An update: How I got to NYC and the situation now.
It's been awhile since I've been active on here so I figured maybe a status update to get me back into posting might be in order... I've gone through some crazy life changes in the past few months, it's so overwhelming and longwinded to talk about that I've often opted to just keep everything to myself because talking about one thing tends to lead to talking about a bunch of other tangentially related things.
So anyway, rewind back to what my situation was in May of this year.
Relationship wise, married to Husband and dating in a loving but not terribly serious fashion a fellow I'll call Dino. The dynamic was a vee with me at the hinge, and we all had the freedom to date others if we chose to. Husband and I were living in New Hampshire, Dino was 45 minutes away in Boston. I was working from home as a contractor for a division headquartered in New York City, and struggling because of the lack of structure. Husband was dissatisfied with his job and depressed because of it, and was beginning to look for work elsewhere... and applied to work where Dino works.
A friend from California who had gone to college in NYC decided that he was going to celebrate his 30th birthday party there, and since I could expense trips to NYC because I could turn a pleasure trip into a work trip, I decided to go to the birthday party and spend the week after to work. I'd been on week long NYC trips before, but there was something decidedly different about this one... It was the first trip to the city where I didn't feel totally lost, like I was beginning to fit in when I came... and at the end of the week, I did NOT want to leave and go back to NH. I suddenly felt extremely inspired to move to NY.
Part of what happened to make me desire to move to NY a lot stronger, in retrospect, was kinda the feminine equivalent of thinking with the wrong head though... One of the things that happened on the trip was I met up with a former coworker, JD. In my line of work, telecommuting is extremely common, so often in my professional life there are people that I interact with every day that I've never met in person or only have met a few times... JD and I had worked together at three different companies, but had never met in person... so when he had just barely moved to the city and I was there to visit, we decided that we were long overdue to go out for a drink together. There was a significant amount of attraction and the night didn't end with drinks.
So I went back to NH with a desire for some stability in my work life and a mad crush on a curly haired boy to find Husband beside himself with envy. He was upset that I got to go have an amazing time in NY and party the whole week and he was stuck in boring NH working. The situation caused me to snap... SOMETHING, ANYTHING had to change. So, the ultimatum was given... we needed to move and he needed to find a new job.
During the trip to NY, Dino was working to set up Husband with an interview with the company he works for outside of Boston... and one was scheduled after I came back. I was leaning hard toward moving to NY, but I wanted to give Husband the chance to get this job... and obviously I wasn't terribly against the idea of moving to Boston-area because I'd be closer to Dino. So, the decision of where to move hinged on if he got the job there... and he didn't.
New York it was. We couldn't afford to move down all at once... Moving to NY is expensive... For most apartments, you need to be prepared with what equates to three months rent... and I certainly didn't have that in the bank... so we decided that the best course of action would be for me to move down to NYC first, sublet for a few months, work, and get my bearings and then decide how we were going to finish the job.
In the middle of June, I moved into a subletted room which was around the corner from where JD was living. Since JD was the most geographically convenient friend, we spent a lot of time together over the summer. We were sexually involved the first week I was in town, but we decided ultimately it would probably be better if we weren't... especially considering that the move was causing a significant amount of stress on my relationship with Husband, and JD wasn't feeling particularly comfortable with the entire situation... He's monogamously wired and while he's been supportive of my polyamorous lifestyle, he finds it confusing and hard to relate to.
The dynamic that developed between JD and I over the summer was what I'd categorize as being somewhat bizarre... He began to fall into that grey area that isn't just a friend but also isn't a partner but might have been if I'd been single... There were definitely some patterns that developed in our friendship that felt less friend-like and more partner-like... and since he was the person I spent the most time with, he ended up becoming a confidant about some of the stress I was experiencing with Husband... which was emotionally triggering to him because he had just gone through a divorce and some of the behavior patterns that I was stressed out about coming from Husband were one's that his ex-wife had displayed... so even before JD and Husband were introduced, JD had a pretty bad impression of Husband. (In retrospect, I wish I'd just not talked about it with him... but water under the bridge at this point).
