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-   -   Romance with two? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10230)

scramcity 05-24-2011 09:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 80246)

Most romance stuff doesn't work with married couples because I think, the idea of romance in marriage is lost and the concept of breaking out of marriage would be tough to break.---

Ok. This is very interesting. Both you and red p mention this lack of romance. It helps me figure out that I am having some issues in this area with my couple that I care dearly for. (me being the elusive 'unicorn' and can i just say i am really starting to ahhh.... Dislike that term) And we have a great time out in the world and sex is great but I don't feel that dating feeling. I feel like we are all best friends who also sleep together. Would certainly welcome feedback on this situation that is new to me but apparently not to y'all!


Ok just lost everything I had typed. Ugh. Cut to the chase. I need them but they already have what they need in each other. They agreed. I have needs they have wants they've been together forever and iam not sure they can real used me ass 3-d person more than a concept. Feedback welcome.

Last sentence should have read " I am not sure they can see me as a 3-D person who has equal needs." also They discuss me a lot when I am not around and I hear about it later which is a strange feeling. As if they feel that is including me and spending time with/on me but that is just a fantasy in my eyes. I do not get the benefit of the conversation. Does this make sense? And I am not wanting to be the one always complaining and pointing out that or just being lonely when in their "mind" yes singular they feel we are together.

scramcity 05-26-2011 01:00 AM

Filmy?
 
Well it's a little hard to understand what you wrote but I think you are saying that it can only happen in the movies? Probably you are right. It's just that the three of us have zero experience with this and I have told them they are naive and they are so sweet and say maybe so but we still really want this. My concern is of course for me and I am Hopeful but doubtful. We do spend time separately as well as all together. And it's totally fun. I'm just not sure if it is enough connection for me. And my difficulty has been in explaining my needs for more time and attention if they want this to really work. They are always willing to talk about this stuff. But it seems like I am always the only one who needs stuff.

nycindie 05-26-2011 02:20 AM

Don't concern yourself with that spam post. Edit: Oh, okay, it was removed.

The fact is, or seems to be, that you are in a relationship with a couple and want a real relationship with both of them, where you feel you have equal participation and your needs fulfilled. They appear to have objectified you somewhat, in that it is still a "them" and "you" scenario, with you being there for them. So, you need to ask yourself if the scales have tipped too far in that direction, beyond what you're comfortable with. If so, what do you do?

You can confront them (firmly but nicely) and try to tell them what's not satisfactory to you. You can (and should, I think) ask that they actively work on making it better - with you. Have you tried developing separate relationships and made room for quality time with each of them individually? Are they open to that? Or are you always supposed to be with them both? Do you feel like a toy or like you're just supposed to entertain them both when you're with them? Ask if your idea of relationship is a match for theirs. If it isn't, if they are not willing to work on it, or if they work on it but only half-heartedly just to make themselves look good, then you have a choice of whether you stay or leave. What are you willing to put up with? How can you create the poly relationships of your dreams?

scramcity 05-26-2011 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 83304)
Don't concern yourself with that spam post. Edit: Oh, okay, it was removed.

The fact is, or seems to be, that you are in a relationship with a couple and want a real relationship with both of them, where you feel you have equal participation and your needs fulfilled. They appear to have objectified you somewhat, in that it is still a "them" and "you" scenario, with you being there for them. So, you need to ask yourself if the scales have tipped too far in that direction, beyond what you're comfortable with. If so, what do you do?

You can confront them (firmly but nicely) and try to tell them what's not satisfactory to you. You can (and should, I think) ask that they actively work on making it better - with you. Have you tried developing separate relationships and made room for quality time with each of them individually? Are they open to that? Or are you always supposed to be with them both? Do you feel like a toy or like you're just supposed to entertain them both when you're with them? Ask if your idea of relationship is a match for theirs. If it isn't, if they are not willing to work on it, or if they work on it but only half-heartedly just to make themselves look good, then you have a choice of whether you stay or leave. What are you willing to put up with? How can you create the poly relationships of your dreams?

Hi NYC :) Those are all good questions and I have even been encouraged by them to ask for more. They rarely tell me no :) and I don't feel like a toy, we do pursue separate sleepovers and event/ dates. It's funny tho because I am so aware of them as a couple because they are so enmeshed. They don't realize it because they've been together so long and until now just had " ongoing" romantic friendships with other partners. I think they really try I am at a loss sometimes tho with identifying how to make it more " romantic" feeling for me. We are dating separately more to see if this happens. But because they have not had to integrate anyone into their lives love wise, it all feels rather practical... but fun. Not sure if I sm doing a good job of explaining. I think they have a lot of NRE Btwn them, but I still feel like I am sleeping with my best friends. Which may be a better model for long term relationship success. But I kinda miss the in love feeling. I don't have that. and I find myself still looking outside the relationship for someone who's more focused on me. Sometimes I feel like we will always be lifetime BFF-FWBs... They were hurt by that. Oy vey.

scramcity 05-26-2011 03:37 PM

Also
 
We are all in our late 40's early 50's, and I have never had a relationship that lasted longer than four-five years and they have been together over 20, so they also have more confidence than I that this can work. And they have a successful loving relationship from what I can see and both seem/ say they are interested in a lifelong commitment which is also what I want but have a very low expectation of ever having. That said I sometimes feel I am the weakest link in my lack of faith in others. I have questioned them at length on why they want this. They both say because it feels right. As this is my first poly experience that is " serious" It makes me wonder how much I have to adjust my mono-neediness.


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