended up getting more attention as I grew my hair. Strange, because most girls I know aren't really into long hair. So kind of a backwards thing to end up getting more attention from it. I still feel like I'm below most guys though. I've always been one to fit in with groups of girls and never really get along with a lot of guys.

Tonberry 06-20-2011 12:39 PM

I was an "ugly girl". I was very insecure due to growing huge breasts very fast, among other things, and wore XXL male clothes during all my high school years.
I was also a nerd and an outcast.

When I was in university I started feeling a bit less insecure. I was hit on when I was 19 and it felt so weird and awesome. After that I realised guys were attracted to me and had a lot of casual sex.
Then I realised it wasn't what I wanted.

All that to say I was an "ugly girl" and that didn't prevent me from being a "whore" afterwards. Both were hard to live with, but now I have more confidence and I care less about what people say. I think it has to do with the fact I dealt with a lot of crap, and then I just got out of the whole thing, and none of it mattered anymore. And I realised, what people say, it doesn't matter. It doesn't have to affect me. I live the life I want to, make sure not to hurt others, and to hell with people who have a problem with that.

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