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-   -   Coping with sharing your wife sexually (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10475)

poobah123 05-31-2011 03:45 AM

Coping with sharing your wife sexually
I'm am a 37 year old man in a poly relationship. My wife and I are in a relationship with another married couple. While I have been pro-poly for only the past 10 months my wife is only 1 month into her relationship.

The problem is her relationship has become very physical and I am having the worst time dealing with it. I feel hurt, sad, angry, betrayed, disgusted and sometimes repulsed by her actions even though I allow them. One part wants to make her happy and the other part is just sick. Enough to make me re-think this poly lifestyle.

How do I cope with these emotions?

ps. for some background, my wife was very close minded person with serious emotional issues. Since this all started the 3 of us have helped her come out of her shell. She is discovering herself sexually and emotionally. for example, I finally convinced her to try a vibrator and she recently masturbated for the first time in her life! she is 38. she now is friendly and has friends.

Thanks for any insight.

nycindie 05-31-2011 04:28 AM

It sounds like the experience has been good for her. What is it that you fear the most? I say "fear" because your reaction is quite extreme, especially after "allowing" this relationship. You share things that you own; you do not own your wife. Poly is about love, not just sex, and love is expansive. Don't you want the people you love to be happy and free? Have you and this other couple been too focused on the physical and not enough on building loving relationships? Is this disgust based on attachment and possessiveness, or a feeling that what she is doing makes you less of a man or husband? Turn it around - What about what you do? Aren't you sexual with the other couple yourself? Should she be disgusted at that? Or want you to feel satisfaction and freedom? Do you have a double standard when it comes to what is allowable for a man and a woman in a couple? I think you have to dig deep to get underneath the reactions you are having and see where they are coming from in order to "deal with" them.

poobah123 05-31-2011 04:45 AM

The whole experience thus far has been mostly emotional and much less physical. She really has gotten a huge amount of support from myself and the other couple. They are like family to us now.

Yes I tell myself I want all those things and yes I am physical with the other woman. I am not concerned about my wife having feels at all. It's just that I seem to have a hang up about sex wit her and another man.

I've been digging. I think you made a great point. "Is it a double standard?" I think my upbringing, societal influence and her previosly being so close minded that I never once considered her "wanting" another man sexually.

Obviously for me, as a man, I have always wanted more physical action. Especially since I have only been with my wife. I need to change my programming.

Thanks for responding. This has been one of the most difficult hings I have dealth with in my life.

nycindie 05-31-2011 05:03 AM

I had a very wise teacher who used to say, "We live in the atmosphere of our beliefs. If you don't like the air you're breathing, change your beliefs."

Self-examination isn't always easy. Have compassion for yourself and your wife as you keep examining your responses to things. See if, when you have a reaction, you can step back from it and notice where it's coming from. There is a difference between feelings that rise in us organically, out of our sensitivities (like grief, for example), which have an ebb and flow, and the kinds of emotional reactions we create from our thoughts and obsess on.

The more you can get familiar with your thought process, the easier it becomes to identify patterns of thinking that spark certain emotional reactions. It takes practice to live in the moment and not give way to "stinking thinking." I would say, if these feelings of disgust, anger, or betrayal emerge again, don't focus on her and what she's up to, but rather on yourself and your internal process, kind of like a scientist observing. Just go, "Hmm, now what am I feeling here? Why am I having this reaction? What do I get out of feeling this way?" and so on. It truly does help in understanding yourself and how you relate to others if you can unravel your thinking rather than follow the thoughts on a roller coaster ride of angst and drama.

SNeacail 05-31-2011 05:54 AM

Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, you had to deal with all the emotional and sexual baggage and now others are benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month, maybe things are moving a little too fast.

poobah123 05-31-2011 02:15 PM


Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 83978)
Is it possible that you are feeling a bit "cheated" since she has begun unlocking her sexuality, you had to deal with all the emotional and sexual baggage and now others are benefiting? You said that she has only been on board for one month, maybe things are moving a little too fast.

Yes absolutely. I feel hurt. Like how can you make me wait 20 years for one of my fantasies and then turn around and give it to him in 4 weeks! I agree things are moving too fast. I sent her an email saying that this morning. I understand though that she was "in the moment" and excited but nonetheless it hurts.

We both did not talk enough of what was allowed and not allowed. She was with him Sunday morning and I thought I was agreeing to some quiet time and some kissing but I found out it went way beyond that. It was both our faults.

I am trying to reflect on my emotions and why they are there. I guess it will take time.

nycindie 05-31-2011 03:11 PM

Hmm, yes, reflection, but also establishing boundaries seems to be the order of the day for you. And when you discuss boundaries, make sure everyone's on the same page in understanding them, by repeating back what was said and asking for how everyone defines specific words and concepts. Maybe some things were just never very clear to all involved.

I might add, however, be careful that you're not attempting to slow things down "on purpose," as a way to control, know what I mean? Make sure that what you ask for is about meeting comfort levels and feeling on equal ground -- NOT retaliation for the turmoil you've put yourself through. Not saying that you are or would be doing that, but it's something to watch out for. Remember, you may still need to make some compromises, and boundaries can be renegotiated.

poobah123 06-01-2011 02:18 PM

Yes totally agree. I am not going to do that.

We had a talk last night. I told her how I felt hurt that she should have thought about me and taken things slow. She knew I was not totally comfortable with things. The problem was she performed three big things to him and one of which was something I wanted to leave between us. It was my fault I did not communicate this to her and I admitted that.

She then started feeling "slutty" because she did so much. She got all upset and was crying. I eventually calmed her down. I told her it's a double standard with men and women and she shouldn't feel like that. It was with someone she loves and someone I trust and approve of. I think she is coming to grips with it.

To be honest, I really wanted to end this all. Right now it just makes me so uncomfortable that I am willing to end my physical relationship with my OSO. In the end, I decided that I would fight through these feelings. Making her happy is my main concern. Obviously if 6 months goes by and I can't come to grips with it then fine I will deal with it then. Until then I want to try and deal with these emotions.

Ariakas 06-01-2011 03:01 PM

You may need to come to grips that she is coming into her own sexual revolution of sorts. She is doing things with others because she is doing better. Revell in her doing better instead of the timing of how she is doing things with him. :)

Is this "doing better" part of your relationship too? Is she now sexually more available for you as well?

Stop looking at what was and look to the future. Sounds like things are going well.. be happy she is happy and happy with you too.. :)

poobah123 06-01-2011 07:26 PM

Yes this is sharing her new found sexuality with me. I guess after waiting 18 years for things it would only be with me.

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