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-   -   just thinking out loud (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1050)

TheMountainBoy 10-27-2009 04:02 PM

just thinking out loud
 
Been with my Fiancé for almost 6 years, I've been trying to be polyamorous for about a year now and known my Fiancé always been interested in seeing others.
She cheated on me with a guy 'M' a while back, and she pushed for to continue seeing him whilst with me. I didn't want to lose her so acceopted but was very unhappy for teh duration. After they split we decided to try polyamoury (I did this so she wouldn’t cheat on me again as I didn't want to lose her) and that I realised I liked other women and still was in love with my Fiancé.

She has tried to see a few people but it not really worked out for a few reasons, but she now seeing a guy 'R' and is happy with both him and me. I'm happy for her and I think the guy is cool. But she says she still in love with the guy 'M' she cheated on me with and is eventually going to see him again.
I'm not ok with this and said I’d leave her if she did. She said if I loved her then I’d be ok with this as it's a new start and they will be honest with me this time round.

I've tried to see a few people but been hurt in process. One women keepign me at arms length saying her partner not comfortable with the whole thing which i'm tryign to respect. Startign to think women don't want to share or i'm doign somethign wrong

Am I in the wrong in my reaction? I'm ok with her seeing other people - just not him 'M' because if what he represents and that she almost left me for him.

I wanted to physically hurt him, but realise now that’s the wrong attitude and I’m just not willing to ruin my life for the likes of him.

I thought Polyamoury was about trust and everyone involved being ok and happy with new people being brought into the fold. I thought it was about honesty and respect of your other partner’s feelings.

I’m stuck between hating the guy and trying to deal with my feelings so my Fiancé can be happy, or my fiancé being unhappy so I can be happy or less worried of him ‘M’ being involved.

So I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m ok being poly but not with ‘M’ in the picture.


Just needing to vent so sorry for wasting your time

TheMountainBoy 10-27-2009 04:15 PM

have i put this in the wrong section?

Gem 10-27-2009 05:14 PM

Hi there Mountain Boy! You aren’t wasting anybody’s’ time. You are looking for feedback and answers. There is NOTHING wrong with that.

I can see why you are reluctant to accept “M” re-entering your life. Clearly his involvement with your fiancé doesn’t hold the fondest of memories for you. I think that’s understandable when your first encounter with him was one of deceit and mistrust.

You’ve clearly opened your mind up to polyamory, as you seem to be okay with “R” being in your lives. It appears that it’s only “M” you have an issue with (understandably).

Okay, first and foremost, you need to let go of your hate for “M.” It’s only going to eat you up inside. Instead, work toward being willing (and able) to talk about how you feel about him and your fiancé and WHY you’re uncomfortable with him re-entering your lives (and what, if anything, might make you more open to allowing him back into your lives). That’s more productive, and it won’t give you an ulcer.

I think issuing ultimatums is the absolute worst way to obtain what you both want (you saying you’d leave her if she saw “M” again, and her pulling the “if you really love me, you’d let me do what I want” card). Nor do I think that her declaring that she “is eventually going to see him again” as beneficial to YOUR relationship (particularly knowing how you feel about it).

She needs to understand that if she really loves and cares about you, she needs to take your feelings into consideration. And you need to understand that, if she really does love this guy, she can’t just turn those feelings off. Perhaps TRYING to ease back into things with “M” might be the way to go. Maybe you can agree that he can try to SLOWLY re-enter your lives (example: having dinner, TALKING among the three of you, etc.). Once you become more comfortable (IF that happens), then their relationship can possibly go to the next level. Perhaps you could try to give this guy another chance if he really does mean that much to your fiancé. But you all need to work together on this. She can’t just go off and do whatever (or whomever) she wants, completely disregarding your feelings. And “M” needs to understand and respect YOUR position in your relationship with your fiancé and respect the boundaries. I think the three of you sitting down and having MULTIPLE discussions, trying to get to know each other better, figuring out what you all want from this, and also expressing your frustration and mistrust (as well as working on solutions for this) is the only way everybody MIGHT be happy. (At least it’s a positive aspect that your fiancé has said that they’ll be honest with you this time around.)

Just my two cents.

As a sidenote, I don’t think she’s really being fair to “R” if she is focused on eventually reconnecting with “M”. But I could be misreading this.

Good luck! (And BIG HUGZ...sounds like you need 'em!)

MonoVCPHG 10-27-2009 05:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMountainBoy (Post 10189)

She has tried to see a few people but it not really worked out for a few reasons, but she now seeing a guy 'R' and is happy with both him and me. I'm happy for her and I think the guy is cool. But she says she still in love with the guy 'M' she cheated on me with and is eventually going to see him again.
I'm not ok with this and said I’d leave her if she did. She said if I loved her then I’d be ok with this as it's a new start and they will be honest with me this time round.

I think your future wife would do well to honour and respect the man who loves her enough to see past the original deception and breaking of trust. She is flat out lucky not to be out on her ass.

You have opened your heart to her having other lovers and even embraced her other relationship. If she is too blinded by her own "want" and seeks to resume a relationship with the man who she broke your heart with, then I fail to believe she loves you. Some relationships are tarnished permanently by hurtful beginnings and trying to force that upon someone you "love" speaks volumes about what they are on the inside.

She is very lucky my friend. Very lucky indeed.

Stick to your guns my friend.

MonoVCPHG 10-27-2009 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMountainBoy (Post 10189)
After they split we decided to try polyamoury (I did this so she wouldn’t cheat on me again as I didn't want to lose her) and that I realised I liked other women and still was in love with my Fiancé.

I just re-read this and am a little disturbed by this comment. This is not meant to point fingers or offend but to point out an issue with how people can aproach poly and the visual impact it has on the entire concept.

