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-   -   Burning the Bridge over water that isnt there... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10617)

LostRane 06-04-2011 09:18 PM

Burning the Bridge over water that isnt there...
After talking with sage I know that I need to write down what I am feeling. I
have been reading the boards a lot and know that what I am feeling is a bit of jealousy, fear and pain. These are my feelings and they are ok if I learn to talk it out and try to understand why I feel this way.

When I fell in love with Rane it was hard and fast. I knew then what I was
getting into. I knew that she was a Bisexual and that there would come a day when she would need more than I could give her. I didnt worry for I know that her love for me is just as strong as mine. If she found a guy to have sex with it would be just that, sex. At the start I didnt know the guy and he didnt know me but then there were feeling of pain, sorrow and Rane feeling like she had to rush the guy out before I got home. It killed me to see her in pain. So we talked about finding someone to hang out with both us and be her FWB. Again for me it was just sex nothing more. I have always thought that you cant have enough friends but with most of the guys it never worked out. They always wanted more then she could give or they wanted Rane to break up with me and be just theirs. So far that has
not happend.

So we meet this guy and start chating with him. He is funny, and good company. Rane and him get along so well that its crazy some day. His Name is Draco. He starts being Rane's FWB and she is happy. She floats through the day, has more affection for me, the lines of comunication are open and our sex life has gotten better. At the start of it all little changes I dont want to believe that it is Draco that is causing it. I want to and need to believe its cuz she is happy with me as well. I try to be blind for then my fears about not being enough wont come out so strong.

Rane is a research queen for she will research stuff till she finds the answers to questions that are bugging her. She found this forum and started to read. It was nice to see her finding simularities with some of you. She pointed out that I was like a lot of you as well. Feelings of jealousy and the feeling of being replaced were a daliy occurance for me. I know that Rane has no plans to replace me but the fear is still real for me. It gets better every day. Rane and I talk about her having both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. Is this something I can handle? Can I share her time? This in theroy is easy but in real life its hard. I know that if poly was easy everyone would do it. I know she loves me with all that she is so I am not worried about being loved enough. I worried about how to spend my time and what to do with myself when Draco and Rane are having one on one time. ( I know I sound like a spoiled little kid but for 4 years i havent had to share her attention or time with another lover. Just FWB and that was easy.)

Draco got the title of boyfriend and everything changed, the rules that we had agreed on were broken and tossed aside with in days. I watched Rane fall for him so fast and hard like she did with me, enter fear again. Draco was falling for her just as fast. When Draco and Rane were hanging out and they both were so lost in each other that I feel invisable. Their NRE was killing me slowly, there were days when my heart hurt so much I thought that I would walk away from Rane and let her and Draco build a life together. Draco started sleeping over at our place, the 3 of us in bed was something. There were days that I was pushed out of bed and slept on the couch for I wouldnt ask them to move over. I didnt think I was wanted or needed yet noone would tell me to get out. One night after feeling like I was not needed or wanted in my own bed I decided that I would step back
and give up Rane to Draco. Just walk away for I couldnt deal with being invisable or not feeling wanted.( I know now from looking back on my life and pass that this is a feeling I have felt all my life from famliy and ex friends) I couldnt contuine to feel this way. It was making me sick to my stomach and I was slowly losing my grip on my emotions. I cried almost everyday about the choices I made.

I was second guessing myself, could I live with this? Could I deal with having
Draco in my personal life? I was so lost and scared which made it harder for the one I normally talk to when I feel like this was lost in NRE and I wasnt feeling any NRE. That night ended with a huge fight and me verbally attacking Draco and he did the same. It go to the point were Rane was yelling at both of us. We then started to calm down and talk like adults. Feelings were talked about, habbits were exposed and understood why they are there. Rane stated that she would give up Draco before she would throw away 4 years with me. To watch her cry when she said that broke my heart. I know that I cant be the one that makes that choice or her. I wont have her spend the rest of our relationship regreting staying with me for I made her give up Draco.

With saying that stuff had to change or I was going to crumble. We have had 2 other fights since then. Rane has freaked out and Draco and myself have walked her through it. I have had several mini freak outs but after talking it out with both of them I normally feel like an ass for even thinking those things. For me I wanted so badly to feel included with the NRE between them that I tryed to push them apart, the only thing it did was push them closer. Making me feel more alone. I do it to myself somedays. I push cuz the fears that live with me start screaming and I listen. Not sure why but I do, maybe because they have been my friends for as far back as I can remember.

I just want to belong for I know that I belong with Rane. She makes me feel alive and safe when my demons are chasing me. Draco is a different story for me.I feel like he is just here for Rane, dealing with me because he has to. Now saying that I understand that its Rane he wants to be with and has feelings for. I asked some questions on the forums and was told that 'This is a great time to work on your relationship with Rane and your relationship with yourself. Don't worry so much about trying to build a relationship with Draco.'

