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-   -   How you changed when you opened to poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1059)

rolypoly 10-28-2009 05:53 AM

How you changed when you opened to poly?
 
Here's what's been circling in my little head...

In the past, when thinking about someone I had a crush on, I used to find all the things that scared me about them.

As a perfect example, I recently talked to my new "crush" or "love interest" or whatever, (he's a friend, firstly). We talked about our weekends and told me how he danced until the wee hours of the morning. In the past, as a "monogamous" woman, seeking what her family would approve of as a responsible, reliable, potential father, anything outside the definition of those qualities would scare me.

Hmm, dancing until all hours? You will be a bad partner, neglectful and a bad father...

What a drag!

Somehow, identifying as poly has eased up on my need for the reassurance that someone will be a "good partner", as I defined it. I believe this is largely because now the pressure is less on one person and is allowed to spread into many, including myself.

Poly also introduced many more options of what makes a good partner.

Maybe what I'm needing is a friend that I can spend time with occasionally, dance until the wee hours, (while my other partners sleep soundly), and then go back to a less partying lifestyle. Wouldn't this person then make a very good partner, (if we define partner as someone who meets a need for us).

Have any of you discovered similar changes in yourselves after "coming out" as poly??

roly

LovingRadiance 10-28-2009 06:29 AM

No. Not really-but mine is a different situation.

I have found I feel less like a failure and less guilty for my life.

rolypoly 10-28-2009 06:33 AM

Less guilty! That's a big one!

Why less of a failure?

LovingRadiance 10-28-2009 06:36 AM

I was always pushed to find "the right man" fall in love, get married, have kids etc.
But I didn't do that.

I fell in love and fell in love and fell in love and fell in love and.....
Somewhere in there had 4 kids (spread out over 16 years), got married to a man whose heart I broke and here I am finally coming to terms with myself!:o

rolypoly 10-28-2009 06:42 AM

Exactly!

MonoVCPHG 10-28-2009 02:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 10309)


Have any of you discovered similar changes in yourselves after "coming out" as poly??

roly


Although not "poly", I have definitely changed since entering a poly relationship. The requirement to communicate has greatly enhanced my ability in this area and I have created freinds in walks of life I never would have ventured before. I have expanded my knowledge about people in general because of the people I have gotten to know through poly.
In analysing my own issues I have discovered an incredible amount about myself and am a better partner for this. Ironically I am more monogamous then ever!!

rolypoly 10-28-2009 09:04 PM

Mono, so opening up to being in a relationship with a poly woman has helped you to be more communicative, essentially? And to discovering more about yourself?

What kinds of people and what walks of life have you opened up to that you hadn't thought of before? I'm curious because I haven't had this experience. (Well, except that I inadvertently end up hanging out with more pagans, LOL).

violet 10-28-2009 09:11 PM

I discovered an amazing amount about myself - like most other people have said. For me, it was more discovering things that I thought I had "dealt with", that in reality I'd just buried. Opening to poly made me confront those things head-on, and while I'm still dealing with them, it's making me a better person.

It's things like separation anxiety, insecurity, etc. I'm dealing with them head on now, when before I had CLAIMED to deal with them - like I said, I'd only buried them.

By proxy, it's made me more anxious, more insecure, more possessive in the mean time. lol It's changed me for the worse in the present, but will make me a FAR better human being in the future once this shit is out of the way. :D

MonoVCPHG 10-28-2009 09:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rolypoly (Post 10388)
What kinds of people and what walks of life have you opened up to that you hadn't thought of before? I'm curious because I haven't had this experience. (Well, except that I inadvertently end up hanging out with more pagans, LOL).


My background - military profession for almost 20 years, east coast family in a place where the idea of feminism, hippies, art appreciation, political activism, street people, and even racial diversity were not a visible factor.

Moved out west - white picket fence, suburbs, lots of cash, no concept of the world as a global community, very vanilla, and very happy with how politics and capitalism work because quite frankly they work for me.
I socialised with middle class nuclear families and had no concern for anything beyond my own little world. Political activist, environmentalist, social activists were an annoyance to me because I saw it all as a waste of time and energy in the face of progress.

Enter the Poly Meetings....people from all the areas I had never before interacted with. People more concerned with communication than the accumulation of material things, people who view the world as a connected hive of people. Artistic, activists, creative, expressive, and caring for the world and its future.

Although I may not have assumed all the beliefs or attitudes of those around me, I have certainly had my eyes opened up to many amazing people and learned a greater appreciation for all people and what they believe in.

rolypoly 10-28-2009 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by violet
For me, it was more discovering things that I thought I had "dealt with", that in reality I'd just buried.

Good for you! We invite into our lives what helps us grow and I imagine poly opens itself to all sorts of stuff. Like you say, separation anxiety and insecurity.

Someone recently told me something like: It's a gift when someone who loves you pushes one of your buttons. Much more difficult to deal with someone who doesn't love you triggering you.


Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG
military profession for almost 20 years

WOW! That's quite a change. Yeah redpepper!
It's still a good reminder for me to hear why/how someone would love capitalism. Helps me understand. I'm one of 'dem freaky types who loves the environment, thrives on communication and all that hippy dippy shit. ;)


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