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-   -   not new but now getting confused... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10541)

aNJguy 06-02-2011 04:58 AM

not new but now getting confused...
So ok here goes...I am new to this site but a 'Lifestyler' over 5 years with my Wife of now 27 years. We are your typical mwc, now empty nesters as our kids have finished college and moved on. Normally we like to do a full swap with other couples, have done other 'variations' and for the most part have lived out all our fantasies, done the party scene, made a few (FEW) good friends, I have always been better about 'one offs' as compared to becoming 'friends' with our play partners. We are both college educated professionals, she is on the BBW side I am husky build but we are both, we believe, considered attractive in our own way.

So about 3 years ago my W wanted to start dating seperately, and though I resisted, she got her way. She had a party playmate that she esp. wanted to see. In addition, she has always been the online 'player', into chat and e mailing more then me. So long story short though it hurt me she proceeded. Then after about three months a woman reached out to contact me, She was from a couple we had enjoyed together that we had fallen out of touch with about six months earlier when She and her husband split up. She and I had had exceptional chemistry and She 'missed me'. Again long story short She and I, with my wife's full consent, started dating.

So W and I had reached a point where we played out seperately. My W had several lovers, which I was aware of all, and I saw She only as my seperate lover, again with W's full ok. Of course She was also a single mom (divorce still not final) that was barely making ends meet.

So we all know where this is going. She and I fell in love, deeply, and in addition I started to help She out financially. My Wife, though aware I was helping out finacially, did not know the full extant of what I was doing.

So though money is involved, this is not about money. It is about me dealing with the feelings I have, or do not have. It seems to me now that W and I do not have the same perspective on where this journey has led us, or where to go now. W has had multiple lovers over the last 2+years, and I have only met alone with She. I am in love with She and want to help her out as my circumstances allow, which is more that W would like. In addition W and I are not in the best place as W is aware more of the 'fiscal infidelity' I have committed the last year+. All freely offered freely given---but by me. Oh of course W makes more salary then me.

I did not want to play seperately. I did not plan to fall in love with She.
I do not want to upset my life of the past 25+yrs. I am very... confused....after all this time and all my best planning I do not know what to do. And should I live to be happy or just content?

More to follow soon. Should anyone take the time to read, let alone comment, I thank you !

nycindie 06-02-2011 08:02 AM

What is a "Lifestyler?"

You seem to be using some swinger lingo, so I don't understand a lot of what you're talking about. But I do get that you were dishonest to your wife about helping out your gf with money.

I think, if you and your wife pool your salaries and share everything, you two need to seriously set boundaries about who can spend what on whom. And perhaps she needs to protect herself by keeping her money separate from yours. You say your issue is not about money, but that is a huge breach of trust among married couples. You all need to talk, and negotiate what is comfortable for each of you.

You say you didn't want any of what brought you to where you are, but you went along. On some level, you wanted it all or you wouldn't have done any of it. Doesn't matter - you have to deal with the present, so those excuses of "I didn't want this" hold no water. Repair the marriage first before anything else. It seems you and your wife need to strengthen your communication skills and get real about what you want and how both of you can be satisfied. That's how I see it.

aNJguy 06-02-2011 02:30 PM

more confusion?
TY for the comments nycindie. You are correct that money is a huge breach of trust among couples, and that is a major reason why I am 'talking it' out here.

My Wife and I do pool our money, however I also own my (my family) business so the funds I use come from my company. Probably just another lame excuse. Sometimes I just hate thinking about money so much. It is said money doesn't buy happiness but I would sure like to find out lol I mean in the long run we are talking only 10 or 20 K--alot of money, but not a ridicilous amount.

And tho W and I do talk -alot- I guess deep inside I fear that though I will always care for my W, love our children, want a family/grandkids the whole nine yards, I also want this other relationship too--badly. Madly. And it has been over two years so not just NRE or infatuation (I think). And I also didn't mention some other pertinent facts--such as my W always being 'out there' more and having her own small group of male lovers and friends. All I have is She. And, given my luck, I possibly foresee that in the end that I will just end up alone. And some actions one takes are defensive for the preservation of one's own self and ego--don't think I clearly expressed how often or how much my W has hurt me. But then just hurting her back and being dishonest is not right either.

But who is to say what is right or not? As the saying goes, "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter". Is it right to do what I think I should or what I think I want to??

PS yes Lifestyler is a 'swinger' term meaning, I guess, in the broadest sense, swinger/spouse swapper. I use it to apply to all aspects of an 'open' marriage.

