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-   -   ? Has this happened to any of you ? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1063)

Tahirabs 10-28-2009 05:54 PM

? Has this happened to any of you ?
 
Do any of you have this type of situation...

My girlfriend deeply loves me. (she lives with us)
My husband deeply loves me.
My girlfriend wants to be close to my husband and really wants to be friends with him.
My husband says he loves her heart and soul and that she is a good friend who could become even closer as time goes on, but if it wasn't for our situation and my deep love for her he probably would of never been friends with her.
My Husband says he wants to have her join our family for the long hall, but seems to get jelouse easily.
On top of all this we have had some sexual experiances, of course me with my husband, soem me with her, and some me with both of them, but never the two of them alone.

To me this seems a little strange in the light of Poly since I am madly in love with both of them and them me but between the two of them they are just friends who are trying to build more just for my sake (or atleast how that seems... my girlfriend says she wants the deepr friendship with my husband , but my husband has never said that about he). (My husband is one of those people that once he makes a friend that person is a friend for life and stays in touch for a long time... me not so much ;)

Let me know if any of you have a simmilar situaion to this OR let me know what you think of this. Thanks for the advice. I am new to all this and just have so many questions. Sorry for the long letter. :confused:

Fidelia 10-28-2009 07:03 PM

Tahirabs, dear one:

There are infinite possibilties for giving and receiving love. It is not necessary to be concerned about the way others arrange their relationships, just as it is not necessary to worry now about troubles and choices that may never come.

If your relationships are working for you and your beloveds, they're working. Who cares what someone outside may think or do or say?

Love one another.

Express that love in respect, compassion and joy.

Nurture one another. As troubles arrive, face them together with sincerity and unity.

Live today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

AutumnalTone 10-29-2009 03:19 AM

I'd say it's unwise to expect that just because you love two people deeply that they will love each other the same. Humans don't work that way. They may hit it off and connect as strongly, they may only find a satisfying friendship. As long as it works, all is OK.

It's a problem only if they can't form a friendship. Toleration isn't a solution for the long term.

What you describe is a vee. My last amorata was straight, so she and my wife were friends, never lovers. Indeed, I don't ever look to end up in a triad, as the odds of finding someone who connects deeply with both of us are too slight to bother with. I simply look for good connections for me and my wife looks for good connections for her.

maca 10-30-2009 12:55 AM

If you want you can read up on LR and myself. LR has a BF he lives with us.We have not been friends for long(only really started trying to know him in the last month). He has lived with us for years now.There is history there that if you want to know about you can research it here about myself and C and LR.

Friendship for the long haul is nessecary.Them loving each other( more then just friendship)is not a requirment though.

Good luck to the 3 of you.

Peace and Love

redpepper 10-30-2009 06:01 AM

Not everyone shares the same love... is it possible that you just need to relax and just observe for a bit... see the love around you and that things are fine the way they are? They sound okay, so perhaps you should be too, no?

If you can't let it go then what is it about this situation that you are not letting go of.... ? or that is bothering you... ? more info please.

Tahirabs 11-02-2009 03:01 PM

Thanks
 
Thanks for the advice of stepping back a little (mentally) and just observing what is around me (between my husband and K {Girlfriend}). My husband has told me many times in the last 2 weeks that the biggest issue in regards to any of our connections (the three of us, me and him, me and her, her and him) is MY over worring. ::sigh:: well maybe if I just observe for a day or two I can figue some more things out!! :) thanks for the help. :)

Tahirabs 12-02-2009 03:41 PM

What do you think?
 
This has helped me alot! Thank you all! Recently the three of us had a seriouse talk about commitment, family, and love. My GF has to go back to Finland at the end of this month :( and won't be able to return for atleast 2years (possibly longer). My husband wanted to have a deep conversation about what would happen if she retuens (she keeps telling us she will definitly retun to the U.S. and to us) about her putting the family first in regars to communication and money and she was really all for this. She even said this is what she wants. I have talked about putting all our wants and needs down on paper and signing it, just for our sake. What do others think of this idea? I think mainly this would make me feel better about her leaving for so long!! (She has promised to e-mail (even jsut a hi I love you) me daily and hand write letters weekly, but I told her that is alot and that she doesn't have to) Just wondering what others think since you all give such GREAT advice!!! :D

GroundedSpirit 12-02-2009 04:31 PM

Good advice
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Tahirabs (Post 10758)
My husband has told me many times in the last 2 weeks that the biggest issue in regards to any of our connections (the three of us, me and him, me and her, her and him) is MY over worring. ::sigh::

Hi Tirahibs,

Yep - see lots of sound advice here. And think you hit on something above.
It's too common with lots of us. Overthinking :)
Good to relax and just let things go. Not try to be in control of everything all the time. It'll kill ya ! <chuckle>

GS

LovingRadiance 12-02-2009 11:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tahirabs (Post 14108)
This has helped me alot! Thank you all! Recently the three of us had a seriouse talk about commitment, family, and love. My GF has to go back to Finland at the end of this month :( and won't be able to return for atleast 2years (possibly longer). My husband wanted to have a deep conversation about what would happen if she retuens (she keeps telling us she will definitly retun to the U.S. and to us) about her putting the family first in regars to communication and money and she was really all for this. She even said this is what she wants. I have talked about putting all our wants and needs down on paper and signing it, just for our sake. What do others think of this idea? I think mainly this would make me feel better about her leaving for so long!! (She has promised to e-mail (even jsut a hi I love you) me daily and hand write letters weekly, but I told her that is alot and that she doesn't have to) Just wondering what others think since you all give such GREAT advice!!! :D

We just finished putting to paper (well on my laptop so not REAL paper) our needs/wants/expectations. It really helped get a lot of our thoughts and understandings online with one another.

The only caution I would give you is to understand-that time changes EVERYONE-and we can't predict FOR SURE how it will do so. Be aware of that as you go into this new dynamic. Things could change to bring you all closer together, or only some of you closer together, or drive you all apart or drive only some of you apart etc. Don't try to keep the relationship the same-it would stagnate growth for all of you.

If you want to put things in writing, make it a "living list" so to speak-able to be updated and changed amongst you as time goes by..

Erosa 12-03-2009 12:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow (Post 10456)
I'd say it's unwise to expect that just because you love two people deeply that they will love each other the same. Humans don't work that way.

I have to agree on this point.

Here is another thought that gives me pause; Why does your girlfriend want to be closer to your husband? What's the motivation? Is it for your sake? Is she doing it because SHE wants to be closer to him or because she wants to make a more secure hold on the relationship between you and her?

Is your husband simply not attracted to her? That is a legitimate possiblity.


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