So thats where I find myself these days. Most days I am happy with things. Dont get me wrong there are days where jealousy holds my hand and I start to take 5 steps backwards. Most of these feelings are mine and mine alone. I know what I was getting into when I fell for Rane but knowing it and living it are different. As well I now know that Draco would need to be a very special kind of a guy to have empathy for you and your relationship with Rane. I feel that Draco is that kinda guy but like everything in this world time changes everything. I am not sure how this will work out but I have come to the conclusion that I need to take this one day at a time or I am going to drive myself crazy.

In saying all of this I see that there are things that I need to work on for me, to make me better. I am the type of person who writes better then I talk someday. I know that I am loved and needed at home with my family, with my girlfriend and am starting to be needed by Draco. But in the end I need to love myself more then anything..

This forum has helped with the feelings that I thought were mine alone. I see that I am not alone and there is people out there willing and wanting to help. Thanks for reading this. I know there will be more..

:) LostRane

sage 06-05-2011 08:21 AM

Hi LostRane

I hope putting up this post helped you work through your feelings a bit and I'm glad Draco is trying to be more open to you.

Can I ask, how is your life apart from the relationship stuff? How are your friendships, your passions, your job? When we are in an open relationship I think it is important that we focus on building a beautiful life around us so that we don't over-focus on our primary relationship.



LostRane 06-06-2011 07:55 PM

The rest of my life.
Thank you for the kind reply Sage.

to answer your questions.

the company i work for is on rolling strikes, so my job is stressful to say the least.

I have wonderful friends but dont often reach out to them for I know how busy family lives are.

As for my passion I am not sure anymore. I use to write when I was younger. Poems and a blog. I am looking for something to refocus my mind. I also have an 11yr old so I am working on that relationship as well..

Thank again for your thoughts and wisdom

sage 06-06-2011 11:43 PM

Hi Lost Rane

Go here http://whitehottruth.com
You're right your need to re-focus your mind and find out what makes you rock. Danielle LaPorte is an expert at this and if you subscribe to her blog you can download an Authentic Dream Worksheet for free. Go for it, I think you need a life reconfiguration.



sage 06-06-2011 11:47 PM

Oh and one more thing. Do you mind if I don't keep calling you Lost Rane. I think names are really important. I called myself Sage because Sage is a useful herb and Sages are wise. Every time I type "Lost Rane" I feel a sadness in my heart, and worse it could become a self-fulfilling phrophacy. I would like to call you LR2. We have another LR on this board (Loving Radia
nce). If I think of you in those terms I will feel much better.

thr33scompany 06-07-2011 03:36 AM

Hey Rane,

I just wanted to tell you that your not alone in your situation. My GF is "bi" and I am gay. We have always been very open with each other since the start of our relationship. It started out the same she just wanted to have sex with guys and to be honest that is something that never bothered me, but as time went on we ended up getting a friend involved who never had the "title" Boyfriend but moved in with us. Of course no matter what we called him being around all the time and living with us he instantly assumed that role, and being younger than us, it became a constant game of trying to balance feelings and emotions. He really didnt have any life outside of his work and so it was like he was always around I couldnt get a moment without him there, and even when we would try and go out on our own he would constantly text or call. It was beyond annoying, but it only seemed to annoy me.

We had rules and they were broken and seemed to go out the window. I think mainly because my GF didnt want to hurt his feelings and I am a softy, wanting to make her happy I would ultimately allow things that I didnt really want to. I have to be blamed for that, if I allow it I can't be mad about it later, thats not fair. Rules made things harder than they had to be.

There were moments when I was jealous and moments when I was mad. I felt like you unneeded, sometimes unwated, or even like I was pushed out and getting between something. I like you only wanted my GF to be happy even if that meant she would be happy without me. I had my freak out moments. At one point I did actually leave, it was for a whole 3 hours, but still....

I felt with him in the house I was loosing my safe place, I was loosing my privacy, and that I had to share every moment with him too. I had to wait my turn, or ask for time, or schedule sex alone without him if I wanted something more intimate...It was a bitch : )

What I wanted in this new person, and what I thought I was getting in this new person, is not what it turned out to be. He was both of our friends to start, actually we met him together on the same night and he took my number would call me to hangout, and was a good friend, until all this started happening.

I thought she was getting what she wanted sexually, and that I was going to be sharing something amazing with a great friend. When he started to fall in love with my GF, he did whatever he could to make me go away, because from the start he knew her commitment was to me, and we explained to him that we didnt expect that he would ever be more than a friend.

