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-   -   Not enough? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10361)

Squibby 05-27-2011 10:53 AM

Not enough?
 
Bit of a rocky conversation with the bf =/ The 'am I not enough for you?' question came up, and I just don't know what to say to that.......

NeonKaos 05-27-2011 11:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Squibby (Post 83472)
Bit of a rocky conversation with the bf =/ The 'am I not enough for you?' question came up, and I just don't know what to say to that.......

I know it makes us sound like jerks when it is said like that, but basically that is correct. The thing is, it's not the end of the world unless one makes it so.

redpepper 05-28-2011 05:07 AM

love is abundant, not scarce... there is never enough and I don't intend to limit its possibility in my life. That's how I feel about it and what I say. This thread has a link to some thoughts on the whole abundance versus scarcity point of view. Maybe it will help. I'm sure there is more on line if you look. Maybe this link will help with the concept of abundance vs. scarcity in life

sage 05-29-2011 09:47 AM

Your b/f sounds mono. I totally agree with Redpepper and I experience that with my poly partner. He loves someone else as well as me and yet I feel more loved than I ever have in my life. Having said that I still get your b/f's words flashing into my head from time to time. They don't come up from any lack in reality but from my interior sense of lack.

The abundance of love is a great concept but what also helps me is thinking about things that are important to me apart from my partner. I love him intensely but I still need other things in my life to make me happy. When I was in a unhappy marriage I didn't think that would be the case. I thought that if I had the love of my life, nothing else would matter, but it does. Our love isn't enough to replace my need to do work I enjoy and is sustaining, or my need for other sustaining and enjoyable friendships. It helps me to put his need for his other love into this context.

thirstythirsty 05-29-2011 11:31 AM

Tricky question. Of course, it's easily turned around. Is my love not enough for you? You need exclusivity as well?

Anywho, Vonnegut wrote something fantastic on the subject..... *shuffles through library* It's from a speech he did, for graduating students at some college.
It's stuck with me.

"Let me beguile you just a little bit more about extended families. Let us talk about divorce, and the fact that one out of every three of us here has been or will be divorced. When we do it, we will very likely wrangle and wail and weep formlessly about money and sex, about treachery, about outgrowing one another, about how close love is to hate, and so on. Nobody ever gets anywhere near close to the truth, which is this: The nuclear family doesn't provide nearly enough companionship.

"I am going to write a play about the breakup of a marriage, and at the end of the play I am going to have a character say what people should say to each other in real life at the end of a marriage: 'I'm sorry. You, being human, need a hundred affectionate and like-minded companions. I'm only one person. I've tried, but I could never be a hundred people to you. You've tried, but you could never be a hundred people to me. Too bad. Good-bye.'

This was in 1974, and I'm sure it's more than 1/3 now. This is the best explaination to why my previos long-term relationship ended, and a large part of why I choose to live as a poly now.
It's not pretty words, not that useful in winning anyone over to your side. I tend to get "you'll always be enough for me", and never do I believe it. But it helps me to see why I live as I do, why it's right for me. Which helps me explain it to others.

Quath 05-31-2011 01:40 PM

My response to that question is to say that it is not about "enough" but about variety and extra happiness.

I try to relate it to parents who want another child. Was the first one not good enough? People don't see it that way. They see it as additional love and fun added to the family. You can say that it is analogous to a poly relationship.

If the child example does not work, you can try the idea of owning more than one pet. Or you can try to relate it to food where you have a favorite, but may want variety.

MonoVCPHG 05-31-2011 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by thirstythirsty (Post 83703)



This was in 1974, and I'm sure it's more than 1/3 now.

The divorce rate is less then 50% in the US and declining according to many sources. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/relea...0.html....just saying.

dingedheart 05-31-2011 03:44 PM

Quath....Are these examples you used with your partner(s). I know I wouldn't have responded well to being compared to a pet or a steak dinner. Thats just me. In fact I once said I don't share a car or pants or pet with my neighbor why would I want to with a spouse.

RP ...... how does time and attention factor into the abundance and scarcity mindset? If you come from a mono relationship and one spouse finds another relationship her love increases by the number of new partners....abundant. For the mono other partner their time attention and focus from spouse has to be become a fraction. 1/2 ...1/4....1/6 whatever it happens to be. From a time and attention point of view less abundant.

Sage What do you mean interior sense of lack? Or rather in what context?

Squibby 05-31-2011 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 84034)
The divorce rate is less then 50% in the US and declining according to many sources. http://www.census.gov/newsroom/relea...0.html....just saying.

That's still over a third, taking into account what I looked up (your link didn't work for me, perhaps because I'm in the UK), which said it was between 40 and 50 percent...

Hmmm I like your point about variety, Quath, and the example of parents wanting more than one child. Thanks!

Squibby 05-31-2011 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 84044)
Quath....Are these examples you used with your partner(s). I know I wouldn't have responded well to being compared to a pet or a steak dinner. Thats just me. In fact I once said I don't share a car or pants or pet with my neighbor why would I want to with a spouse.

OK, yeah pet not so much, but a child is a beloved member of the family, whether they're the first or the second or the third. I like Quath's variety argument, but not in the sense of whimsical variety (i.e. trying new recipes for the sake of it or something) but in the sense of adding a new dimension or element of fun and happiness and love to your life.


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