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-   -   Triad Equality (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1066)

violet 10-28-2009 09:52 PM

Triad Equality
 
I made the decision to cut the first post - and request that if the mods want, to delete this thread. I'd seen plenty of rants on here, and that's all this was. A vent of frustration. Things have been worked out, and this thread really isn't relevant unless we want it around for the sake of someone else having a similar situation.

Thanks to everyone for your input, whether it was applied or not!

Sunshinegrl 10-28-2009 10:01 PM

I dont think you would have to remove your wedding ring. That Commitment you made ( or will make) Is still a commitment you made to him. I still wear my wedding rings. I HAVE made that Commitment to my Husband AND my children when we got married.

I think equality is what works for all of you. Or what works best generally. It isnt as easy as Half this or half that. Or If she gets this you get this.
I dont have time to finish this..Gotta get my kiddos to school.. But I will come back!

Ceoli 10-28-2009 10:02 PM

For starters, try replacing the word "equal" with "fair" or the phrase "equal opportunity to have their needs met in the relationship" and then go through those things again with the new phrase. Equal doesn't have to mean "same".

If you don't want kids, but Anne does want kids, what's the issue? If they like to kiss at a red light and you like to hold hands, what is the conflict? Is equality about keeping score or about making sure everyone has the same level of security with where they are in the relationship?

Sunshinegrl 10-28-2009 10:11 PM

Sorry to Me.. fair and Equal Are two different things.

Ceoli 10-28-2009 10:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl (Post 10401)
Sorry to Me.. fair and Equal Are two different things.

Well, that's kind of my point. Perhaps fairness is what they should be striving for and not equality.

violet 10-28-2009 10:19 PM

I think my point with over-emphasizing the "equality" got missed a little. The kids thing was just a way of illustrating how freaking retarded this has gotten. FAIRNESS is more what I'm going for.

But that still begs the question - no matter how I feel, is it FAIR for me to be married to HMA, and Anne to not be? But, is it fair that I should have to go against a core value, and remove my wedding ring so that everyone feels as though they're being treated fairly?

It goes with any question.

...and I'm with Sunshine Girl. Fair and equal are different.

Sunshinegrl 10-28-2009 10:23 PM

Perhaps a Balance is what you striving for. Things should be balanced. That all involed should have balance. I don't think that Things like taking off wedding rings.. A rg is a sign of commitment. Sure its fair for you to be married... You and HMA made the Choice to make that Commitment. Should you decide to make a simmilar/equivelant commitment to Anne in the future then Perhaps you can wear another ring or item to signify that? Seems fair to me.

violet 10-28-2009 10:29 PM

I think the same thing, basically. I just needed to rant, I guess. lol Interested to see what other members may have to say, if they care to comment.

Ceoli 10-28-2009 10:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunshinegrl (Post 10404)
Perhaps a Balance is what you striving for. Things should be balanced. That all envoled should have balance. I dont think that Things like taking off wedding rings.. A rg is a sign of commitment. Sure its fair for you to be married... You and HMA made the Choice to make that Commitment. Should you decide to make a simmilar/equivelant commitment to Anne in the future then Perhaps you can wear another ring or item to signify that? Seems fair to me.

The trouble is that with that kind of commitment, it also comes with a lot of privilege and legal rights that would not be afforded to the person who isn't in the marriage. I'm not saying this is Violet's specific situation, but if a third is joining a married couple in a lifetime commitment, is it fair for that person to have to give up their ability to have spousal benefits? Or to have the legal protections of marriage where kids are concerned?

I'm not saying there right and wrong answers to this, but there are certainly things to be considered.

violet 10-28-2009 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 10406)
The trouble is that with that kind of commitment, it also comes with a lot of privilege and legal rights that would not be afforded to the person who isn't in the marriage. I'm not saying this is Violet's specific situation, but if a third is joining a married couple in a lifetime commitment, is it fair for that person to have to give up their ability to have spousal benefits? Or to have the legal protections of marriage where kids are concerned?

I'm not saying there right and wrong answers to this, but there are certainly things to be considered.

And see, let's take Anne for example. She wants kids, I don't. Why should I have the support of the legal system when I don't want kids and she does? To be fair, she should get that support. But, to be fair to ME - I was here first, and he asked me to marry him first. I can consider her feelings, and consider what she needs - but it's still just a matter of MEH. Does that make any sense? :confused:


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