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-   -   Why Is it So Hard? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10372)

KellyBryan 05-27-2011 04:57 PM

Why Is it So Hard?
 
Why is it so hard to find single bi-female to join my husband and I :( We have been to met and greets in our area, we have several profiles on websites a facebook page and now here. Seems to me like there is only couples looking. Where are all the SWF?!?! Does anybody have any ideas that would be helpful. I would be MOST grateful!

Tia27 05-27-2011 05:34 PM

me too.
 
I havent found anyone interested in even talking with me. Ive only had my profile up for a 2 weeks but I am beging to think the internet wasnt the best idea. I m going to make more of a affort in my everyday life with talking to new people face to face. My husband and I are a couple also looking for a SWF but we are also open to another couple.

Ariakas 05-28-2011 03:20 AM

Well... the odds are against you. There are a lot of couples looking for their unicorn..

The reality is, its.. mythical for a reason.. there are lots of threads on here about the pitfalls of triads and why they are so hard to find etc.

Best of luck.. it ain't easy.

@ tia.. 2 weeks?.. there are people that are into years of searching. Patience is your best weapon methinks.

redpepper 05-28-2011 05:56 AM

I just wrote on another thread and will now go and copy/paste... as I will be repeating myself. :)

Really, in my belief, if something is not working then try something else... maybe go find your own partners and see how that goes.

Starting with what you said...

Quote:

Originally Posted by KellyBryan (Post 83505)
We're a loving FM couple and are very committed to each others happiness. We're looking to find someone to form a FMF triad with who we can both be equally involved with - an equilateral triangle kinda thing.

We're interested in getting to know someone with the possibility of adding a third person to our family (sounds like more what you are looking for too). We'd like to do the whole dating and falling in love x3 thing.

I guess you could say that we fall into the "unicorn hunter" box - but we dislike boxes a great deal. We're aware that in this crazy mixed up world it's rare to have found someone else that you can experience life so completely with as we have. We're hoping for lightening to strike twice.

What you seek is near to impossible to find, yet it seems to land on peoples doorstep sometimes when they least expect it. Usually without looking.

It's almost impossible to find someone that will love both of you equally and whom you will love equally. Sex, sure, no problem, even at the beginning during NRE the going is good until the person, that is the cause of your relationship structure to become a triad, realizes they prefer one over the other, usually the male. Or they feel like a third wheel or are really a secondary in the whole arrangement.

There is a ton of potential for failure in unicorn hunting... why? because usually the original couple has not grasped the fact that they need to stop acting as a unit in the search and start being independent.

It's kind of a dichotomy. The couple seems to find they are interested in building their relationship and so want to add a woman. The idea is to fulfil what they are missing in some way and that she will do this FOR them. The woman of course is to be fulfilled also as that is only fair, but when the chips are down, she will usually be secondary and therefore not achieve the same rights as the couple to love, caring, closeness, consideration etc.

So, its important for the couple to be independent in the relationship that develops, yet how can they do that if they don't act independently in their search and in their lives ahead of time...how can they come together when it actually happens. It is likely not going to be as is thought when there is a whole lot of independent minded people all in it together, rather than a whole bunch of co-dependent people... if that makes sense... co-dependent triads are a very rare find.

My suggestion for this? Be independent and find your own paths in life and love while walking side by side... if you should be lucky enough to have a unicorn fall on your lap then you will be glad you did... if not, work on a vee relationship dynamic and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion vee! ;)

I also suggest doing a tag search for "unicorns" and/or "secondary" "seocndaries" so as to see what others have written before you. There is a really good thread called "a secondarie's bill of rights" that might help... found by tag search for "secondaries"

KellyBryan 05-28-2011 09:18 PM

wow lots to read and think about, I spent hours on here last night just reading. I really want to have my cake and eat it too :( we from what I am reading if its meant to be it'll happen. Thanks all!

girluv4u 05-30-2011 02:05 AM

3rd wheel
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 83550)
I just wrote on another thread and will now go and copy/paste... as I will be repeating myself. :)

Really, in my belief, if something is not working then try something else... maybe go find your own partners and see how that goes.

Starting with what you said...

What you seek is near to impossible to find, yet it seems to land on peoples doorstep sometimes when they least expect it. Usually without looking.

It's almost impossible to find someone that will love both of you equally and whom you will love equally. Sex, sure, no problem, even at the beginning during NRE the going is good until the person, that is the cause of your relationship structure to become a triad, realizes they prefer one over the other, usually the male. Or they feel like a third wheel or are really a secondary in the whole arrangement.

There is a ton of potential for failure in unicorn hunting... why? because usually the original couple has not grasped the fact that they need to stop acting as a unit in the search and start being independent.

