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-   -   Break-up Styles (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10442)

ray 05-30-2011 05:58 AM

Break-up Styles
Break-ups seem to be rough no matter how you do them and sometimes they can be pretty devastating. I'm curious to hear how people view break-ups. Is there a way that you typically do it? Ie, remain friends, remain civil, cut off contact, move across the country? Do you think there's a right or wrong way? Maybe a better way? Did you ever feel guilty for cutting some one out of your life? Do you think that polyamory affects your breakups? Can you compare a poly break up to one while you were still mono? Does how you react/structure the future interaction depend on whether you were the one who ended it?

BlackUnicorn 05-30-2011 01:27 PM

I am anti-processing. The way I see it, I'd rather leave a wound to heal and scar than pick it open constantly by re-visiting the issue of 'Why did it have to end'. I really am not in the mood post-break up to share any painful emotions with the person I have broken away from, or to let them see how badly affected I am. I rather go away and hide and cry to my friends.

An ex-boyfriend broke up with me and still kept calling every day and talking about everyday, inconsequential things. I had to tell him to stop, via text - couldn't deal with telling it straight on the phone. It just felt really weird - if you are still calling everyday, how exactly has our relationship changed?

With poly? If my current triad broke up into a vee, I probably couldn't deal. I know, I know, every relationship is unique, but post-break up, I tend to try avoiding things that remind of the person I've lost, you know?

Interested32 05-30-2011 02:02 PM

I have been the break uppee and the break upper.

I usually like to fill out how the other or others think things are going. I was going out with a person and asked how they feel about how our relationship was doing the person was grateful since I opened the topic and found that both of us felt more friendship than romance and decided to just be friends. We are still friends too. I been in a relationship where they felt it was going no where and decide they did not want to continue and broke up with me by text. I was more upset with the way they did it. If they were honest and said in a conversation and I am not feeling it I would be more receptive than out the blue.

I go with the saying treat others the way you wish to be treated. How would you respect a certain way of being broken up with it works for all relationships.

MonoVCPHG 05-30-2011 10:38 PM

If some one wanted to dump me I would just need to hear four words "this is not working". I don't need to know why. Details aren't my thing. When someone looks at a person and asks "why"...what they are really saying is "tell me what I can do to keep you".

When breaking up with someone in the past I tried to point out the positives for her. I didn't focus on "what was wrong" but focussed on what was now possible.

Erosa 05-30-2011 11:26 PM

Breaking up is always hard no matter how it happens.

I have had to break up from both of the supposed triangles I was in because they were rapidly becoming Vees with me as the hinge. 0_0 not something I am up for.

When I break up with someone I cut ties for about 6-9 months. Then, if they want to be friend, I am interested in that. But many want to rekindle and then I have to leave them be. I do my best not to go back to relationships that I know failed.

nycindie 05-31-2011 12:25 AM

I don't actually remember very many of my past break-ups, they were so long ago. The ones that stand out most on my mind had some drama attached to the break-up, I guess. Before I got married, lots of the relationships I had just ended by kind of... fizzling out. We would just stop calling or seeing each other as much until we just... stopped. As far as whenever I've had to break it off with someone, I've just always tried to keep it simple, and I hate being asked for reasons or to give long explanations. Now, my recent breakups, since being separated, I do recall - and initially I've felt hurt and disappointed, and indulged in a bit of melodrama (email break-up??!! Puh-leeez!), but I'm finding that I can reach a certain place of objectivity fairly soon after, which surprises me.

Ariakas 05-31-2011 02:46 AM

I guess I am the odd man out. I want to know why? I ask questions and I fight my ass off for a relationship. If I think it is worth it, I work at it ( I will respect a "don't bother trying" however ) I have a hard time just say "ya ok, it's over, great let's be friends" .. That's not in the cards for me. I can't just "stop" kudos to those of you who can. During a breakup i am a bit of a wreck.. Questioning everything.. My brain and heart take a mutually inclusive shit.. Util things settle down anyways..

To someone who said they wait a long time, become friends, and if any romantic inkling occurs you back off. What happens if they have changed? In a period of time lots can happen and the relationship may work under a new umbrella. I could never completely write off a relationship... You just never know.

redpepper 05-31-2011 07:01 AM

I'm with you Ari. Once in my heart, always in my heart. I fight for all I can get out of the end of a romantic relationship. Its served me well too. It has been well worth it :)

ray 05-31-2011 11:58 PM

I think I'm with Ari and RP. I can't just turn it off and I do want to know why. I think maybe if it was a really brief thing, like under 2 months, I might not need much of an explanation to feel closure. I think if you've been serious with someone it's only considerate to give them an honest explanation, even if it's as simple as "I no longer have feelings for you." I think most of us can tell when some one is feeding us a line of bullshit and it's pretty disrespectful and demeaning in my opinion.

And it is really hard, I've found, for me to be around someone that I have romantic feelings for when it's just platonic. It takes a long time for that to subside in my heart. I like the idea of taking 6-7 months off and then going from there.

Sometimes it can be good to know because it can help you improve and grow. And in our culture, it's pretty commonplace for people to be really passive/aggressive and hold in their issues and then one day just bolt because they were really unhappy. If they had said why, maybe it could have been solved?

There's also a continuum between cutting off ties/no explanations and someone not letting go/texting/contacting some one all the time wanting to talk about it. I like to think there can be healthy discussion about it without going over board.

I just can't wrap my brain around being close friends with my ex. The feelings are way too raw and that was back in February. Not to mention how shitty it ended. Some one recently said something like... If someone treats you like shit in a relationship, then why would you expect them to be a good friend to you?

Somegeezer 06-01-2011 09:13 AM

I have only ever had one break up that went well. It was one of those "I have no feelings for you". I was the one ending it too. We both agreed it wasn't working and it just ended. We talk here and then, but not often.

As for every other relationship to end, I have been a complete mess and at times, made things worse. Where I could have salvaged a friendship, I have completely destroyed everything. It's not my most proud of times.

I think every break up is as different as the relationship it is for though. I have no experience of a poly break up though and hope I don't have to. But I suppose it is bound to happen one day.

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