Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Getting worse, not better (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10504)

LostSailor 05-31-2011 11:29 PM

Getting worse, not better
I apologize in advance for the length of this thread.

My wife, meyesekrit, is in a long-standing relationship with E, who is a friend of mine, too. E and I have our own things we go do (and we're both very straight, so that's not an issue). E and she have been together almost a year now.

She spends every Tuesday and Friday night at his house. It's getting harder and harder for me to cope with that time. The debilitating inability to think of other things, the knife stabbing my gut, the hard to breathe reaction. The thought of her naked and having sex with him is killing me.

I admit, when this started it was erotic and new, and I encouraged it. I'm very ADHD, and I don't anticipate consequences well. I also have long standing dependency issues - I will do anything for her.

Now, I've brought up this problem, and asked if she'd back off and not have sex unless I was there. She says it's not about the sex, I have other issues. She said she'd stop having sex with him, but she'd stop having sex with me, too. If she stops seeing him, she'd spend the night in a hotel. She said last night that she would move out if I did something to break up her and E.

Now, in her defense, I get very needy and clingy. That frantic dependency pushes her away. I know and admit I have issues to work through.

She says she's committed to me. She says she loves me. She shows that love and support daily (if only by putting up with me). She says she wants to live her life with me. Why can't my emotions be satisfied with that?

A year ago we were ready to end it. Her relationship with E has had huge benefits. We're closer now than ever. I feel more love and optimism for the future now. The pain motivates me to examine myself. I'm no good at it, but am trying to get in to see a therapist.

I don't understand what's going on. I shouldn't be afraid she'll leave me - she tells me that's not what she wants. I shouldn't be afraid she doesn't love me - she tells and hows me her love every day. I shouldn't be afraid of her comparing us - she admits E is far from perfect, that the two of them don't have near the relationship she and I have, and that she doesn't compare.

I just on't know why it hurts so much....

SNeacail 05-31-2011 11:40 PM


Originally Posted by LostSailor (Post 84120)
A year ago we were ready to end it.

So, at the time you were nearly ready to end your marriage she started another relationship with E. This actually says alot. Did you fix the things that were causing problem in the first place or did they get glossed over? It sounds like it's time to sit down and take a hard look at some of the issues you guys had a year ago. Stuff can seemingly be ignored for a while, but what it's really doing is building resentments.

What are you doing on the nights she is gone? Do you have things to do that are just for you?

Erosa 05-31-2011 11:46 PM

I have to agree with the above. Probably there is some underlying problem that has absolutely nothing to do with E.

Were there jealousy issues to begin with?

Were there sexual issues?

Were there communication issues?

Were there disagreements about life goals?

Were there pre-existing insecurity issues that came from other, past tense, relationship?

Any or all of these could be huge factors.

LostSailor 05-31-2011 11:55 PM

She said recently (last night) that she was ready to end it. I wasn't.

I can be irresponsible, to say the least. I don't clean the house. I don't do a good job at finances. She and I don't do a good job at finances. I was having health issues, and had fallen out of shape. She felt trapped financially, hated being in the house, and struggled with depression. She said we had the same fights over and over, and weren't growing.

Her time with E, and the pain I feel, has motivated me to look at myself more. I've become more aware, more considerate, and a better husband. She and I are much happier when we're together. She and I are both afraid that if she ends it with E I'll "feel safe" and revert to earlier behaviors. I don't want her to end it - I see these huge benefits. I just want to stop hurting!

Usually I cook for the kids, do a few chores, and spend a few hours examining the pain, thinking of the two of them together, and trying to figure out why it hurts and how to change my emotions. Sometimes I go hiking in the middle of the night, which is purely for me. I try to read, but often can't concentrate because of my feelings.

LostSailor 05-31-2011 11:59 PM


Originally Posted by Erosa (Post 84125)
I have to agree with the above. Probably there is some underlying problem that has absolutely nothing to do with E.

Were there jealousy issues to begin with?

Were there sexual issues?

Were there communication issues?

Were there disagreements about life goals?