In August, JD moved to a new apartment and Husband and I started looking for our own... and the one we found we liked was right around the corner from... guess who? JD. The apartment wouldn't be ready until the middle of September, so we had to sublet from a mutual friend of mine and JD's for a few weeks.
Meanwhile, my relationship with Dino began to wind down and take on new form. We came to the mutual decision that the divergence of our paths meant that we weren't meant to be together in any official capacity. So, officially we broke up... In practical matters, our relationship hasn't really changed from what it's always been. Close friends with benefits. We just don't see each other much because of the distance now, and I imagine that eventually he'll probably wind up in a monogamous relationship with someone.
In the middle of September, Husband and I moved into our new apartment.. which brings me to my current situation. Husband and I are mostly getting along, but there's a significant amount of stress due to him being unemployed and having self-esteem issues regarding looking for a job. One thing that's come to light a lot recently is that we also have very little in common when it comes to going out and doing stuff, so we tend to not spend a lot of quality outside the apartment fun time together, and since he doesn't have much of a sex drive, we don't often have that as a way to spend quality time with each other either. JD lives around the corner, we have a lot of the same go out and do stuff interests, and we like to spend time together.
Trouble is, Husband and JD do not get along very well and while they will be polite to each other if the three of us happen to do something together, it's an awkward and uncomfortable experience which results about one bitching about how awful and moody the other is and how they can't understand why I spend time with the other behind the other's back. This tension is killing me, and I know there's nothing I can really do about it... Husband hasn't gotten to a point where he's gone out and made his own friends really, so he's pretty lonely. If I spend too much time with JD (which is easy because JD and I have so much in common), Husband starts to feel jealous and gets his feelings hurt when JD invites me to things and not him... and I'm finding it really hard to find the balance.
Also, I feel like things are strained and awkward between JD and I because I'm still rather crushy, and I'm trying to work through that because I'd much rather be just a good friend... and I feel very conflicted on what needs to be communicated to him and what doesn't... Because I'm polyamorous, I tend to err on the side of the more communication the better, but I sometimes wonder if that's how I ought to be handling things in this case. Which I guess brings me to the question I keep coming back to... How is communication between partners different than communication between friends? What's the best way to communicate about personal boundaries with a friend who's monogamous and not terribly familiar about the concept of explicitly setting them?
Gee, I don't know how to answer your question. I enjoyed reading your post though.
The whole issue seemed to me more like, "How do you handle it when your husband and your boyfriend don't like each other?"
Do different people who are involved with the same mutual partner HAVE to like each other in order for it to work (presuming that there is respect all around)?
Seriously hoping this question doesn't offend and really this is not my business.
Niikkiana, I am curious as to what is the thing that keeps you and your husband together?
The issue of communication has little to do with someone being monogamous. I'd say your best bet is just to swallow hard, sit your friend down and just tell him how it is. I almost think he might have a hope of being your "primary" partner from the sounds of it.
I tend to be of the opinion at the moment that the two partners in a vee don't necessarily need to get along, but I do think that it's helpful... but it also depends upon the people involved... I know that in my case, if my metamours get along, typically there's a lot less resentment floating about.
That's true.. the issue of communication doesn't have a whole lot to do with someone being monogamous and someone being polyamorous. I'm not entirely sure what I was trying to get at by saying that... other than maybe I'm afraid to talk to him because I'm a little fearing of judgement.
I don't think there's a lot of hope of JD ever becoming my primary. He's fairly clear on what he wants, a closed monogamous relationship... and the fact that I'm married puts me out of the running for that, and even if I were suddenly to become single, I'm not entirely sure I could settle down into a monogamous relationship anyway.
Thanks for answering, Nikkiana. Best wishes and I hope your hubby finds himself soon so you can move forward.
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