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-   -   on trying again (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10649)

AnnabelMore 06-06-2011 06:49 AM

on trying again
 
More than once I've seen friends date someone, break up with that person, then try dating them again. It never seems to go any better the second time than it did the first time, and I always advise them against it.

Now I'm considering doing the same thing... I left my ex in 2007 but he's remained an important person in my life and now I'm actually considering re-starting a serious relationship with him.

Am I crazy? Has anyone here *ever* seen this sort of scenario work out well?

Sorry that this isn't specifically a poly question... the context of my story is all about poly, and you can read more on my blog in the Life Stories section if you're interested. I'm just in desperate need of some perspective!

nycindie 06-06-2011 12:53 PM

More than a few people I know have successfully rekindled past relationships. I think it can work, as long as you both remember that it's a new relationship. It is not picking up where you left off before. You are both different people who have grown and changed, no matter what amount of time has elapsed since you were last together. So, as long as you approach it that way, it is possible to have something great. It might be good to get together and talk about current expectations and fears, as well as all the changes, new passions and interests, and new things that have been going on in your lives before embarking on a relationship again.

The key is to be present in each moment and let go of those old ideas and assumptions you have about each other. It's fine to reminisce about the good times, and you may naturally experience some caution if something comes up that reminds you of old former unpleasantness, but if you can kind of wash out those old eyeballs and see the relationship with brand shiny new ones, it can work.

The hardest thing might be to not fall into old familiar patterns of relating. We take our patterns wherever we go, naturally, but awareness is key in seeing how those grooves we always find ourselves in become intertwined with the other person's patterns and if that was a major reason why the old relationship ended, then it's important to watch out for that and make sure that you are responding to what's in front of you know and not a habitual behavior.

Actually, that's something to watch out for in any relationship, not just a do-over. Good luck!

GroundedSpirit 06-06-2011 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnnabelMore (Post 84805)
More than once I've seen friends date someone, break up with that person, then try dating them again. It never seems to go any better the second time than it did the first time, and I always advise them against it.

Am I crazy? Has anyone here *ever* seen this sort of scenario work out well?

Hi Annabel,

Define "well" ?????
One common definition of a 'failed' relationship is that it didn't meet our specifications. So there's two possible break points here.

1> The relationship/partner
2> The 'specification'

Change either the results can change :)

You get what I'm saying ???

GS

Ariakas 06-06-2011 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 84860)
Hi Annabel,

Define "well" ?????
One common definition of a 'failed' relationship is that it didn't meet our specifications. So there's two possible break points here.

1> The relationship/partner
2> The 'specification'

Change either the results can change :)

You get what I'm saying ???

GS

Ditto...:D

Derbylicious 06-06-2011 04:25 PM

It depends on why you broke up in the first place. If the things that drove you apart haven't changed then the relationship isn't likely to be successful the second time around. If the circumstances have changed though why not give it another shot?

Minxxa 06-06-2011 04:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 84824)
Actually, that's something to watch out for in any relationship, not just a do-over. Good luck!

I love this. And it's true... every relationship goes through rough patches. Hubs and I have made some HUGE changes in the past 4 months-- basically we finally are getting are acts together, working on our individual stuff, making changes in how we relate and communicate... it's very much like being in a BRAND new relationship with a new person that's vaguely familiar.

There have been a couple of bumps where something comes up that was a big reminder of shite from the past-- and I think you are absolutely right in that in that case we just need to recognize it, realize the relationship is not the same as it was then, possibly communicate about it if needed (as in, this is something I noticed, which is why I had a reaction...), and move on.

Hubs and I talked about it and I just told him it might take a little bit of time for me to not react to situations in the same way, since some of the situations are SUPER reminiscent of other times in our lives. I just need to remind myself that it's not the same, but also need the reinforcement of things NOT being the same. In time, I'm sure it will pass...

AnnabelMore 06-08-2011 03:17 AM

Thanks for the thoughts, guys, there's some really good food for thought in here. :)

stargazer23 06-08-2011 03:37 AM

I think it's definitely doable as long as there's a trend of respect and honesty there and NOT a trend of co-dependence, ugly fights or damaging behavior.

You have to understand that while you may indeed be starting a NEW relationship, you also have a preconceived image of the person in your head and how you fit with them. You're gonna return to at least some old habits. This can be a very very good thing. Habits like instinctively respecting each others' quirks, steering clear of certain topics, touching them in that spot they love to be touched in are like riding a bicycle and give you a head start on achieving healthy intimacy.

There are some damned good reasons I can think of why it wouldn't work then but would work later on...like a change in motives, goals, needs. I mean, the very BASIS of this orientation is the understanding and acceptance that we as people change and need different/better suited/a variety of people to satisfy our needs throughout life. Renewed interest in someone with whom you have an established friendship based on trust can be like finding a $100 bill in an old jacket you haven't worn in years.

If, however, you tend to react to stimulus A by screaming and he tends to react to stimulus B by shutting down on purpose just to hurt you, I'd say skip it and enjoy the friendship. It's not worth the potential for pain and abuse.

just3 06-08-2011 11:08 PM

I will admit that if my ex came back I would prolly take him back..And it would be the 3rd time. And our last split was last week. I agree with others it does depend on why the relationship ended and the fact it would be a new one not a pick up where you left off. I would say a nice long talk would be in order to make sure everyone is on same page as to how it would work. Hugs and good luck!
Chris

Ariakas 06-08-2011 11:20 PM

I know I only said ditto. But I will put in my 2.21 cents.

With time, for anyone, comes the potential for growth and maturity. With both of you further along in life and possibly more experienced in relationships, that changes the dynamic of the relationship.

Life circumstances change, career, things in the personal life might be more in tune with maintaining a relationship. If you had a good "friendship" and continued on with a good friendship, then there may always be a chance.

There is so much involved in a relationship, I would always be willing to look at a relationship with someone again if there was true love there. It would never be off the table for me. I have always been good at looking to the future instead of the past.. I think thats a big key.

Well thats my optimistic view on it anyways. :)


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