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-   -   What you think? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1052)

Tahirabs 10-27-2009 05:35 PM

What you think?
:confused: My girlfriend, K, is a full lesbin and does not make deep loving relationships easly since her parents are/were abusive to her. She keeps telling me that she only wants to be with me and my husband and no one else and that she would be honered to be a god-mother. While part of me is really happy to hear this another (small part) is also sad. I want her to experiance what me and my husband have. I would love for her to find someone that she could be one with in all ways. Since my husband and I are married and since my husband gets jelous often it is hard for me to ever give her all of that. She tells me she is very happy with what she has and feels blessed/greatful that me and my husband are in her life (she loves to help foster our relationship and wathc us grow/get closer), I just hope she never regreats not having this complete two people one life kind of love/relationship. I feel slightly guilty and definitly sad (for her)... what do you all think about this as well? :confused:

Tahirabs 10-27-2009 05:39 PM

Let me know...
Don't know if any of this mae sense?

MoonFairy 10-27-2009 06:17 PM

Sometimes our needs grow and change. Just because she doesn't want another relationship right now, doesn't mean she won't want one in the future.

You said that she has difficulty forming close bonds with people. This is something that I can relate to, and perhaps you two are just what she needs right now. Maybe watching the love between you and your husband grow and remain will help her with her trouble attaching. Maybe an example of a loving relationship will be more benfical to her than a monogamous relationship of her own.

My advice would be to just love her. And let her see the love between you and your husband. Sometimes just witnessing love is enough to push past the negative feelings that one can have about it. Be patient with her. You get to watch her grow and overcome, and that could be an amazing adventure.

Take your time, talk about everything, and be supportive of her emotional needs and wants. Show her that she can trust love, and you may just find that all those bad experiences she has had start to seem less and less a part of her.

Perhaps setting some time aside just for her that you all have agreed on will help your husband with his jealousy. I'm not a big fan of rigidly dividing time, but maybe it will be best for you three. Perhaps if your husband has some time with just her as well, it will be easier for him to let you and her become closer. If they have a solid friendship, it might be easier for him to let you two spend time together.

A group conversation would probably benefit you all greatly. Talk about what he needs, what she needs, and what you need. Write it down if it's easier, and then find a way to make sure that everyone is getting what they need. There will probably have to be some compromise, but a compromise made out of love isn't really a sacrifice.

Best of luck, hun!


LovingRadiance 10-27-2009 07:28 PM

Always a dangerous game when we start trying to force our needs onto someone else.
Each person has their own needs/wants.
This would be like RP trying to MAKE Mono get another so he could experience what she does. HE DOES NOT WANT TO EXPERIENCE WHAT SHE DOES and being forced to try would only result in his misery-thus her misery thus the likely demise of their relationship.

Let go.
You are her girlfriend, not herself.

Fidelia 10-28-2009 02:55 PM

Love one another.

Express that love in respect, compassion and joy.

Nurture one another. As troubles arrive, face them together with sincerity and unity.

Live today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

MoonFairy 10-28-2009 03:03 PM


Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 10338)
Love one another.

Express that love in respect, compassion and joy.

Nurture one another. As troubles arrive, face them together with sincerity and unity.

Live today and let tomorrow worry about itself.

I think if everyone lived their lived this way, and treated all the relationships in their lives like this, the world would be a much happier place!


Manno 10-28-2009 05:23 PM

I think this might be the beginning of a working philosophy for me as I am entering this lifestyle.

Tahirabs 10-28-2009 05:25 PM

Thank you all for the wonderful advice! :) I was thinking that she was "missing out" because she didn't want to hurt my feelings or becuase she didn't know what it's like to have that deep "one-life" love and she was scared to try (to find it). Maybe she just really doesn't want that, at least for now, and I should just except that. What she wants/needs is what is important to me (as well as what my husband wants/needs) thank you all!

Fidelia 10-28-2009 06:54 PM


Originally Posted by Manno (Post 10352)
I'm a:
watcher/recorder/analyst/media specialist/ theorist/composer/partner/promoter/satirist/philosopher/player/bibliosoph/lover/
mobile luddite/organizer/supporter/detector/counselor/ geek/guaranteer/adapter/metacognitionist/friend/narcissist/

You are? Wow, me too! Excepting the father part. And the workaholic part (but I like to think I make up for it by being an extra-good procrastinator). :D

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