It's kind of a dichotomy. The couple seems to find they are interested in building their relationship and so want to add a woman. The idea is to fulfil what they are missing in some way and that she will do this FOR them. The woman of course is to be fulfilled also as that is only fair, but when the chips are down, she will usually be secondary and therefore not achieve the same rights as the couple to love, caring, closeness, consideration etc.

So, its important for the couple to be independent in the relationship that develops, yet how can they do that if they don't act independently in their search and in their lives ahead of time...how can they come together when it actually happens. It is likely not going to be as is thought when there is a whole lot of independent minded people all in it together, rather than a whole bunch of co-dependent people... if that makes sense... co-dependent triads are a very rare find.

My suggestion for this? Be independent and find your own paths in life and love while walking side by side... if you should be lucky enough to have a unicorn fall on your lap then you will be glad you did... if not, work on a vee relationship dynamic and be happy with it. There is nothing wrong with a good ol' fashion vee! ;)

I also suggest doing a tag search for "unicorns" and/or "secondary" "seocndaries" so as to see what others have written before you. There is a really good thread called "a secondarie's bill of rights" that might help... found by tag search for "secondaries"

youy just quoted my life

gwendolenthefair 05-30-2011 01:59 PM

KellyBryan, why do you assume there ARE a bunch of SWFs who are dying to have a relationship with a couple? Because you, and a million other couples, wish they existed?

We are living in a culture where it is programmed into every little girl, via Disney movies and the rest of our culture in general, that when she grows up she is going to meet her prince charming and get married and live happily every after.

Let's say your target single bisexual female is a bit more self-aware than many and actually manages to figure out that she's bisexual, at least a bit, and that nonmonogamy can be a valid choice for her.

So, at this point, she has two choices. Choice one, be in a monogamous relationship with someone else, which means she can have either a male or a female lover, but not both. In this scenario, if she chooses a male partner (or a female one in one of the rare places where gay marriage is legal), she can have a legal, socially acceptable marriage and all the rights and privileges that go with that.

Choice two, she can also find an open poly relationship and be free to love whomever she wishes, AND also have a legal marriage and all the rights and privileges that go with that.

But wait. There is also choice three. She can choose a polyfidelitous triad with a married or otherwise established couple. Nope, no legal marriage possible here, forget about having all the legal protections and property rights legal marriage offers. (Bi-female-seeking couples often say that contracts can be drawn up to give their partners some of the same benefits as legal marriage, but in five years of being poly, I have heard of exactly ONE couple who took the trouble to do this for their female partner.) Nope, no other partners possible, just the couple. The couple, like all their counterparts, say that their "third" would be an equal partner in the relationship right off the bat, but pardon me if I'm a bit skeptical about that, in a situation where the primary couple relationship is already an established thing. Our bi female will be expected to eventually move into THEIR house, which is already set up and decorated the way THEY want. Will she meet their friends and family members as their partner, or will she have to pose as a "roommate"? Depends on the couple and the situation. If they have children, she will be expected to love them and share in their upbringing, although if the triad breaks up, god only knows if she'll even ever get to see them again. Will the couple support her having children with the husband herself if she wants them? Maybe, maybe not, depends on the couple and the situation.

Still wonder why SWFs who want to date an existing couple, polyfidelitously, aren't exactly dropping from the trees?

There are other valid choices in polyamory for a couple with a bi female. They can date a bisexual woman who is already in another relationship or relationships. She might even be married, imagine that! I know some great married or otherwise seriously partnered bi women who would happily date a MF couple, but most couples won't even talk to them because they aren't single.

They can date another couple. They can date separately, any partners they click with. The woman might even choose a man. The man might even choose a straight woman who could be a good friend to his wife but nothing more. There is a lot more out there than unicorns. Love doesn't always come in the package you fantasize for yourself.

girluv4u 05-30-2011 04:20 PM

3rd wheel
 
thank you. what i want more then anything is respect, and not being left out of eveything, i was told one thing and shown another... i've talked to my partner and he either isn't listening or doesnt care too...
the way i see it i'm the one trying, the one who want the poly family. (and the only one of the woman who has kids) but for some reason, its not working out the way i was told it would.. its all about what the live in wants..

to me it should be equal across the board. I have other men too and i can tell you if one was feeling left out i would make sure he wasnt, not continue to disrequard his feelings and leave him out.. respect

one of my partners i have been with for over 6 yrs. i just started the poly relationship and i can tell you they both have equal respect, there is NO higher level just because i've been with one longer then the other

Magdlyn 05-30-2011 04:57 PM

Quote:

Why is it so hard?
That's what she said!

Sorry, someone had to say it. :p

Derbylicious 05-30-2011 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 83897)
That's what she said!

Sorry, someone had to say it. :p

I was right there with you :D


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