He would do things that pissed me off, but from an outsider looking in it seemed like he was being so nice. He knew what he was doing.......he would point out anything that I did that wasn't perfect....I would never do this to him, mainly because I knew that I would come across as jelous, or because I was trying to be the bigger person....all the while I was waiting for my GF to notice what and ass he was, and it took a really long time for that to happen. Which made me mad with her I felt like "why can't she see, this guy is a dick" (I would question her taste in people, and would often feel like how can she like someone like me and a asswhole like him) just being honest.

It got to a point where he actually admitted that he lied and said and did things to make her mad at me and to make me unhappy with her. I don't blame all this on him "all is fair in love and war" I guess, when people are in love they do stupid things or crazy things, and sometimes try and hurt someone to get what they want. We put ourselves in that situation, and had to deal with what the outcome was.

It was a learning experience....what I got from it was this....I dont know if this will help you at all......

Everyone in the relationship has to have the same ideas and expectations. The idea can't be to prove one person is better than the other, or that one person is going to be able to do or say something that will make the (in my case GF) choose one over the other.

Make sure you get the time you need!.....He would constantly need attention and I felt so much resentment twards him, because I worked and took care of the kids, and they both worked together so he saw her the whole day, and than would come home and want to be all over her. I felt like I couldnt even tell her about my day....

COMMUNICATION This is a threeway relationship so my friendship with the guy has to be strong and we have to be able to communicate with each other without putting my GF in the middle of our issues with one another. I have to be able to tell him how I feel as easily as I can tell her

There really can't be "rules" they will be broken, and someone will get hurt.

You MUST have a life outside the relationship. The difference it makes is amazing. Even if its posting on this fourm, or collecting stamps LOL. I had nothing else to do. When I was getting stressed I couldnt think of places to go or things to do that got my mind off it or got me out of the house. Plus there was no way to vent any emotions.

Have friends to talk to....When we first did this it was a secret, we didnt know how to tell people, or who we could tell. Of course we were afraid of how people would view us. My fears were that it was so easy for this guy or my GF to tell people. From an outsider they are getting the better end of the bargin. My GF was getting to have a Guy and a Girl, all this guys friends thought he was awsome cause he would always leave out that he didn't sleep with me, so his friends thought he was sleeping with two women all the time. For me people or my fear was people would think that. I needed a guy around to help sexually satisfy my GF, or that I wasnt really gay. It was hard only having my GF to talk to about my feelings.

Don't give in to things you really don't want to make your GF happy. It will make you feel happy at first, but than you will regret it. You will loose yourself in the relationship, you will give up too much of what you are comfortable with and you will therefore be unhappy. Compromise is ok at times, but not all the time for every little thing..... stand your ground.

Nothing is always perfect...You will always have your moments of anger, jelousy, hurt, feeling unwanted or unneeded, that happens in almost any relationship at one time or another. Don't let it get the better of you.

Agree on who the other person is going to be if you are the one that she is with before they come along...Whoever your GF/BF is with, thats who your going to be with. Maybe not in a sexual way, but you have to be able to spend a lot of time with this person when your GF/BF is not around. You don't want that time to be misrable

Both my GF and I learned so much from that experince. I think looking back, if we could have done it all over again with the same guy we would have been smarter about it, and done a lot of things differently.

We are with someone new now and things are a million times better, we all have so much in common, and fun together and I wouldnt change it for anything. This is not to say that you can't make what you already have work. A lot of relationships dont work out period so I think thats why things didnt work out with the first guy ultimately. He just wasnt the right person long term ,and didnt want what we wanted.

It sounds like you have something very special with the person you are with, and it sounds like much of what your feeling is normal for this kind of relationship. Your right not everyone can have these kinds of relationships. I know people that have tried it and never did it again. You just have to be honest about what you really want. The first time I think I wanted to do this, but only because it was going make my GF happy. It took a lot of exploring myself to realize that I wanted the same thing. It was only after the first guy was gone that I could really sit back and think about all of the things I did enjoy about having two people in my life. There were so many things I just didnt see them because he was the wrong pick. Most importantly I learned that I have to have strong feelings even if they are only friendship ones for the guy, cause whoever she is with I am with. We have to agree that they are the right fit for "us" not just "her".

Our things is this and it works well for us. I am his GF and much as she is his Gf and he is my BF as much as he is her BF. If we are out I treat him like I would treat a person I am on a date with, and he treats me the same, and we treat her the same. Meaning I buy him drinks he buys me drinks, we play pool together, or whatever it is that we do. The only difference is the sex...

I hope some of this helps, I just want you to know that your not the only one who has been in the situation. Its good to talk to people, sometimes these things can make you feel like your going crazy. Usually your not : )

Sorry I didnt mean to write so much : )

Best of luck to you!

