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-   -   Dealing with NRE long distance (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10800)

Minxxa 06-10-2011 02:32 PM

Dealing with NRE long distance
 
Hey all! So I'm looking for some ideas on how to deal with your SO's NRE when you're 3,000 miles apart. :)

Basically, hubs has a new girlfriend, and it's moved really fast (faster than either of them thought) into something more serious, or at least not just a sexual relationship. Where it goes is still up in the air, but it's definitely in the NRE stage of emails, texts calls, wanting to hang out all of the time. The time frame has been quick, they talked and realized a connection 6 weeks ago, and have been dating for almost a month now.

So I've been doing a lot of mental and emotional work for the past month, working through my feelings and thoughts when they're together, etc. It's all good work, but it takes a lot out of me sometimes and when hubs mentioned wanting to go out with her this weekend to do some shopping, etc, I realized I just needed one weekend off, to be out of my head, so I can actually relax and not be having to think and feel so much. He agreed, wasn't too happy about it at first (he said it was like his mom took away his puppy, LOL), but realized how fast they'd been going and understood.

I found some articles on NRE and emailed them to him as he has done "some" reading on poly things, but not nearly as much as I have (I'm the google queen of research, so I'm usually the one with all the info), and talked about how I understood he was all excited about the relationship and it was all new, but that he had to realize that he couldn't have his way ALL of the time and I have to make sure I'm emotionally healthy and don't get run over in their excitement over the new shiny.

I think the articles helped a little for him to see this was common, but one thing he mentioned and that I saw was that the only real help for the OLD partner in dealing with this is to make sure they're getting time and attention and feeling cared for. Which is REALLY hard to do when you're 3,000 miles apart. I am feeling like she's getting everything I'm not (and am missing terribly) because right now she IS getting everything I'm not physically (and physical touch is super important to me so that's been hard enough without a new person in the mix). We do talk, but it's just not enough to make up for the physical side we can't have right now.

I'm going out there over the July 4th holiday, so in 2-1/2 weeks which will help I'm SURE, but I am trying to come up with some things for him and I to do to help me feel loved, help me feel not left out and that we can do even separated by all of the miles.

TruckerPete 06-10-2011 02:59 PM

Do you do anything together with your husband?

What I mean, is sometimes you want to spend time with him, but don't have anything to talk about, so it's very frustrating to have a conversation.

Mr. A and I frequently play games together or watch movies "together". It's nice to hear his voice and laughter and spend time with him even though I have nothing new to say. We also cam and have phone sex to keep a "physical" aspect going when we can't be with each other.

I would say that the time he's spending with his new gf would not be an issue if you felt like all of your needs were being met? If you try to fix the problem of not having those needs met, you will be surprised at how the time he spends with his gf will become less of a problem for you.

Minxxa 06-10-2011 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 85589)
Do you do anything together with your husband?

What I mean, is sometimes you want to spend time with him, but don't have anything to talk about, so it's very frustrating to have a conversation.

Mr. A and I frequently play games together or watch movies "together". It's nice to hear his voice and laughter and spend time with him even though I have nothing new to say. We also cam and have phone sex to keep a "physical" aspect going when we can't be with each other.

I would say that the time he's spending with his new gf would not be an issue if you felt like all of your needs were being met? If you try to fix the problem of not having those needs met, you will be surprised at how the time he spends with his gf will become less of a problem for you.

So are you talking about watching movies and playing games online or something? That's an idea... I'll have to try to figure out something. We did used to have skype dates every week or two, and some phone sex/video sex, but we haven't done that in... oh, about a month! LOL... so yeah, since he's had the GF our communication has been rarer and mostly conversations about what's going on with that relationship and my feelings about that relationship. Argh! I'll talk to him about getting that back online for sure...

Yeah, I realize that my feelings are all because I'm NOT getting my needs met, it's just been hard for me to figure out how to do that without actual physical touch. The video and stuff helps for sure, but yeah, definitely need more conversations about US and more sharing of fun things, not always talking about the practical stuff...

TruckerPete 06-10-2011 03:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Minxxa (Post 85594)
So are you talking about watching movies and playing games online or something? That's an idea... I'll have to try to figure out something. We did used to have skype dates every week or two, and some phone sex/video sex, but we haven't done that in... oh, about a month! LOL... so yeah, since he's had the GF our communication has been rarer and mostly conversations about what's going on with that relationship and my feelings about that relationship. Argh! I'll talk to him about getting that back online for sure...

Yeah, so we play a couple of Xbox games together, and also watch Netflix at the same time while in the same party, with the mics on. But if you're not a gamer, there would be nothing to stop you from watching a favourite tv show while on the phone together, or renting a movie together, etc.

Hell, if you like board games, you could find FB apps that you both like and can play at the same time.

Lots of options! Figure out what you like to do, and then how to do that together. I'm creative if you want to bounce ideas off of me. :)

Minxxa 06-10-2011 04:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TruckerPete (Post 85596)
Yeah, so we play a couple of Xbox games together, and also watch Netflix at the same time while in the same party, with the mics on. But if you're not a gamer, there would be nothing to stop you from watching a favourite tv show while on the phone together, or renting a movie together, etc.

Hell, if you like board games, you could find FB apps that you both like and can play at the same time.

Lots of options! Figure out what you like to do, and then how to do that together. I'm creative if you want to bounce ideas off of me. :)

We do play Words with Friends on Iphone, but he has been lagging-- last time it was 10 days between moves. LOL. And I'm not a gamer, but I'm sure I can come up with something we can do for sure. I did text him and tell him that I'd like to do skype dates more often again (not that oftne, but once a week for sure!). I think that because he's been in the NRE whirl and also busy with work he didn't realize he'd basically stopped doing all of that with me. It's like because his sexual/sensual needs are being met there, he forgot that mine aren't.

In a way this is the first time we've really had to deal with NRE so it's new for both of us. Once I sent him the articles/blog posts about it, he could completely see it.

Derbylicious 06-10-2011 04:31 PM

This is all so very familiar. I was pretty much were you are now last March. Here's a link to my journey. I'm not sure how much it will help, but it might be nice not to feel so alone. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2344

It's hard not to have that physical reassurance that everything is going to be ok when your spouse is in NRE with someone (especially if it is the first time) and they are far away from you. All the feelings you're having about everything happening too fast and not being able to catch up will pass with time.

Minxxa 06-10-2011 04:47 PM

Wow Derby. Some of the stuff you said is EXACTLY WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD. LOL...especially the part about being home taking care of everything while they have all this free time to play, LOL. My hubs would laugh because I told him the exact same thing. I have all the responsibility and he has all the rewards (right now). Working on changing that though...

I'm going to have hubs read through it, too. I think seeing how someone else was experiencing similar issues and how they handled it would be helpful to him.

Thank you for this...

Derbylicious 06-10-2011 05:01 PM

You're welcome. I'm glad it's of use to you. :)


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