Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Hi from Carolina! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=104)

carolinapoly 03-15-2009 10:16 PM

Hi from Carolina!
 

Hi all! I'm Kelly and I'm new to this lifestyle. My significant other of 7 years and I are exploring this avenue. We are both having issues with jealousy, me more than him, and feeling left out. Any suggestions?

AutumnalTone 03-16-2009 05:09 PM

Welcome to the boards!

Jealousy tends to arise from a fear of loss. What, exactly, is it that you fear losing? The "exactly" in the question is the most important part, I think. You have to pinpoint the precise thing you fear losing to address it. A generic "I'm afraid I'll lose them" isn't exact enough.

When I had jealousy issues in years past, for instance, I wasn't afraid of losing the relationship. I was afraid that my partner at the time wouldn't spend as much time with me as I needed for a relationship. My fear was not having enough bonding time, and that might lead to losing the relationship eventually. I've heard others describe a fear of losing unique experiences, that a new person might get included in something that was formerly "our" activity (A and B do something that is "ours"--they don't do with anybody else--and the fear is that if A and C get involved, then A and B will no longer have that special activity to themselves).

What really helps things along is to figure out, exactly, what you need from the relationship, then negotiate boundaries that provide for those needs. Once you see/hear/feel exactly what it is you require, it's much, much easier to not worry about your partner's activities in the remaining areas. In other words, if you require some sort of close bonding three evenings a week to be satisfied, then knowing you'll still get that makes it easy to not worry about the other four evenings.

And remember that the process is ongoing. What's needed now isn't necessarily what will be needed in six months or six years from now. I don't require nearly as much time from partners as I did years ago, for instance.

carolinapoly 03-16-2009 10:25 PM

Thank You!
 
We spent some time this morning talking about what we both need. As it turns out you were right on the money...I was afraid with the new interest in his life, our time together would become non existent. We're looking at changing our schedules to allow more us time during the times we can spend on us. You're right its an ongoing process and a true learning experience for all of us. Thank you for taking the time to replay.

Olives 03-18-2009 04:32 AM

If you're having jealousy issues, (and I mean this out of genuine curiosity; I'm not trying to sound harsh in any way) what made you arrive at the decision to try a poly lifestyle? It seems sort of counter intuitive.


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:00 AM.