Boyfriend interested in polyamory...help?
okay. incredibly new to this and could really use some advice.
my boyfriend of only a year and a half has recently told me he has always been interested in polyamory. i've come from a long line of abusive and dishonest relationships and i've become an incredibly standoffish and jealous person because of it (i'm also a scorpio, which doesn't help). we've had our fair share of problems throughout our relationship, mostly due to past baggage carried by both of us and also i feel he has a bit of confusion about love/relationships/sex because of his past that he isn't ready to address (he has told me to be patient with him when this subject comes up). i've always been interested in how polyamory, polygamy, and polyandry work and am incredibly fascinated by it, but i'm not sure i could keep my jealousy at bay if i were ever involved in such relationships. honestly, i think the only way i would be okay with it is if i were completely in control and called the shots (i.e. i would have to like and agree on the additional partner he chooses and would always be primary and have to feel treated so).
my mono girl friends i have talked to about this all say that this is "fucked up" and "not normal" and that i should get out of the relationship, but i've always tried to keep an open mind and not judge and i'm not sure i should give up on a great friendship and relationship just because my boyfriend is interested in sharing his body, heart, and soul with another. at this point though, i'm just not sure if i would ever be cool with it.
my boyfriend has made it clear to me that it's not just about sex, but fulfilling the needs of more than one person. we do disagree on sex though. i see sex as having a deep emotional connection and he sees sex as only satisfying primal needs. i think this is why i have a hard time accepting his interest in polyamory. he has also said that he might not ever take another partner, but if i did in order to fulfill my sexual and emotional needs that he might not be able to, he would be happy to see me happy even if it wasn't him who was completely responsible. when i asked, "what if i fell in love with my second and we decided we wanted to be monogamous," he got really upset, started to cry, and asked, "well, would you be happy?" my response was, "i don't know.... it might be a stupid, passionate decision."
this whole subject brings on mass confusion and i was hoping i might get a bit of insight from practicing poly's and mono partners. how do you deal with jealousy? i have had issues for a while with self confidence and because of my past relationships i have issues with really feeling loved. is this something that could break me and us or is this something that can work as a fully functional unit? and what about marriage and kids? i'm not sure if that's what i want, but i like to keep the possibility there.
i want to feel important to someone. that someone being my number one who is important to me. i don't want jealousy and confusion in my life and relationships. if polyamory could work like a polygamous family unit i think i would be cool with it. i like the idea of having a lasting friendship with my partner and his second partner and him with mine if it were ever to happen, but i'm scared of ruining i have. any help and advice would be greatly appreciated. :)
To be honest i'm in two minds.
One half of me is saying ditch him, if he isn't going to at least work on his problems it might be a bad road.
second half is saying some battles are worth the tears. Rewind my life a few years when three of my ex's left me for the blonde, big tits, good job, skinny bitches add in some nasty shit that went down and I was pretty fucked up to put it politley. Today my gf should be a supermodel and hubby is not too shabby lol, me i'm still the "brick shithouse" but these days I don't give a damn cos I got two people who love me fat rolls & psycho tantrums. < yes I'm 27 and still can throw a tantrum to out do any spoilt 2 year old :) >
yes I still get jeasous but its not as bad as it was when we all started, I relize thats how I feel I'm allowed to feel it but it is unfounded and silly.
um hope that helps...
I'm a Scorpio too and for the sake of simplicity I'll say I am mono with a poly partner. That is how we started out anyway. While it is still true in practice I feel that I have outgrown that description. I prefer now to say that we have an open relationship and my partner has another love in his life.
A year ago I started a blog www.polyamorouspeople.com, partly to work through issues myself, but also because everything you have said in your post gets repeated a lot; you are not alone and it is a very big topic. Everything you need should be there, particularly in the early posts.
Just a couple of things though:
1. Don't talk to mono friends about your situation. All they usually do is project their own fears onto your situation and it is totally unhelpful.
2. Jealousy isn't the big deal that you think it's going to be. It usually shows up on top of something else. You fix the 'something else' and the jealously dissolves. For example if your partner is not spending quality time with you but is spending quality time with an OSO, you feel jealous because you aren't
getting your fair share of his attention.
Done badly polyamory can be awful, done well it can be wonderful, but it's a process and it takes time, honesty, love, courage and most importantly a willingness to grow past your comfort zones.
Poly relationships can be very rewarding even for those who are mono but it is really important to look at the big picture before committing to anything. Ask yourself what you want out of "a" relationship...can you achieve it in this one?
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