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-   -   My therapist says I'm a lesbian (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10703)

glassboheme 06-07-2011 05:36 PM

My therapist says I'm a lesbian
 
I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half, and for the most part it's pretty great. Except, I'm bi, and desperately want something with a girl. I've never really been with a girl before, and I've wondered if that has fueled my interest.

I've been talking to this very interesting, very beautiful lesbian on and off for a few months. Sunday, her and I were suppose to go out on a date, and she completely bailed on me. I called, texted, and msged her on facebook, and she never responded. I just hate being in such a good relationship, but feel like I was just broken up with. And I can't talk to my BF. I feel like it's wrong to talk to him about the pain another 'relationship' has caused.

Even though I'm honest, I feel so selfish for looking outside our relationship, and even more so if I start talking about it. My boyfriend is very understanding, and wants me to follow my heart, but I can also tell that he gets a little jealous.

I tried talking to my therapist, and he says that if these feelings are so strong, maybe I'm a lesbian. This idea terrifies me- what if I am? What happens to the wonderful hetero relationship I'm in??? If I was single it wouldn't be as big of a deal.

This is starting to tear me up inside. I've come to almost hate my sexuality for this reason. Why can't I just have something 'normal'? A hetero, monogamous relationship.

Please help!

vixtresses 06-07-2011 06:33 PM

(Newbie speaking, take with grains of salt).

I don't understand your therapist's perspective on this, to be honest. Why would the depth and intensity of your feelings for a person have anything to do with your sexual orientation? :confused: You describe your current hetero relationship as "wonderful". That (to me) indicates that whatever your orientation is, it does not preclude heterosexual relationships, which means you're not strictly lesbian, you're bisexual or you fall somewhere on that spectrum, depending on how you look at it/which terms you prefer.

I'm sorry things aren't going well with your new female interest, though. I would venture a guess (solely based on my own experiences, I'm probably inappropriately generalizing here) and say that yes, the fact that you have never been with a girl before is probably fueling your interest. I had an interest in a very fascinating lesbian girl once, years ago, and I thought she was interested in me, too. She wound up flaking out on me, too, and I guess she wasn't interested in anything remotely serious. I had the same feelings of being broken up with, but being in a good relationship at the same time, and my boyfriend (now fiance) didn't really know how to respond. That situation was part of a messy series of situations that corresponded with a long period of breaking up and getting back together, which I am now thinking might have been avoidable if we were better at communicating and had heard about polyamory. We did end up pulling through it, though, and I think those difficult situations helped us to develop the better communication skills we have now.

I guess that wasn't really all that helpful in the practical sense, but I just wanted to at least throw out some "I hear you!" and "I can relate!" vibes.

BlackUnicorn 06-07-2011 06:34 PM

Hello and welcome!

Hmm, I'm a bit lost. Does your boyfriend know that you were going on a date? If not, first order of business is letting him know. Or do you have a DADT policy where you don't ask about his dates and he doesn't ask about yours?

What is the background your therapist comes from? How is he with consensual non-monogamy? If you are a self-identified bisexual and desire a same-sex relationship, that just makes you a BISEXUAL, not a lesbian.

Most people experience minor fluctuations of sexual orientation during their life course. Since you have no experience of a relationship with a woman, it's totally understandable that you are curious. Also, once you actually experience what it's like to date another woman, you might feel less interest in men in general, or realize that your feelings for women were more bi-curiosity, and once satisfied, don't re-occur as strongly. Or it might be that you are your happiest, strongest and most fulfilled with BOTH a man AND a woman in your life.

Do you still experience physical desire towards your boyfriend?

redpepper 06-07-2011 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glassboheme (Post 85146)
And I can't talk to my BF. I feel like it's wrong to talk to him about the pain another 'relationship' has caused.

.....

My boyfriend is very understanding, and wants me to follow my heart, but I can also tell that he gets a little jealous.

