Unsure in Texas...
I have been married for 12 years last month. My husband and I have three kids the oldest is 14yo boy then 11yo boy and then an 18 month old! The last was a shock and he did not want to have her. I decided I could not kill our child whom I knew we could care for and love. He did come around and is thrilled to have her and we are all ridiculously in love with her.
Shortly after her birth he turned 40 and during his big weekend long birthday bash he had sex with another woman in our house while we were all asleep upstairs. I knew right away in the morning something was up, and after much thought I decided not to go crazy. I did not kick her out (I never confronted her) I did not kick him out nor did I cancel his b-day. That was the first time though that he said to me "I need to feel other people; you aren't enough for me" (not in those exact words nor nearly as short, it took awhile but that is what it boiled down too)
I am hurt at the new feelings of distrust that I had not had before the incident and as much as I squash them down I still feel wrong. There are many resentments and hurts on both our parts over the past 15 years and we have been working through them...slowly...but he is afraid to talk to me, to tell me how he really feels or wants, he finds other women to talk to and then he might tell me...he says that if he tells me something negative I react and sometimes get upset and mad.
Yesterday I found out that he has been reading about polyamory and that this could be what he wants. I spoke to him today...he was shocked that we could talk about it. I told him I am unsure of how something like this would fit into our lives. We barely have time for each other...he doesn't talk to me, I don't always trust him. How would this work?
We love each other deeply, he is my very best friend and I his, we don't want to lose the other, he has said he would stay the way we are. But I know he isn't happy...I LOVE HIM, how can I see him struggle with something that seems so natural to him and not want to help...BUT
I am his wife...I have given everything to this family and life we created.
What if......fill in the blank with any negative you can think of
I don't know if I could find solace in someone else other than him, I don't know that I could and not feel guilty or feel like I am betraying my family.
That other woman didn't want him for anything other than a good time...when I saw that I felt so bad for him, I forgave him...what if he did find someone who wanted him...all of him.
I could use some advice however please be gentle...I am wanting to understand and am open but then I get sad and weepy...
Thanks for listening -B
It sounds as if you handled this situation really sensibly. This is not something that you will be able to come to terms with quickly. It's a process and it's like learning a whole new way of being. I would recommend that you check out my blog www.polyamorouspeople.com. Look back at some of the earlier posts when I was struggling and wrote from that space. There's also lots of helpful stuff here on "the struggling mono thread".
I used to label our relationship poly/mono (he is poly and I am mono), I still do to help people understand, but I now think of our relationship as being "open" - open to possibilities. Where that will take us who knows, but I know we are both getting to experience the essence of who we really are, rather than trying to squeeze ourselves into a mono relationship.
You don't need to find solace with anyone else. You need to find solace in being the most wonderful version of yourself. Where that will lead who knows but if it's a journey you both take with love, honesty, respect and empathy everything will be fine. I know because I'm living it and it's mostly great.
Thank you Sage, I will look into the sites you have recommended. I know we are going through a metamorphosis in our relationship and I really want to decide that it will be beautiful and mutually beneficial. Thank you for your caring I may contact you some time...I hope that is ok. - B
I know exactly what fears you have, because I had them 10 years ago when my husband first talked to me about opening our marriage. Luckily for me, this conversation didn't take place after a hurtful incident like yours did. Articulate your fears--be specific. Ask him if he can assure you this won't tear your family apart or embarrass you. You sound open to the idea, but it will take time to quell those insecurities. I didn't take a lover of my own until after I knew we were done having kids and once I did I realized my husband had been right about how it doesn't diminish in any way our love for each other. It's a way to have fun and get some frustration out of your system.
Make a few rules, like no coworkers or mutual friends. Talk about what you really don't want him to do, etc.
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