Had A Newbie Meltdown this Weekend
I will try to keep this short, but I at least wanted to provide some background...
After numerous failed attempts at monogamous relationships, I decided to just take care of myself for a while and not date anyone. Along comes the most wonderful man I have ever met. He is attentive, sweet, kind, intelligent, and did I mention attractive? By far, this is the most amazing man I have ever been with. He was honest with me during our first phone conversation a few months ago and told me where he stood on open relationships. I didn't know much about it, so I decided to read up on it and give it a try. Since then, he has been honest with me about what he's been doing, and surprisingly, I have been accepting. He told me about one other woman that he is dating seriously and mentions her quite often. I was OK with that. I am even OK with him talking about her and showing me pictures, etc. He has even told me when they've been together sexually (without details) and I have been fine with that... but...
This weekend was a "game changer" for me. I don't live in the same state as he and the other woman, but he flies me in every couple of weeks and we always have a great time together. He most recently took me on an amazing vacation (which he admitted made the other woman uneasy).
Anyway, as I am preparing to get ready to visit him this weekend, he calls me the night before with the other woman on three way (no pun intended). First, I was hit blindside with this, but I was cordial and she does seem really nice. He then proceeds to tell us that he would like us to meet face to face. I think I was OK with that as well, but then he sends out a two day itenirary for the weekend complete with movie dates, dinners, etc. for ALL THREE OF US!! That made me uneasy, but I made the mistake of not saying anything about it. First, I didn't want to seem like a whiny brat and I am still afraid of abandonment. I felt like if I would have expressed discomfort with the situation that I would have been dismissed.
Sorry this is long, but I need help. So I get there Friday and they pick me up together. Even though I am not the most comfortable, I really try to get to know her and bond with her and have a good time. I'm not gonna even talk about how awkward it was to be prancing around the streets holding hands with him in the middle... yet I digress. I was really trying guys, but but the end of the day, I was ready for her to go home and give us some alone time. After all, she gets him all the time by being in the same state. She could have let me have some time with him for a weekend.
So after an ENTIRE day as a triad, he invites us back to his place and wants ot have a long, deep conversation about the "relationship" complete with questions. Remember, I just met this woman and don't really know her, so my answers were totally different than if it would have been me and the guy one-on-one.
Fast forward to bedtime...I'm sure you can quess what happened. Of course, he wanted us to have this amazing threesome. That didn't happen. In fact, both of us were uncomfortable.
Here comes the meltdown part. Again, I am SO new to this whole polyamory thing. I have admitted to him that I have always been bicurious and wanted to try sleeping with a woman. During our vacation, that became clear as we had an exhilarating experience with a woman we met and both liked. However, I was not comfortable sleeping with HER. She's totally beautiful, but I find it hard to be sexually attracted to someone he has feelings for.
So intially, he tried to start having sex with me and get her involved. She stopped and proceeded to tell us to continue. That was awkward for me and I thought she was uncomfortable with it, so I passed him off to her. Though it was less than favorable for me to be in the same bed with him having sex with someone he has feelings for, I really tried to go along with it because I knew that's what he wanted. So they... finished and he decides its my turn. I didn't even climax because I was SO uncomfortable. I tried my best, but it was totally different than it ever has been, and I'm sure he sensed it.
So after the "escapade" I could tell everyone was dozing off, so I went to the bathroom. I come back to him F---ing her again and REALLY enjoying it. I don't know if she got turned on watching us or if she was competing, but they both were obviously having a good time... It absolutely gutted me. To watch him having so much pleasure with someone else he cares about made me weak in the knees. At one point I thought I was going to throw up from the emotional impact of it.
So... to deal with it, I did what comes normal in tough emotional situations... I totally detached. I honestly had to put myself in a different headspace in order to cope because I was stuck. It was heart wrenching. So I FINALLY went to sleep on the far end of the bed with my back turned to them (they were snuggled up anyway. It was like I wasn't there) and fought back tears until the next morning.
The next morning he wanted us to go through our second day of itinerary, but I couldn't do it. When I was FINALLY able to get him alone for a moment, I asked him to get me a flight back early. I also admitted to him that the night before was more than I could take and that I didn't think I would be able to handle this whole polyamory thing. Of course I didn't get a chance to go into detail because the other woman came back around.
He begged me not to leave and apologized for putting me in the situation, but I couldn't be around it anymore. Before THEY dropped me off at the airport, he took me aside and asked me to think about things before I made any rash decisions to cut him out of my life. By then, the floodgates had opened and I was bawling my eyes out.
I don't know what to do. Even an entire day later, if I think about the sights and sounds of him F---ing her that second time, I get totally emotional. It's like that image is burned in my brain and it's killing me. I really do have feelings for this man, but don't know if I could even sleep with him again one on one without that image coming to haunt me. I asked him to give me a couple of days to process everything and we would talk later. Since then he has been reaching out to me via text telling me to relax and that he wants me in his life...
I am so confused. I'm not angry with him or her. I am just devastated by my reaction to the weekend. Am I not cut out for this? I don't want to lose him, and I am still OK with him dating the other woman... I just don't understand why I have to F--- her and hang out with her to make this work.
I know this is long, but I really need help!!! What should I do?
Oh poor babby. This isn't right.
