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-   -   Running through my head... #2 (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1033)

LovingRadiance 10-26-2009 12:53 AM

Running through my head... #2
 
I had this f'd up nightmare. Rape scene (details not needed it wasn't a fun kinky dream, it was a horror film in action).

Anyway-C & M were in the dream as the assailants and no amount of begging was getting through.

Dream not the point-

I woke up horrified that I dreamed it. Not WHAT happened in the dream (as some might expect) but THAT I could dream such a thing about these two wonderful men who love me so much and ALWAYS do whatever they can to take my needs/wants/desires into consideration.

I was humiliated and self-conscious and mad at myself because I felt like somehow I tainted them by even DREAMING it.

Now I am not a moron, I realize I was freaking asleep and it wasn't a "hmm wonder if" or whatever.

But I was upset. Upset enough to stay in my room alone for several hours because I didn't want to get up and get my cell and tell M good morning like I normally do, and I didn't want to look C in the face.

Yeah-so the morning starts with both of them thinking maybe I'm mad at them. Maca thinks maybe I'm so caught up in C that morning I forgot him (not even close) and C thinks maybe Maca was so upset when we went to bed that I decided to avoid seeing him before he went to work that day...

Ironically I'm the one who is usually on top of my emotions/fears/insecurities and supporting THEM with theirs. So it didn't really occur to either of them that just maybe I just freaked the hell out and it wasn't either of them that was having issues-but just me.

I texted Maca an apology and let him know I just had a bad dream and we could talk when he came home.
Then I got the balls to start telling C I had a bad dream, but the craw stuck in my throat after that sentence and I didn't elaborate.
Of course both of them were apologetic and reassuring and told me they were here for me.

Later that afternoon Maca came home (C was at work by then) with a BEAUTIFUL vase of flowers. He was certain that the miscommunication we had the night before (not important) was at fault for my issues that day and wanted to make it up to me. How hard to explain that in truth it was just that I found an insecurity I wasn't really aware was there (I still haven't fully explained because it keeps coming to me in bits and pieces).

Maca and I took a shower (we often talk there because it's private and we can get two things done at once) :eek: cleaning and talking you perverts! :D j/k

Anyway-I told him, he helped talk me through the parts I just couldn't get myself to say. He was (duh as usual) understanding, caring, reassuring and maybe a bit relieved that it wasn't a real life issue just a dream that sent me into a tailspin.

Later I talked SOME to C but didn't finish. I wrote him an email, he read it the next day-we took a walk that night, finished the talk and both cried a little. He reassured me that it was just a dream and I reassured him that I know that.

But the thing is-my issue was this:

In spite of spending 11 years asking them to work on becoming friends-

I'm afraid if they decide they are "best friends" I won't be as improtant to either of them anymore and they will leave me. Ironically they are both straight as boards. We aren't talking about a "falling in love with" "he's better in bed then I am issue" we're talking about something even LESS significant in so many ways.

BUT these two men have been my rocks for so long-I guess the change of them becoming friends felt more threatening than I thought it would!

I'm not hiding from it-and I'm sure as hell not going to ask them to stop now! I WANT them to become friends for many reasons, but now there is a new reason.

I want them to become good friends, best friends even. Because I want to prove to my inner self that them being best friends will never change that each of them individually loves me and are my two best friends as well.

maca 10-26-2009 01:15 AM

We are your guardians and your confidants you can tell us anything and we will not bail on you lover. Im so glad you were able to talk to us both you did an awesome job and it showed me that your not superwoman your our woman;)

Sunshinegrl 10-26-2009 05:06 AM

I found it interesting in a few Of your other Post that you and Maca Comunicate in the tub/shower. Aussiebloke and I do that alot too!

I hate dreams like those. Ty spook ou out to the core. Im glad you had yur two men to talk too.

LovingRadiance 10-26-2009 07:30 PM

It just seems to be a good private but not too tense spot for us. If we're in bed, well it's likely going to be an interupted conversation-cause we're going to fall asleep or start making out. But the shower or bath is calming and we can have those deep serious talks.
:)
At least I know it's not just us! Heeheeheehee!!

Ceoli 10-26-2009 09:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 9941)
Yeah-so the morning starts with both of them thinking maybe I'm mad at them. Maca thinks maybe I'm so caught up in C that morning I forgot him (not even close) and C thinks maybe Maca was so upset when we went to bed that I decided to avoid seeing him before he went to work that day...

Setting aside the fact that it's completely OK to have dreams like that (and I'm sure you've already dealt with that), I'm wondering if this rape dream had something to do with this dynamic you always seem to be caught between. (Disclaimer: This is all coming from my VERY limited perspective, so if it's off base, go ahead and disregard :) )It seems like sometimes you're shouldering the burden that you feel you're a source of major angst for both of your loves. Could your dream have been about dealing with the weight of burden you feel from both of them in this sense?

