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-   -   Husband crossed boundary and now I'm hurt and don't know what to do (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10781)

Overthinker 06-09-2011 08:45 PM

Husband crossed boundary and now I'm hurt and don't know what to do
Hi, just like a lot of others here, I have been lurking for a while but have never posted. But of course I have a dilema and would like some other opinions on it. Let's begin with some background. My husband and I have been in a quad relationship for about 7 months now with another married couple that we have been friends with for almost 2 years. Things of course have had their ups and downs and we are just trying to live this day by day.

My issue today is that I found out that my husband broke a boundary that we had and I feel very hurt by it. We had agreed specifically that neither one of us would send any sexual pics to our OSO's unless we had sent them already to each other (spouses first) and at least asked or notified each other when we do send something like that to our OSO's. Well I found out today that he sent a very explicit video to his gf yesterday and never sent it to me. And to top things off it was a type of video that he hasn't sent to me EVER, even though I have asked him to in the past and recently. I sent him a general text today asking if we still had the boundary about the pics and he called me shortly later. I asked him about the boundary and he told me that he would just like to know if I send my bf a sexual pic but he didn't care about it. I asked him if he would keep his part of the bargain and he said of course and that he had just been too busy lately to send me anything when I commented I haven't gotten anything fun from him in a while. So I feel that I gave him a way to admit that he sent her that video but he didn't.

I on the other hand found out that this happened from doing little snooping I did which I know I shouldn't be doing. I should just trust that what ever their relationship is and that it is theirs. He would flip out if he knew how I found out and I haven't told him that I know about it. I also discovered that before he called me about it he called his gf right before that, for whatever reason, but it was probably to tell her what I texted and asking her what to do about it.

My husband and I have been doing a lot of talking about eliminating some boundaries and letting things just evolve on their own. Little things like we don't have to ask permission to go to lunch with our OSO's and don't necessarily have to mention if we have a drink with them after work or if they stop by the house for a few while the other spouse isn't home. So I don't know if I am just being petty about this or not. I just feel hurt that he didn't fess up and that he didn't send it to me and he sent it to her when he has never done anything like that before. I want to trust him and not be snooping around but finding things like this don't help out at all.

Any ideas or advice would help out a lot. Thanks :)

sage 06-09-2011 09:38 PM

Hi Overthinker

I'm an overthinker too :)

It's getting messy isn't it? Any relationship is only as good as the honesty that holds it up, and that's even more true of Polyamorous relationships. How can you release boundaries if you're both lying to each other?

If you want this relationship to work moving forward it will have to be squeaky clean. I don't believe there is anything wrong with checking up on partners from time to time. I use my partner's ipad for research and will sometimes scroll through his emails. I told him I do it and he was initially a bit surprised but if he has nothing to hide, he has nothing to hide.I have nothing to hide and it feels very liberating after a very dishonest marriage. If he asked me not to for any particular reason we would discuss it and if his reasons were valid I would respect his wishes. I have only arrived at this point however, because he has proved himself very, very trust worthy. Trust doesn't just happen it is earned, especially after previous dishonesty.

These things that come up are opportunities for your relationship to grow, but they are more than that they are the things that will make or break your relationship in the end.

Overthinker 06-09-2011 09:52 PM

Thanks Sage. I really wish that I don't have the urge to check in on him but I do. When he has found out about it in the past he has became very very angry. Although I want to bring this up with him and let him know how much I do know I really don't want to rock the boat. There have been some stressful things about our situation and I think if he found out that I had been snooping I think he would just throw in the towel and say he is just done with the relationships; which is something I don't want to have happen. When it comes down to it, if he would have only sent it to me too then I wouldn't be feeling this way at all. But now it makes me think that they are being sneaky and makes me what other boundaries or things they are doing or have done behind my back.

sage 06-09-2011 10:15 PM

It sounds like you are in a quad relationship to try and make an otherwise struggling relationship work. Good luck with that.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but my heart goes out to you and I can't even suggest where to start. Can you see that this issue is like the tip of an iceberg?

AutumnalTone 06-09-2011 10:21 PM

I'd suggest worrying more about your snooping and the issues driving it. And then figure out how to apologize to him.

Then you can worry about him sending videos to his OSO.

Were my wife to go snooping in my email/phone/whatever, that's when I know it would be time to leave.

sage 06-09-2011 10:31 PM

lol AT's response just shows how different relationships are and how they are reflections of the people in them. I wouldn't want to be with someone who needed to keep secrets and had parts of his life closed off to me. I would of course respect specific sensitive issues but generally for me, having parts of his life where I was excluded would be like living in a house that had locked rooms.

Different strokes for different folks I guess. :)

Mohegan 06-09-2011 10:56 PM

I never snooped, until I realised Karma was hiding things. I have never had an issue with prviacy. He's my husband and I hide nothing from him. He knows all my passwords and knows he can look whenever. My big redflag was when his passwords changed and he had issues with giving me the new ones. To me, that means there was something to hide. Which there was.

Now that everything is in the open I have all his passwords again. He still has privacy triggers from how he was raised, so we agreed I can look whenever I want, I just ask first.

I think you and your hubby need to have a serious talk about the boundries and why they were set. Let him know what you found and why it upset you.

Most likely he doesn't see the boundry as an issue so instead of causing drama, he went ahead and did it and didn't say anything to you.

I don't think what he did was right, but you two need to figure out what to do about it and why it was done.

Erosa 06-09-2011 11:21 PM

Wow, this is a tough situation overall.

I think that first thing that really stands out to me in your post is that you didn't state why you went snooping in the first place. What triggered that?

It sounds like there are already underlying trust issues on your part, which means there are likely similar issues on his side. (which is probably why he didn't tell you about the video or admit to having sent it in the first place).

May I ask how your relationship was doing prior to starting a quad?

In no way do i mean to sound judgmental, but I do know that many people turn to poly relationships when their own mono relationship is falling apart or seriously damaged in some area.

Poly is not a bandaid. If anything, it is a higher stress environment. So if your relationship with your hubby wasn't already strong and stable when you entered in to the quad, then what's happening is likely just a reemerging of pre-existing issues.

Even if that isn't the case however, I think it might be time for you and your husband to take a "just us" month or two and make sure you have worked out every aspect of your own relationship. The danger in not doing that is that if this situation isn't delt with in honest, open, heartfelt communication, then i may get worse. And if it does that, it will almost certainly drag the other half of your quad in to the tangle and that is not fair to them, nor healthy for the whole relationship.

Best of luck *hugs*

nycindie 06-09-2011 11:35 PM

All issues about trust and snooping aside, just wanted to add my initial reaction to emailing sexually explicit pics and videos. I don't think this is ever a good idea. No matter what the relationship, you never know if someone somewhere who shouldn't have access somehow finds a way, and then that shit winds up all over the internet. Just sayin'. Be very careful of what you send to anyone!

NeonKaos 06-09-2011 11:57 PM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 85504)
All issues about trust and snooping aside, just wanted to add my initial reaction to emailing sexually explicit pics and videos. I don't think this is ever a good idea. No matter what the relationship, you never know if someone somewhere who shouldn't have access somehow finds a way, and then that shit winds up all over the internet. Just sayin'. Be very careful of what you send to anyone!

I agree; although I have sent some of those through email and cell-phone myself, I am aware of the possible repercussions. However I must say, I have very little to lose if the internet sees me naked!

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