Guilty is not useful, you are what you are and you have every right to feel love for others outside of your relationship. Your partner loves you and SHOULD be the one you talk to. He is the one that you should be able to rely on for a shoulder to cry on for all your woes in life no? If your gandma died you would, if your freind dumped you you would.... why wouldn't you for this? That is what builds strong healthy relationships. His jealousy will likely wain if you show him how much you need his support by having a good cry over this with him. Tell him you need his support and love and that will likely never change if he gives it to you and he will likely feel like the big man in your life that he wants to feel like. A huge gift to any partner struggling to be okay with a partner exploring their sexuality.

Quote:

Originally Posted by glassboheme (Post 85146)
I tried talking to my therapist, and he says that if these feelings are so strong, maybe I'm a lesbian. This idea terrifies me- what if I am? What happens to the wonderful hetero relationship I'm in??? If I was single it wouldn't be as big of a deal.

This is starting to tear me up inside. I've come to almost hate my sexuality for this reason. Why can't I just have something 'normal'? A hetero, monogamous relationship.

Please help!

Ya, well, you are normal. At least in my world you would be.

Sorry, but likely your therapist is full of shit and you need a new one that knows a bit more about diverse relationship dynamics and sexuality. Yours is naive and ill educated. No therapist should be telling you you are anything. Good therapists allow you to tell them what you think you are... it sounds like they want an easy job of it and is putting that on you. So sorry they aren't able to look outside their comfort level. Finding another therapist that knows of what you speak might indicate one way of the other what is going on for you.

Lastly, chicky who left you high and dry? Not worth your time. Some people on dating sites and the like, just like to know they are desired and then when it comes down to it they got what they want and bail... she might also of been cheating. It seems to be a common way for lesbians to deal with the end of a relationship to cheat and find another... serial monogamy is the name of the game for a lot of lesbians... or it could be the fact that you have cock in your life was too much for her. Regardless, the message is loud and clear, you are not what she wants for herself... so, move on and chalk it up to experience.... she wasn't worth the effort, but someone will be. :)

TL4everu2 06-08-2011 02:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 85177)

sorry, but likely your therapist is full of shit and you need a new one that knows a bit more about diverse relationship dynamics and sexuality. Yours is naive and ill educated. No therapist should be telling you you are anything. Good therapists allow you to tell them what you think you are... It sounds like they want an easy job of it and is putting that on you. So sorry they aren't able to look outside their comfort level. Finding another therapist that knows of what you speak might indicate one way of the other what is going on for you.

this for sure!

glassboheme 06-08-2011 02:37 PM

Thank you everybody, so much! Just being on here, among people who understand where I'm coming from helps. For the first time ever I feel normal when it comes to this. Thank you so much <3

TL4everu2 06-08-2011 04:19 PM

please define "normal". LOL "Normal" is what YOU make it. To hell with labels. Be who YOU want to be. Don't try to conform to societal standards. ;)

Magdlyn 06-08-2011 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 85177)

Sorry, but likely your therapist is full of shit and you need a new one that knows a bit more about diverse relationship dynamics and sexuality. Yours is naive and ill educated. No therapist should be telling you you are anything. Good therapists allow you to tell them what you think you are... it sounds like they want an easy job of it and is putting that on you. So sorry they aren't able to look outside their comfort level. Finding another therapist that knows of what you speak might indicate one way of the other what is going on for you.


I third this. Haven't they read Kinsey? Most people fall on the bisexual spectrum, with a few completely gay or straight. Sheesh. Of course, a lot of people repress their queer feelings and are homophobic towards themselves. Please find a therapist with a clue!

My sympathies on the girl flaking on you. Join the club. I've been getting that a LOT lately.

ImaginaryIllusion 06-09-2011 01:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glassboheme (Post 85146)

I tried talking to my therapist, and he says that if these feelings are so strong, maybe I'm a lesbian. This idea terrifies me- what if I am?

Playing "What If?" Here's one....What if your therapist is a dope!

Oh wait....looks like I'm late to the party!
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 85177)
Sorry, but likely your therapist is full of shit and you need a new one that knows a bit more about diverse relationship dynamics and sexuality. Yours is naive and ill educated. No therapist should be telling you you are anything.


lilac 06-09-2011 01:46 AM

I know how you feel about talking to your boyfriend about it. I was recently talking to a girl and she out of no where tells me she can't talk to me anymore. It really hurt me but I have a great husband who is there for me and didn't get jealous. I hope things get better for you.


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