I'm not saying that they are causing a burden, but we can often saddle ourselves with a lot of weight when our loves are hurting, even more so when we have something to do with the cause of their hurt. Sometimes that burden feels forced on us, like a rape can be.

So maybe the dream was just a signal to yourself about the weight of this burden, and maybe a nudge to see what part of that burden you could lay down.

LovingRadiance 10-26-2009 10:07 PM

Yes Ceoli-I do think that is part of it.

With the change in dynamic to some degree I feel like they each need to take more responsibility for THEIR relationship and the "angst" that inevitably comes up periodically between/for them.

For example, if either is feeling like they need some time that hasn't been previously set aside for them with me, I feel like instead of asking me to ask the other one they ought to just go talk to one another.
They could talk through-hey I need some time with LR what's a good time for you so that I don't step on your toes in the taking of it blah blah blah.

I have been trying to be gentle with Maca-he's working his butt off right now to get a handle on so many things in his life-and doing so well we're all sort of standing around stumped with our mouths dropping open, staring at him in shock and amazement.

But I sort of feel like if they can manage to talk about getting matching tattoos of the three geckos (came up last night) then they can talk to each other about some of the needs they have too..

Does that seem reasonable? Obviously it's not your relationship I know. But just in general does that make sense based on what you do know about us?

I guess I have spent so long "in hiding" that in coming out-I don't know what steps Maca is ready for (and he's new enough to being true to himself he doesn't either) so I'm sort of waffling!

I took one bull by the horns today and called the girl he's potentially interested in (because he came home early from work) and let her know I have plans today to bake cookies with a bunch of kids (7 to be exact) and can't take advantage of his availability so it would be a good time for them to go talk. She was thrilled to find a DAY time he was available (very rare) because they are not open in her marriage with their kids (we are) so it gets complicated since Maca works days which is when her kids are at school.

Maca was a bit suprised I think. But it was just one of those moments of opportunity-why waste it? He does NOT enjoy making cookies with 7 kids-heck more than one kid is pushing it! So go my love and talk!!!

But between the two of my men I get caught up in not knowing when it's ok to say "uh why don't YOU go talk to him" instead of "taking care" of them....

Ceoli 10-27-2009 03:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 10093)
For example, if either is feeling like they need some time that hasn't been previously set aside for them with me, I feel like instead of asking me to ask the other one they ought to just go talk to one another.
They could talk through-hey I need some time with LR what's a good time for you so that I don't step on your toes in the taking of it blah blah blah.

I have been trying to be gentle with Maca-he's working his butt off right now to get a handle on so many things in his life-and doing so well we're all sort of standing around stumped with our mouths dropping open, staring at him in shock and amazement.

But I sort of feel like if they can manage to talk about getting matching tattoos of the three geckos (came up last night) then they can talk to each other about some of the needs they have too..

Does that seem reasonable? Obviously it's not your relationship I know. But just in general does that make sense based on what you do know about us?


On one level, it does make sense, as long as somewhere along the way such conversations involve you. I would hate to have two partners negotiating my time with each other but not with me. But in general, yeah....being the fulcrum of a V doesn't mean always having to be the go-between. A good relationship between the metamours is soooooo important!

LovingRadiance 10-27-2009 04:37 AM

Agreed-I don't want a daddy (or two). It would annoy the crap out of me if they decided they could preplan all of my time for me.
But some of the details they could iron out since I have the least restrictive schedule between us and enjoy my time with both.

redpepper 10-27-2009 06:29 AM

Mono and my husband have been told a few times to talk to each other when they want stuff passed on... I think they get it now. It kind of annoyed me at first as I saw it as a way for them to avoid dealing with saying stuff to each other that was hard to say. It hasn't come up in a long time. I think they would talk if they needed to. At the beginning they would go out for coffee and then come back to me all macho and proud of their woman. They would watch me walk around and make comments on how I look and what they think of me.... heh, I liked it :) they haven't done that in awhile, hm? Think I'll ask for that some time soon!:D

maca 10-27-2009 06:13 PM

I do understand what it is your saying Lover. Im working on building that trust that you have with C. Its not going to be fast or easy.Hell its not been easy with you after June 3rd.I still have moments of not feeling as though you dont love me as much anymore( IE lastnight)I know its my inner demons poking there f'd up little heads out.

Im forcing myself to focus on the good loving thingsnot the bad hurtful things.Somtimes I wish I could change brains with some of the ppl on this board just for a day to see through there eyes.

Its been a hard month for me. To go from putting up with C for the sake of your sanity to talking to him about having romantic alone time with you. To go from feeling like you need me to feeling like " You dont need me you want me". All this goes against what I had allways thought to be true and right.Im not giving up on myself , you or on us.Just doing the best I can. Maybe ( I have now heard this from several different ppl) Im trying to hard going to fast pushing myself to a point that Ill burn out like a flaring star. Its my nature to not feel the accomplishment till I get to the end of the job(stems from my employment).


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