What was he thinking?! Honestly, things like 'honey, I think it's about time we tried a threesome' should be talked about in advance and not just dropped on your lap in a hotel room in a place where you either have to get out and get a room for yourself or just go along with it regardless of your feelings. I do realize that you agreeing to go on a weekend-trip and getting rooms together to his mind amounted to consent, but he should have asked anyway.
The most important thing: you don't need to be involved with her to be involved with him. It is helpful if you know and like her, but even that is not an absolute necessity (especially not if you love drama :D). Triads are an ideal many aspire to in the world of poly but hard to come by in real life.
It seems that having met you, his fantasy life just got a hold over his real life sensibilities and he envisioned this full-blown three-way honeymoon that took both you and his OSO by complete surprise. Being bi-curious or even bisexual doesn't make you automatically interested in any member of any sex, as I am sure you know (he might not, though). Many bi-curious women aren't really interested in having sex with another woman in real life, much less having a full-blown relationship with one. So telling him that you are interested in maybe exploring this side of yourself doesn't make it okay for him to start living out his own fantasies without prior negotiation with the two of you.
Put some distance between him and you. And when you feel ready (i.e. when the mental image isn't an acute source of emotional agony any more), sit down with him and make some boundaries, if you still feel like you can and you should.
I would note a couple of things.
1 - not everyone is cut out for group stuff. Its not natural for everyone, with everyone. In some cases the person with the supposed reigns needs to give up the control. His.. attempt at scheduling a threesome would be annoying at best. Especially sinces its all so new. How many people planning and itemized the losing of their virginity. Not too many. There has to be a natural flow and connection. .. FOR EVERYONE...
2 - poly isn't about threesomes. It could be.. it can be.. and it is fun.. but you don't have to do threesomes to be poly.
Your meltdown, the way you describe it, seems warranted. His itinerary is a very naive view on sex. Shockingly immature.
I have to admit I am kind of chuckling. If I had ever tried that, in any of the situations I have been in, they never would have happened... AND.. I likely would have ended up slapped. :)
I have to admit I am kind of chuckling. If I had ever tried that, in any of the situations I have been in, they never would have happened... AND.. I likely would have ended up slapped. :)[/QUOTE]
;) That's what my best friend said! He was like "If this would have been ten years ago, I would be looking for bail money!!!"
I am so glad age has calmed my fiery temper!!!
I do think a conversation is in order, and I have decided that I probably do want to try to work things out. Outside of this weekend's incident, this has been the most drama free realtionship I've ever been in. I think his persistence is a sign that he does at least care. He could have just dropped me off at the airport and said "to hell with it", but I do get a sense that he is genuinely apologetic and wants to work things out...
So, when does he ever think of you as a person and *ask* you if you'd like to try something? His hamhanded scheduling of events for you suggest he thinks of you as an accessory to his life, a toy or pet of some sort, instead of a person with the authority to make choices for yourself based on your thoughts and feelings. What an insensitive clod!
This may be a teachable moment for him. I don't see anything useful coming of it until you've had time to process and recover. I'll suggest simply telling him to back off and wait for you to contact him to discuss it. Once you're ready, then you can explain all the ways in which what he did was wrong.
Wow honey! This is unbeivable. He should consider himself lucky that all you did was cry. (I would have beat him up-side the head)
Reading this kind of post makes me angry for two reasons. First, his whole attitude about sex seems very misogynistic. Why does he automatically assume that two women who love him are ready to a) love each other or b) do anything to please him, up to and including having a three way they didn't agree to.
The other reason is that it really sounds like this man has a very poor understanding of poly. Poly is about love. And How can he possibly expect you to fall head over heels in love with his OSO in less than 24 hrs?
This also makes me mad. It would have been a deal-breaker for me. I'm not a toy to be used at someone's whim. And neither are you. Fuck him, the fucking asshole!
I agree with all of the above.
You didn't overreact at all... you reacted to being put in a ridiculous situation.
I would definitely tell him you need a day or two to process WITHOUT contact. Set a time, if you need to, when you will call him to discuss it. Frankly, if he can't respect those wishes, there are deeper issues of control (his) lurking.
The fact that he didn't ask you about any of this is a big worry, and I would discuss this with him. Also, the fact that just because your bicurious, or even if you're bisexual (I am), does not mean you want to have sex with every woman, and definitely doesn't mean you want to have sex with someone you JUST MET.
I'm thinking perhaps there was some concern and wierdness on her part, and in order to make things "one big family" he thought that if the two of you met and hit it off it might resolve those feelings. Misguided, definitely.
My advice would definitely be to take a couple of days, then talk with him about all of your concerns. Write them down, discuss each of them and see what he says. Then you can decide how you'd like to progress.
But definitely don't beat yourself up AT ALL about your reaction. :)
Wow- seriously- polyamory does not work without a LOT of open communication, and it was unfair for him to attempt to spring a surprise threesome without talking to you about it in advance and without letting you have a chance to get to know his other s.o. first. He obviously had this as his agenda as he planned your trip, but chose not to divulge his intentions. That would be a big red flag for me. At the least, he should have mentioned that he'd be interested in a Triad situation, allowed you to react, and if you were amenable, perhaps just making this first trip a chance for you all to see if there's threeway chemistry.
I don't think your reaction is extreme at ALL. I would definitely take some time to process and decide whether or not you wish to continue seeing him. I think, were that to have happened to me, I would have a difficult time feeling the same way about him after that.
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