You did this so she wouldn't cheat on you again? Basically you've turned polyamory into what a lot of non-poly people see it as...a license to cheat. This should never be the motivation to live a poly lifestyle.

I'd seriously consider having a very long engagement and not rushing into marrying her. I do hope it all works out though.

Take care

violet 10-27-2009 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 10196)
I think your future wife would do well to honour and respect the man who loves her enough to see past the original deception and breaking of trust. She is flat out lucky not to be out on her ass.

You have opened your heart to her having other lovers and even embraced her other relationship. If she is too blinded by her own "want" and seeks to resume a relationship with the man who she broke your heart with, then I fail to believe she loves you. Some relationships are tarnished permanently by hurtful beginnings and trying to force that upon someone you "love" speaks volumes about what they are on the inside.

She is very lucky my friend. Very lucky indeed.

Stick to your guns my friend.

I feel very much the same way. I'm sorry you've found yourself in such a situation, my friend! A past relationship of mine went very, very wrong after she told me that it was basically either let her see other men, or she was going to cheat on me and I could take it or leave it.

I decided to let her see other men, but I was very resentful and hurt by it - it, in the end, destroyed a lot of what we had. If this is how you feel about M (and it sounds to me like she's basically telling you that she plans to see him again whether you like it or not, she's just looking for validation because she "told you" before she did it. Pfft. I have plenty of nasty things to say about that but I'll refrain.), you NEED to stick to your guns.

Hell, even with my fiance, HMA - he and his ex (I'll call her S) were still sort of seeing each other, and fucking, at the start of our relationship. I thought I could be okay with it, but eventually after a couple times, realized it wasn't going to work - and let him know that he could have ANY other woman on the planet, except S. The circumstances surrounding the end of their relationship, and the beginning of ours was just too much for me to handle.

HMA respected this - he understood the freedoms being given, and could understand and see my POV on WHY it was bothering me. He loved me, respected me, and moved forward. It's not quite the same situation, but it's close and I think the feelings were similar. There was a conversation about HMA and S' relationship, how things were very sexually based and how it was hard for them to be alone in a room together without it kind of "happening". I made it clear that he was a grown man, and she a grown woman - and both needed to respect the relationships of the other and get it through their heads that hormones weren't an excuse. He, like I said, respected this and dealt with his feelings toward her another way, and has made a LOT of progress moving on.

Anyway - I rant. I wanted to let you know I see where you're coming from, and while ultimatums aren't a good thing - I think you're justified in this case. Your fiance is LUCKY, like Mono said. Stick to your guns, man!

LovingRadiance 10-27-2009 07:39 PM

Might I suggest you send this basic story in a personal message to Maca and ask for his thoughts?
I'm his wife-and I cheated on him and my third is that man.
I'm NOT saying you should compromise your principals or that your wrong-not at all.
In fact I daresay Maca would agree with you.


BUT I also think he may have some GREAT info and suggestions for you.
The reason I say pm him is that he rarely has time to dig through the boards-but if you pm him I know he would respond and having been in your shoes-he would be more helpful then I.

Good luck.

Fidelia 10-27-2009 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMountainBoy (Post 10189)
She cheated on me with a guy 'M' a while back . . .

That's when I would have been out the door. Not because of any sexual contact, but because of the DECEIT and DISLOYALTY involved.

Also: because she got away with it the first time, you can expect it to happen again. Not necessarily the sexual infidelity, but the deceit and disloyalty. IMO, it's not a question of whether, it's a question of when. So prepare yourself.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. Really, I am. And if you choose not to accept this hard truth, I won't argue the point. And I truly hope your case is the exception to the rule. But I've seen it happen too many times, to myself and many others.

I earnestly wish you the very best. Good luck to you and yours.

LovingRadiance 10-27-2009 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fidelia (Post 10232)
That's when I would have been out the door. Not because of any sexual contact, but because of the DECEIT and DISLOYALTY involved.

Also: because she got away with it the first time, you can expect it to happen again. Not necessarily the sexual infidelity, but the deceit and disloyalty. IMO, it's not a question of whether, it's a question of when. So prepare yourself.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings. Really, I am. And if you choose not to accept this hard truth, I won't argue the point. And I truly hope your case is the exception to the rule. But I've seen it happen too many times, to myself and many others.

I earnestly wish you the very best. Good luck to you and yours.

Fidelia-
No disrespect intended (or taken) BUT,
This is a common attitude-and so hurtful to those of us who HAVE learned out lesson.

It's true-level of probability says she will be deceitful and disloyal again.

BUT many a person has accomplished the impossible and proven that the improbable can happen.

Fidelia 10-27-2009 08:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 10233)
Fidelia-
No disrespect intended (or taken) BUT,
This is a common attitude-and so hurtful to those of us who HAVE learned out lesson.

It's true-level of probability says she will be deceitful and disloyal again.

BUT many a person has accomplished the impossible and proven that the improbable can happen.

LR: No disrespect intended or taken on my part either. But I stand by my opinion.

I am delighted that you/Maca/C are the exception to the rule, and you will never hear me argue against a married couple working to stay together, except in abusive situations. But I know, or at least have some idea, from your posts here how long and hard y'all worked to get to the place you're in now. If the OP had stated how remorseful and repentant his fiance ( NOT his wife, at least not yet) had been, and how hard she had worked to rebuild trust between them, and how committed she was to restoring the relationship she had violated, or how they had worked together to find a situation where everyone involved was healthy, happy and supported, my opinion and therefore my response would have been very different indeed.

From what the OP writes, that is not the case at all. I agree with Mono when he said the fiance wants to use polyamory as a license to cheat. Not honest, direct, or loving. Not right.


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