Were there pre-existing insecurity issues that came from other, past tense, relationship?

Any or all of these could be huge factors.


She says it's issues that have nothing to do with E. When I'm not upset, I agree.

Jealousy issues - not really, when it was casual sex without a relationship.
Sexual issues - yes.
Communication issues - big yes.
Life goals - not really.
Existing insecurity - I didn't think so, but yes, in hindsight.

Erosa 06-02-2011 04:29 AM

Well, I think you are identifying problems and that is the first step to solving them.

I am curious about one other thing. I here about her nights out with E where it is them alone. Where are the nights out with you? You and she a primaries, yes? Then there should be a night each week that is JUST you and her (if possible). Relationships require work.

Maybe something you should ask her is if you and she can for now, subtract one night a week with E and add one with each other.

Would she be interested in trying this? Make it a "no problems allowed" night. Meaning no fighting, no discussing, not arguing, etc.

This is just an idea.

One distinct difference between her connection with you and her conne tion with E is that your connection comes with "real life" attached. And it may be that whAt you two need is a chance to just be a couple instead of two members of a family.

Again, this is just an idea. And i don't know if it is a viable option. But i hope that you can work this all out. :)

LostSailor 06-03-2011 05:10 AM


You hit the nail on the head a number of times. I don't want to ask her to delete a night, because I really don't think "my issues" are grounded in reality - I think I'm creating, subconsciously, these "problems" to get something (though I don't know what). We did, however, just spend an absolutely fabulous evening, both apart and together. First, I have a standing activity with E (we're both into firearms and military history, so we go shooting twice a week), so she took the time to go out to dinner with our daughter. Much needed mom/girl time. I shot horribly, but E and I hadva good time. Then, she and I laid in bed and just talked - no jealousy, accusations, blame, anger - just laughed, told stories, talked about Zen (which I drifted away from), talked about E and her from a compassionate place, and talked about things she and I want to do together.

She's spending Saturday night with E, and I'm going to work out and then do something else for my enjoyment. Sunday she and I are going to E's to hang out and maybe have a threesome (which, btw, gives me no problems).

I'm in a much better place now. I still need to work on my issues, but it helps tremendously to realize I really am ok the way I am. I just want to break some bad emotional habits. :-)

Edit: oh, and she and I have a date tonight.

redpepper 06-03-2011 05:47 AM

Oh the ol' not hangin' out thing... ya, we have suffered from that too sometimes. Sometimes hubby and I make laundry night a date night by making tea and just talking as we fold. We get a lot done! Sometimes it is really just a matter of slowing down and just being together.

TheBlackSwede 06-03-2011 06:02 AM

I definitely am with those encouraging you to do some things just for you. She has her loves, you need yours too, whether that's another woman, or an entirely engrossing hobby, either way, I think you should look for some things just for you. Maybe a night off away from her, away from the kids, etc. She has her nights, maybe you need it too. Maybe instead of just hiking, bivy for a night. For me, sleeping in nature really helps hit the "reset" button.

Best of luck man, there are a lot of great threads and amazing experiences to learn from on this site. You've come to the right place.

MrMrsDominant 06-04-2011 09:27 AM

Wow, a triad if issues. I'd have to ask what sort of relationship this is? An open marriage? She dates others? What do you do? Maybe you need to find a girlfriend to spend time with as she does?

Never would I let someone put ultimatums on my relationship, that's a deal breaker. Previous marriage issues but all is well as long as she can see him? wouldn't every relationship be splendid if you could stay married and date others to satisfy your needs?

It sounds like your in a serious emotional wreck trying to maintain a relationship by letting her date him. And when you ask her to stop she threatens you.

To me this only says the relationship is over and she is staying with you for financial support and the kids. Regardless of what she says.

I haven't heard that the 3 of you do anything together, so it seems as if she is doing your buddy and having her cake too. What you need to do is get your act together and figure out what the hell it is you want, build up your self confidence and stop letting her manipulate you.

Just my 2 cents without looking too deep into it.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:28 PM.