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-   -   Ethics in Poly/Mono dating. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10657)

Gecko 06-06-2011 04:01 PM

Ethics in Poly/Mono dating.
 
Hello :)

There seems to be a fair amount of previously mono people here that are/were married and fell for someone outside their marriage.

My question is for the people who fell for the mono married people....especially if you were single, or already an experienced poly.

The causes and flaws of monogamy seem to be used often when people describe how they ended up in a poly relationship and I can see how a married person would identify with these things when falling for an outsider.
But what if you are poly and meet someone who is mono married. Do your personal beliefs about relationships lessen your perceived impact on pursuing your way into their lives?

I know everyone tries to be honest and communicate, but by doing that it must be a fine line between letting them know about poly and your love for them and not coercing them with displays of love and philosophies of it all working out in a poly eat mono world?

If two people made vows to each other, thats there business and if you respect them you should leave them to it right, or not?

No judgement, just trying to open up some discussion on ethics...so also feel free to take the thread wherever its needs to go.

Gecko

Ariakas 06-06-2011 04:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gecko (Post 84867)
But what if you are poly and meet someone who is mono married. Do your personal beliefs about relationships lessen your perceived impact on pursuing your way into their lives?

Personally I wouldn't "chase" a mono person because of my poly beliefs. Regardless of how I felt.

That is like a preacher preaching.. or those damn people showing up at my door telling me their god is awesome. If someone tells me they are mono... they are married.. thats it. I don't even put it in the "consideration" tab.

Quote:

I know everyone tries to be honest and communicate, but by doing that it must be a fine line between letting them know about poly and your love for them and not coercing them with displays of love and philosophies of it all working out in a poly eat mono world?
Pursuing as described above.. and telling someone you are poly and love them is different. Explaining the situation, and leaving it at that is very different animal.

I have never been a fan of pursuing the unattainable. That to me just feels like a severe ego stroke.

nycindie 06-06-2011 05:38 PM

Your question isn't very clear.

I will say, it seems that most people who wind up with a married person, who was until that point living monogamously, either developed a friendship first, whether through work, close proximity, other friends, whatever -- and that is where deeper feelings for each other blossomed. OR the married person pursued them, flirted with them, let them know they were interested, plain and simple.

Lots of married people SAY they're mono and yet give off an available vibe. Lots of married people think that being monogamous gives them license to flirt and toy with others' affections because they feel that the other person should know they're not going to follow through.

However, I think it is far less common for a person who lives polyamorously to try convincing a married mono person they just met to change and be with them. If someone is used to being ethical in their poly relationships, they are unlikely to toss away their standards despite having an attraction to a married mono person.

MonoVCPHG 06-06-2011 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 84896)
Lots of married people think that being monogamous gives them license to flirt and toy with others' affections because they feel that the other person should know they're not going to follow through.

This is a great point and one I find personally true! I must admit, being mono and very open about it withon our community, does sort of give me a sense that I can get away with being overly playful. I do naturally assume that anyone I meet fully knows I am not available as well...something to think about. In my old social circle pretty much everyone was mono and the parties we had contained much more sexual inuendo and "flirting" because everyone knew there was no intent to follow through. Definitely something to further investigate within myself.

Sorry for the wandering comment :o

Gecko 06-06-2011 10:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 84963)
In my old social circle pretty much everyone was mono and the parties we had contained much more sexual inuendo and "flirting" because everyone knew there was no intent to follow through. Definitely something to further investigate within myself.

Thats quite interesting, I find this in my world as well, especially from girls who are also spoken for....haha, I just assumed it was me! guess the fact that im not available makes it seem safer to flirt, playing with fire really though.
I hadn't thought about how it would be different if your largely associated with poly people...I can't imagine the "harmless flirting" completely disappears though.

NYcindie, Sorry If my post was unclear...It was after 3am here and my brain is full of crap from exam study! Plus, I'm new to subject. Not to mention my relationship communication skills are still lurking around the time the caveman first pondered his reflection.

I think your probably right about polys being accustomed to living in line with their ethical values. Because when your poly, being honest with yourself and others about your feelings is not contradictory to the relationship style your in.
Do you think that if married people are pursuing and/or giving off the vibe that they want more, that they are generally looking for an affair, but poly shows them another option?


Lastly to be clear, this topic does not at all relate to my personal situation, the thought came to me on another thread but i didnt want to hijack it.

LovingRadiance 06-07-2011 03:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gecko (Post 84867)
But what if you are poly and meet someone who is mono married. Do your personal beliefs about relationships lessen your perceived impact on pursuing your way into their lives?

I'd walk away from that like it was a hot potatoe. I hate to say "never" because there's forever a "except" someone can come up with. But, as a rule of thumb, I wouldn't consider a mono person in a relationship as someone to even pay attention to with romantic thoughts, much less pursue. It's hard enough for a mono whose already in love with someone whose poly from the outset, but to screw up a relationship to date someone whose mono? That just strikes me as creating unnecessary drama...

LovingRadiance 06-07-2011 03:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 84963)
This is a great point and one I find personally true! I must admit, being mono and very open about it withon our community, does sort of give me a sense that I can get away with being overly playful. I do naturally assume that anyone I meet fully knows I am not available as well...something to think about. In my old social circle pretty much everyone was mono and the parties we had contained much more sexual inuendo and "flirting" because everyone knew there was no intent to follow through. Definitely something to further investigate within myself.

Sorry for the wandering comment :o

LMAO, I hadn't considered this in terms of THIS thread. BUT, I was just talking about YOU the other day and the fact that I felt safe flirting playfully withyou because I KNEW that you were mono and committed to RP so I didn't have to worry about you "getting the wrong idea" and thinking that there was something behind the flirting.

SO-yeah, I imagine that is likely a bigger issue.
Admittedly, I do not flirt that way with people I know who are mono in mono relationships with other mono people. Pretty much I limit my playful flirting to... well you and Ariakas. :rolleyes:

MonoVCPHG 06-07-2011 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 85028)
well you and Ariakas. :rolleyes:

Two very lucky guys ;)

TruckerPete 06-07-2011 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 84963)
In my old social circle pretty much everyone was mono and the parties we had contained much more sexual inuendo and "flirting" because everyone knew there was no intent to follow through.

In the last few years, I came to the conclusion that it took me so long to figure out I was bisexual because my female friends in high school and I used to flirt outrageously. It wasn't until some time later that I realized I was the only one who would've followed through on those flirts. :o

WhatHappened 05-11-2012 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 84896)

However, I think it is far less common for a person who lives polyamorously to try convincing a married mono person they just met to change and be with them. If someone is used to being ethical in their poly relationships, they are unlikely to toss away their standards despite having an attraction to a married mono person.

I'm here as a result of a long-time friend recently letting me know, after I was divorced, that he has an open marriage and would like to date me. He worries frequently that I'll be shocked or turned off by the very different life he's led, but I have a great deal of respect for him in realizing that he has felt this way a long time, but never given any indication, never flirted with me in all these years we worked together, not even during the many months he knew the divorce was in progress. He even waited until a few months after it was final.


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