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-   -   Help! I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend but I am not poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10554)

glowinthedarkstars 06-02-2011 03:03 PM

Help! I have a girlfriend and a boyfriend but I am not poly
after a YEAR with 2 partners I realize what an emotional toll poly has taken on me and that I dont feel innatlety poly. Yes there are huge rewards to polyamory, but they dont seem to outweigh the emotional turmoil me and my partners go through. My boyfriend P was poly when I met him and I was mono for about a year, then I started dating my girlfriend N (8months). she is monogomous. I love them both tremendously but have fallen less in love with my boyfriend. I love him very much though. I had a very rough night last night because my girlfriends friend told me I was breaking her heart and that if I didnt get rid of my boyfriend my gf wont stay with me. Also that my bf was ugly. I was very hurt and upset by these comments, mainly because while we have discussed the status of our relationship and I know she prefers to keep my relationships seperate, it kills me to hear from my girlfriends best friends boyfriend that I am sabatoging my love life and breaking this beautiful girls heart. He also told me he has no respect for me and he thinks polyamory is wrong. I feel very judged by my girlfriends friends and the hard part is I dont feel like defending myself mainly because I dont feel like being poly is really me. advice would be great. thanks loves

SourGirl 06-02-2011 03:22 PM

Well, there are a couple of different things to point out here.

#1- Hearsay. ' Believe none of what you hear, and half of what you see.' Is a old saying, that runs pretty true. Being told something negative by
your girlfriends' --> boyfriends-->uncles'-->plumber's--->goldfish, is not a reliable source. It sounds like shit-disturbing to me.

#2- Its very confusing with all things poly, isn`t it ? To be able to love in multiple, but not enjoy the actuality of it all, happens a bit more often then people might think.The struggles ?....well the truth is, no, It`s not always worth it. Thats where futures and goals, can play a part in helping you determine what is and is not worth working for.

#3- Feeling 'less in love' might be a product of the stress and pressure you feel under. It can kill libidos, affection, etc. You might need a break from the pressure, to see how you really feel away from the stress. People around you might not handle that well though.

Good luck.

River 06-02-2011 03:41 PM


Sounds like (maybe!) your girlfriend wants to have you all to herself and cannot handle your being poly -- and that this strain is causing you to think maybe you're not poly after all. So it looks to me that you really need to sort the issues into distinct categories and find out what's really there. If you are pressured by others in such a way that you want to give up on poly, that's a different matter altogether from not being poly to begin with.

I recommend being true to yourself at any cost. Find out what that means in practice.

glowinthedarkstars 06-02-2011 03:49 PM

River, I dont think I was really ever poly. While the freedom has been lovely. I fell in love with a man (P) who told me about polyamory and told me thats who he was. I was mono. P encouraged me to start dating which I did and then I fell in love with N. like the above poster said. I think its all fine and good to be in love with 2 people, but maintaining 2 relationships is causing pain. I feel like my indescisiveness about where to go with this issue is only going to cause more pain. I cant see myself dumping either of them. but I cant see this working out for us in the long run either. thanks for the replies. I dont know exactly what I am looking for....just any imput at all. this feels heartwrenching....some people say I have the best of both worlds , other people say I am wrong for breaking my gfs heart and not committing fully to her....but I think I am just stuck in this place I dont desire to be in...:confused:

River 06-02-2011 04:33 PM


Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars (Post 84386)
River, I dont think I was really ever poly.


You've just said that you love both of them and are in love with both of them, simultaniosly. That means that you are polyamorous -- since you're also honest about it with them. It's not like you've been cheating.

But you have pain about the relationships, as you say. And you seem to think that if it were not for there being two of them there'd not be the pain.

Is the pain about her rejection of your polyamory? Does she want you to be exclusive with her?

You say you don't want to "dump" either. But will she still love you if you are not exclusive with her? Does she resent your boyfriend, or the fact that you also have a boyfriend?

You say you don't think you're poly, but you seem quite confused about that to me.

SNeacail 06-02-2011 05:04 PM


Originally Posted by River (Post 84390)
You've just said that you love both of them and are in love with both of them, simultaniosly. That means that you are polyamorous -- since you're also honest about it with them. It's not like you've been cheating.

This! Frankly, as someone who is trying to avoid a divorce, relationships whether mono or poly are full of emotional turmoil and sometimes it's extremely hard to know if they are worth the effort or not.

If you do breakup with your boyfriend and "commit" to your girlfriend, will you be happy? Will her friends all of a sudden like you or will they find other things to complain about? Why is she letting her friends fight her battles?

Do you really LOVE her more than you do your boyfriend (who you have dated a year longer) or is the NRE wearing off with the boyfriend while it's still in full force with the girlfriend? It's very possible that the realtionship has just run it's course.

The situation with your girlfriend and her friends sounds a bit strange to me. She knew you had a boyfriend when you started dating and now she expects you to dump him for her. This strikes me WRONG, like the mistress who expects a man to divorce his wife to just be with her and when he doesn't, she has her friends tell him he is breaking her heart. What other things in your life will this happen with? If she doesn't get along with your friends, will she (or her friends) expect you to dump them too? What about family or activites?

glowinthedarkstars 06-02-2011 05:17 PM

It is all so confusing. she doesnt expect me to dump him, but I know she would ideally be monogomous with me. she doesnt understand why if I see P so infrequently why I want to be with him. (N lives 20 minutes from me and P lives 2 hours away). My relationship with N is pretty much like a monog relationship with the exception of the fact that on facebook it says I am in a relationship with P (and also her, but P shows up first) and her friends give her shit. She is also just turned 20 whereas P is 32 and has been poly for ages. I am capable of loving many people but even when I was just with P the jealousy was hard for me to handle. I dont think of N as "wrong" just young, and struggling. and I am too. and P is kinda not getting the attention from me he deserves because I have been so wrapped up in N. But I love N almost too much....

SNeacail 06-02-2011 05:36 PM


Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars (Post 84400)
on facebook it says I am in a relationship with P (and also her, but P shows up first)

It must be my age, but I really don't understand the importance people place on fb shit. Don't get me wrong, I like fb and use it daily, but I have noticed that many of those in thier 20s tend to get all bent out of shape based on a stupid fb status.:rolleyes: My advice, remove any mention of "relationship status" from your facebook, but then they will probably get bent out of shape about that also.:eek:

AutumnalTone 06-02-2011 05:57 PM


Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 84403)
It must be my age, but I really don't understand the importance people place on fb shit.

This. My response to whining I hear about that sort of thing is simple: "Grow the fuck up."


I can see wondering what's going on if some partners are claimed as being involved and others aren't. That would lead to discussion. When all are included, however, bitching about placement is immature, at best.

Cariad 06-02-2011 08:09 PM

Hi Glow,

It sounds like her friends may be speaking out of turn. They may think they are trying to protect her but it's not their place to be discussing your relationship with you. I think you need to tell them to mind their own business next time it's brought up.

For now, though, you need to sit down with your GF and hear in her own words what she wants/needs before you beat yourself up over any of this. And using her age as an explanation is really just an excuse. I've known plenty of 20 year olds that are perfectly capable of handling a relationship and just as many 40 year olds who still aren't. The fact is she knew when you two started dating that you had a BF and thought she could handle it at the time. If that's no longer true, what's changed?

Also, have you discussed your feelings or needs with either of them? I'm seeing a lot about how what they feel and what they want but do they know your feelings and needs? Any relationship, poly or not, requires all parties to be aware of and responsive to each others feelings and needs for it to work.

Good luck what ever you decide to do. Being in love can take a lot out of you regardless of how many people are involved ;)

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