LostRane 06-07-2011 04:18 AM

First to sage. You can just call me Lost. Its been my name forever and I like it. Thank you for you words of wisdom again..

thr33scompany... I read all you said then I re read it all. You made me feel like I was not crazy to be feeling all of this. Yet I understand that I have to work on some of my personal issue for me not for anyone else.

LostRane 06-11-2011 10:11 PM

The walk since the bridge
So after starting this and starting a blog as well I am doing better. There are days where I need alittle more support and reassurance. Thankfully both Rane and Draco are getting better with those days. Rane and I have started to do stuff that is just us and just with Draco. We all noticed that one on one time was needed and wanted by all.

sage 06-11-2011 10:34 PM

Very glad to hear it :)

LostRane 06-14-2011 10:34 PM

More Bridges to burn....
Moving on is hard. I know that change is needed and wanted but how do u make changes when this is the way it’s been for as long as u can remember?

I have asked Rane to balance her time and affections between both me and Draco. It gets better everyday but I know it’s gotta be hard for they are in the honeymoon stage where all they want is to be together. This I completely understand for there are still days when I need to be so close to Rane it feels like my skin is going to peel off if I don’t touch her. Those days are hard on Rane. This I know.

What is it to balance your time? On paper it’s easy. But in reality it’s hard and we are all working on it. The days seem to pass at a good pace now. Where before they would crawl. I have learn in the last two weeks to value the one on one time I get with Rane. Enjoy the time with both Rane and Draco. Understand that they need and want one on one time and it’s ok for it doesn’t mean I am not loved or needed. Just they want to be alone for a bit.

After talking out alot of thoughts and feelings with both Rane and Draco I know I need to work harder on changing.

I need to work on my feelings of jealousy and my fear. I am working on it. Most moments I am good but today I am jealous of the time that Rane and Draco will spend together tonight. For I am still feeling like a second class citizen. I have talked to the one that has been treating me like that and it has stopped.

Last Monday was a day of fear, pain and demons and ghosts. I was told at work that my hours would be cut to 20 hours a week. Scary for I have been working 35-40 hours a week. I owe money to several people and feel bad about it.

An ex girlfriend was on my mind last week alot. I know in my heart that If she called and asked to see me I know I wouldn’t go. Would I be a friend, yes that is who I am. She broke me and I let her. She doesn’t haunt my dreams/nightmares any more and hasn’t for 4 years now. I find peace with Rane.

I am working on being comfortable around Draco but there are days when I can’t do it. When the days come I need to speak up instead of shutting down. But how do u tell a person that u can’t be near them today for u are feeling so insecure about yourself that u will cry at any moment?

The lights have been out for I have not been thinking with my head. I have been letting my demons and fear tell me how to feel. So Monday was a horrible day my hours at work were cut, i am stressed out about money and I was thinking about Ali and just wanted to be hugged and told it would be ok. But I wouldn’t ask Rane or Draco for it was their first date night.

After two days of letting it eat me alive I started talking about it. Rane always say ‘I am not a mind reader. U need to tell me’ this is something I am working on. I talked with Rane and then talked to Draco. Just one on one. So after all that I felt better. Rane and I talked about Ali. And I know she is never going to call so I need to let go so that will be one less demon eating at my soul. God knows I need that. I have found something that I would like to do as a hobby and today I talked to an old friend. It felt good not the same as it was but good.

Draco is coming over tonight and for the first time in a week or so I am happy.I have been feeling good for the last two days. I have had lots of one on on with Rane. Working on how I feel about my relationship with Draco. I am feeling better we have sorted some things out. There are still miles to go. I love Rane with everything I have and am. I am starting to think of our relationship like a fountation. The wind blows and we sway by still we stand. The sky opens up and rain falls, lightening strikes, thunder rolls, still we stand.

I am learning to swing a flogger as well. That will be my hobby. It will be a good hobby.

Its been a weird/rough few days. Rane had two deaths in her family so I am thankful that Draco was here to be with Rane when I couldnt be.

I am working on learning how to swing a flogger. I am working on personal growth. I am working on my relationship with myself. The feelings of jealousy with Draco have only come out twice in the last few days , which is better then two weeks ago when they where all the time. I am working on finding the positive things about the day and letting go of the jealousy. Which i will be the first one to tell u is hard.

I went for my weight in at the clinic yesterday. I weighed 328lbs in april and now i weight 310lbs. I am proud of that. But today i know my liver is out of wack. I dont feel like myself. I am do tired, my eyes are turning yellow. And i just feel off, i have eaten alot of beef in the last week. Plus the stress of work, my relationships, and of course money. So i need to get mysel under control and fast or there will be more problems then just our relationship...

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