SNeacail 06-02-2011 07:05 PM


Originally Posted by aNJguy (Post 84371)
My Wife and I do pool our money, however I also own my (my family) business so the funds I use come from my company. Probably just another lame excuse. Sometimes I just hate thinking about money so much. It is said money doesn't buy happiness but I would sure like to find out lol I mean in the long run we are talking only 10 or 20 K--alot of money, but not a ridicilous amount.

You probably should have the moderators move this post to the appropriate section (General) as it is definitely not about "Site Usage".

Yep, lame excuse. Sit down with your wife and create some boundries, including how much can be spent. I agree with NYCinide, repair your marriage, you guys have a lot of issues, including your resentment of all her partners.

Be vary careful when giving money, anything over $13,000 you both will both have to claim on your taxes, this can also include NON-monetary gifts (cars, clothes, jewlery, etc). Just saying you could get yourself into a heap of trouble if you and your wife aren't on the same page.

MrFarFromRight 06-03-2011 10:59 PM

Well, yes, another vote for the need to get things straight with your wife. I perhaps don't see the money as the biggest issue, though I would agree that large amounts like that [10-20 thousand might not seem like a ridulous amount to you, but would your wife agree with that?] should be talked over.

What I see as the bigger problem is the dynamics of these extra-marital relationships. You both were in the swinger scene, your present relationships started out there (is this true with all your wife's lovers?), but - and here I'm reading between the lines - whereas your wife seems more interested in the sexual thrill of another lover, and quite happy to move from one to another, You've "fallen in love". For her, having other lovers (and not sharing them with you) is what's important. To you, the other PERSON is what's important. Is that the way you see it, or have I got the completely wrong end of the stick? Another question: would your wife see it like this?

Again reading between the lines (and this time perhaps cross-eyed), it seems to me that your wife is somewhat bored with you sexually. You started out swinging together, and then she said she wanted to carry a certain relationship further... alone. Since then she has started other [purely sexual?] relationships alone.

I don't know much about swinging. Is it a couple activity? If she goes out alone, is that swinging or an open relationship? What you certainly have is an open relationship, but you are tending more towards polyamory (emotions involved) and she towards having "a bit on the side" as the Brits say. That - at least - is my take on it, without knowing all the facts. And that's what I think you really need to work out with your wife. [I've just been informed that this cyber café is closing in 4 minutes, so I've got to leave it there.]

MrMrsDominant 06-04-2011 09:49 AM

She has Multiple lovers, You have One,

she gets what she wants with no complaint from you, instead of having multiple lovers you derive your satisfaction out of one via compassion and support (Financial)

So tell her you'll come to level playing grounds since we are picking what we want to be mad about, that you both can only have one lover or she can have multiple and you have one with the added financial compassion you so enjoy giving. Bet that pisses her off! It's not like your giving your spouses money away or money that is dedicated to supporting the house or retirement accounts. I call it beer money redirected elsewhere.

TruckerPete 06-04-2011 02:36 PM

Is your wife in love with her lovers, like you are with She? Or does she have "looser" connections with them?

Just trying to figure out how much of this is money related and how much is due to her not being comfortable with the deeper connection you've developed.

redpepper 06-04-2011 07:55 PM

I don't have time to read everyone elses replies at the moment. Sorry if there is a repeat...

I suggest full independence from one another financially. Perhaps put a percentage of your earnings into a joint account to pay for the mortgage and any other joint assets and then the rest is yours to spend where you see fit. I do this in my marriage and it works well. It sets us up to be independent and responsible for ourselves... something that I don't understand why people don't do more often... it seems our traditional monogamous culture breeds relationships of co-dependence in all areas no?

So what to do about the past? Well, I suggest chalking it up to experience and get on a future of being more responsible financially and emotionally/communicatively (is that a word?:confused:)... there is nothing that breeds confidence more in a partner when the one that has fucked up gets on making it right and stays on the course that is negotiated and agreed to.

If you want to help your She, then do so, but not at the expense of your financial obligation to others... now that you are aware and have figured this out, change it! She might have to get about taking care of herself more, something that she could of and should of done from the beginning. You are a kind man to help out, but you have made her obligated to you by enabling her inability to take care of herself. You now possibly feel obligated to her because you have set a president in giving her money. She expects it now and relies on it. Time to face reality that she has to take care of herself and her child. I would encourage her independence, seek your own and work on your marriage... it sounds like you are heaping a bunch of guilt on your spouse for stuff that you and her agreed to in haste. Maybe its time to take a step back, look at what you have created and make changes that will make you both happy and still strong together.

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