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-   -   Lost.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10614)

just3 06-04-2011 06:15 PM

Lost..
 
Well. after 6 months of happiness with my hubby and my bf.. its over. My bf who has been great with everything the past couple weeks had started to pull away. I knew it. Tried talking to him. He assured nothing was wrong, he was just busy etc. Last weekend I guess he decided to help out a friend and let her move into his house. Didnt say anything to me just gave me lies of why I could not visit. Finally Wednesday he tells me. Which honestly I was fine with. Trusted his word. I have known him and my hubs since I was 14 years old(Im now 33 lol) Yesterday...He finally says not everyone is ok in the kind of relationship I want. I guess what I find in the end..I was his dirty little secret. As long as things were hidden it was great. But when we all went to a function a few weeks ago, my brother and lots of my friends were there..and it became not so hidden to him. Talk about a slap in the face. I guess I never even noticed it was all so secret. I never hid it. And all I could think of after this all happened(through text messages no less) was holy crap.. I was a freaking dirty little secret. someone to be ashamed of. and honestly..felt like all I was, was a piece of arse. Cried till my head hurt. Because I love him. Always have. When all 3 of us were together...I felt complete. Maybe its because when we were younger I was always with them. so its just something natural. I feel lost right now. I feel lonely. My hubs works a lot. and it was nice to have my bf to talk to during the long days. today I am going between being hurt to being mad. to feeling like my heart is breaking. I talked to hubs yesterday and told him if we ever found someone we could click with that could be his friend as well as my lover, I want to make sure I was never a secret again. Not jumping into the dating pool for a little while. And being here in Oklahoma we may never find someone again. TO many closed minded people. I just needed to vent and hear how people handle these kind of issues. Im angry because my kids are upset about not seeing his son anymore. And not having them come with us places. And I really couldnt even explain to them why! I know I handled my bf bad when he tried his I just wanna be friends text messages. But Im 33 and not some teen in high school. And told him no. I cant. Not at this point. And let him know how hurt I am that he was ashamed of our relationship when he knew from the very beginning and came into it all with all the facts. Im mad that he felt the need to hide. I mean I dont go advertising it. But I dont hide. this just sucks.

redpepper 06-04-2011 07:57 PM

*hugs* :(

just3 06-05-2011 02:56 AM

TY RP. Im sure it will get easier as time passes. at least I hope
chris

Anneintherain 06-05-2011 09:27 AM

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now - feeling something is natural and positive is great, finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm...I can't imagine the pain.
Sending hopeful wishes your way.

just3 06-05-2011 02:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 84707)
I just wanted to say that I am so sorry. I can't imagine how badly you might feel right now - feeling something is natural and positive is great, finding out a partner isn't really committed to poly and feels embarrassed about a relationship they had with me just because it isn't the norm...I can't imagine the pain.
Sending hopeful wishes your way.

I really think thats what hurts me the most. That after all this time. And going places together, his son playing with mine. Never hiding any emotions or feelings... Well honestly I should have seen it before when they didnt go anywhere with us that anyone would know him. Until that one night. And to have him tell me he loves me and misses me 10 min before he says he doesnt wanna see me anymore.. It was a shocker. I feel better today. Still a lil lost. He has been a friend for so long that its hard not to hear from him etc. Its a 18 years friendship gone on top of my lover. It was a major self esteem blow for sure to have someone ashamed and embarrassed of me and mine. Thank you for your warm fuzzy wishes :D Im sure that one day I will get over the pain of losing all that I did. I promise the next relationship will have to be with someone who is ok and happy in this lifestyle. If we ever find that guy that would be happy to be with us as a family not as a in the closet secret.
chris

Ariakas 06-05-2011 02:54 PM

I can understand what you are going through, and sorry it has happened in the way it did.

But.. maybe he was ok with the relationship. Maybe he was being honest.. maybe he wasn't even fooling himself. It might well be that at some point he started to want his own primary.. or only..

You have known/loved and was friends with him for 18 years. Could he have carried the lie that long? I always try to assume the best in the people I love.. doesn't change the "what happened part" but it might change what could be in the future part. Resentments suck the wind out of life.

I am not trying to belittle your loss, thats tough after that many years. In fact, I couldn't imagine it on that level. Heal up..

Ari

best of luck on the healing.

just3 06-05-2011 03:14 PM

THe lover part has only been 6 months this time. The now ex bf was exclusive to me many years ago. before I married hubs. Your not belittling it. Right now the hurt is fresh. Im sure it will fade. I appreciate everything everyone has said so far. I keep trying to look at it from a outside view and well.. thats hard for me. lol so Im hearing it from you guys. Makes me feel a lot better because maybe just maybe someone elses words will make me see what my broken heart isnt at this point. Maybe one day we will be able to be friends again. After my hurt has healed and I can see him without wanting to cry about what I lost.
Chris

Derbylicious 06-05-2011 05:10 PM

Give it some time and some space and then start trying to rekindle the friendship once some of the sting has gone out of the breakup. You have 18 years worth of history to rebuild a friendship on.

MonoVCPHG 06-05-2011 06:26 PM

There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell it is not you that he had the problem with...it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things) but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra "It was not me, it was the situation". Remove your self doubt from the real issue...you're boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.

GroundedSpirit 06-06-2011 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 84755)
There is a big difference between being ashamed/embarrassed of someone and being ashamed/embarrassed about a situation. From what I can tell it is not you that he had the problem with...it was the relationship dynamic. It's easy for me to say don't take it personally" (because I am often very Vulcan in how I see things) but please keep my comment in mind. Use it as a mantra "It was not me, it was the situation". Remove your self doubt from the real issue...you're boyfriend wants a more conventional arrangement.

I agree totally with Mon here - don't confuse his reaction over navigating in the current culture to his feelings about you.

Cultural pressure is a tremendously powerful thing. It shapes our every decision. it hinders us from living our lives the way our hearts would dictate.

Sometimes that saves our lives.........other times it wrecks it.

If possible I'd try to keep the lines of communication open. Yea - it will take a while for the hurt to heal some - but it will in time. But by keeping the lines open you don't close the door to the future. Life is funny. Tomorrow is always another day we can't see :)

GS


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