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-   -   what should i expect (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1017)

ladyjools 10-24-2009 07:44 PM

what should i expect
We have been poly for a number of years, :) about 3, and we have been together for 6 as a couple... so... we are not new to this,

During that time iv dated, 3 other men,
none of them have been long term for various reasons, the main one being it i just never developed intense or strong feelings for them,

this past couple of months iv been dating someone new, R. This new relationship has been diffrent from the start. With R i feel a real connection, i would say that i am falling in love with him, and he is falling in love with me, it is like a perfect fit. Last night he and C met for the first time and they seemed to get along fantastic,

I am enjoying the NRE without letting it overwhelm me and I am being careful to make C feel happy and secure, we have been at this point sevral times so im careful not to make the same mistakes twice, and so far things are just going amazingly well,

i have never gotten serious with someone, even though the plan is to find another primary partner so far i haven't found anyone that fits, and now i think that there is a chance i have i am wanting to prepare myself for what might come next. I know that there will be issues, prob lots, and challanges and im wondering for anyone more experienced how they manage those,

what kind of issues i may expect
and mistakes i could easily make

any input would be apreciated :)


ladyjools 10-25-2009 03:06 PM

just wondering if anyone has any input i seem to be a bit unlucky with any of the posts i start :(

greenearthal 10-25-2009 03:40 PM

It's hard to figure out what you need help with. It sounds like you've found someone (or even two someones) that you are really into and so far things are going fine.

Do you just want general advise on how people with poly longevity have made it work?

ladyjools 10-25-2009 03:53 PM

im wondering the issues that can develop as things get more serious,
and yes how people with poly longevity do make it work

Fidelia 10-25-2009 05:05 PM


Originally Posted by ladyjools (Post 9872)
just wondering if anyone has any input i seem to be a bit unlucky with any of the posts i start :(

Hiya, jools,

One thing I've had to learn on this forum is patience. Everyone here checks the boards on thier own timetables and responds accordingly, when it fits into thier day. (Which can make a person crazy if s/he is pacing back and forth in front of her/his monitor, hitting refresh every 15 seconds and waiting for the wisdom of the ages to pop onto the screen. Don't ask me how I know this. ;))

Also, when an OP asks a question requiring a fair amount of thought, as this one does, respondents need time to get thier thoughts together and type them out too. And keep in mind that not everyone on the forum is going to be able to respond to a question like this, since it really needs responses from polyfolk with more experience than yours (and it sounds like you have quite a bit of experience yourself).

So hang in. Wait. Breathe. Everything which must be will be.

ladyjools 10-25-2009 06:48 PM

yep i get that,
just hoping my question didn't get burried before anyone had chance to respond
actually typing out the question has helped me think of some of the things im asking
so its always useful to have somewhere to vent


HappiestManAlive 10-25-2009 07:11 PM

I will also add that you and your hubby seem to have it together better than most, have had more experience time-wise than many of us, and generally, your posts seem to be the teacher asking the class about the curriculum, lol. Granted, sometimes the class can help, but i for oe look at your experiences and tend to think "I probably cant tell her anything she hasn't already either experienced or figured out", lol.

ladyjools 10-25-2009 08:05 PM

from reading everyone elses posts here i think i still have a lot to learn
we can always learn from each other,


greenearthal 10-25-2009 08:23 PM

I was in a wonderful poly relationship for five plus years.

During the times it was really working well we were really practicing the "communicate, communicate, communicate" mantra. When we started taking communication for granted was when we started to run into problems. I would generally advise people to find as deep a level of communication as they can uncover.

1) Find partners that are worthy of your trust.
2) Trust them. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Be useful when they are vulnerable.
3) Communicate. Learn more about the story of them and teach them more about the story of you. Know them and what it is they need to help them grow in the direction they're growing.
4) Love like your life depends on it (because it does) and do what love requires of you.

ladyjools 10-25-2009 09:21 PM

that is fantastic advice,
the one thing i do struggle with is

"Allow yourself to be vulnerable"
sometimes that is more scary than anything else, becuase admitting i am vulnerable seems so hard for me, but of course i am, becuase everyone is, especially when it comes to love and relationships.


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