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-   -   I am poly, BF and GF new to poly, how do I communicate with them? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10513)

polycouple 06-01-2011 02:10 AM

I am poly, BF and GF new to poly, how do I communicate with them?
I really need some guidance about how I should approach a conversation with my girlfriend. We are in a triad. I am the "new" person in the relationship with her and our bf. They were together for four years before we met. This is also a little bit of a rant. I have no one to talk to who really understands what this experience is like!

Long story short, we are all madly in love with each other. Sarah, though, is not comfortable giving Tom and I freedom when she is not around. What this means is that she wants to know everything we do, does not want us to be intimate when she is not there, and wants to know everything we talk about. She becomes agitated, and hurt when she finds out even the most mundane details that she was not privy to. I feel controlled by her. I feel stifled in this relationship, and I don't know how to talk to her.

I have communicated my feelings and she often misinterprets my message. She thinks it is all about wanting to have sex when she is not there. Yes, that is part of it, one small part of a larger picture. I try to tell her that I would like her to find joy in any love expressed between the three of us, even when she is not there, the way that I feel joy when they (sarah and Tom) get to express love. I don't think she understands how demeaning it feels to be controlled like this, how much it goes against who I am. She is also an EXTREME people pleaser, with a history of trauma. This makes me extremely apprehensive to express myself with her because she is very sensitive and I don't want to put pressure on her, or hurt her feelings, or coerce her into a situation she is not comfortable with. I basically, don't want to take advantage of her.

I have to say I am not a victim here. I entered this relationship knowing how Sarah is. I did not choose to fall in love with them, but I did choose to pursue a relationship with them. I am just having a hard time finding the balance between loving Sarah and wanting to accommodate her, but feeling like I am being compromised and suppressed. Then there is the added challenge of communicating this in an effective manner.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!!! :D

Thank you!

Ariakas 06-01-2011 02:23 AM

This isn't uncommon. Unfortunately in a triad you run into wo very distinct problems. When that love is never equal and two.. One person want to maintain triadic continuity. Meaning everything is about the triad instead of the individuals.

Te problem, or challenge is a triad is not one relationship. It's 4 relationships. The sooner everyone accepts and works within that knowledge the better.

The relationships are

This usually ends up happening when one person wants to hold onto their ideal. The original couple and the threesome only. Removing two potential and important relationships

The solution... Will the husband sit down and talk too. Can all three of you work through this. This isn't a you problem.. This is something you and the bf can work on with her..

Good luck..

Heavenzdesire 06-01-2011 12:54 PM

Gf / bf
That is so true, I found things go much smoother when I relised it not my hubby and I dating Google (gf). I now have two diffrent relationships, the one with hubby and the one with Google and they are diffrent and need diffrent things for them to work. As well as hubby having a relationship with me and a diffrent relationship with Google, again diffrent needs, diffrent situation. Also Google has the two relationships going both very diffrent and you can't compare any of them to each other. Sorry if i'm rammbling, i haven't had alot of sleep... hopefully you get what i'trying to say. Good night all!!

GroundedSpirit 06-01-2011 01:25 PM

Hi polycpl,

Well, there's no easy way out of this. I'd go out on a limb here and say that you are dealing with someone with a load of insecurity. You're mention of her trauma history reinforces this.
Insecurities take a lot of time and work to get through. And there's not a lot you can do to speed the process. About all you can do is try to get her to acknowledge this and make her own commitment to work hard on it. It's after all in her OWN best interest - nobody else's.
In the meantime you might mention that it's really quite impractical for multiple people to be so intimately involved in each other's lives that everyone is witness to and takes part in everything each other does. Think about that ! Get some perspective.
She needs to realize life is going to go on for each of your unique little bubbles. Places you will go, conversations you'll have, feelings you'll experience, good solid craps you'll take :) Everyone doesn't need to, nor should want to, be witness to it all :)

That of course will leave the sexual aspect.
That's it's own beast.
You'll either have to work towards building comfort being sexual in any pair or all agree to only have sex as 3sums. I think it will be apparent how unpractical that sounds too once you talk about it.
Reinforce that "ENVY" is normal but controllable. Sometimes people get/experience something someone else doesn't. And sometimes that swings our way. It's just how life flows.
Grin & bear it and be happy for the "other".


redpepper 06-02-2011 06:18 AM

Geez, I would get out personally. Unless it works to make one last ditch effort to say to her, "look, this is what I need to have... I love you, but I am not owned by you. Please look more deeply at your issues with this, because it is a concern of mine that this is going to consume your life as I break free and regain my freedom." I am skeptical it will work out after that, but it would be a last ditch effort.

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