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-   -   How do I ask for more time/attention? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1012)

Io55 10-23-2009 10:22 AM

How do I ask for more time/attention?
Hi everyone! I know I haven't been contributing much this past month..and now i come online when i need help again.. :S
So things have kind of settled between M, H, and I. M and H seem to be making some pretty big steps towards resolving their communication issues, and though their relationship still needs lots of time and work to completely heal, they feel they are ready to concentrate part of their energies on me too! this is a happy thing! after some pretty heavy discussions, weve all come to the conclusion that we eventually want to live together as a fidelious(with option to open again once we're more solid)triad. Between M (my girlfriend!!!) and me, things have been going great !(except for this minor hiccup: whenever we go on dates, we have so many ideas for all the activities we want to DO, that we end up returning to my appartment too late and tired for anything more than sleepy cuddles-we're working on this activity-frenzied tendency :P) we have a sleepover on average once a week, have a few good half-hour IM chats duing the week, and chat on the phone on her late night at work. These conversations always leave me feeling satisfied and loved, in part thanks to the fact that M and I are pretty similar in terms of our needs to freely express our feelings and our affectionate natures(cause we're ladies? i dont know, all the men ive dated before were not very stereotypical 'strong silent type manly men' :P)
NOW here is my issue..with H, he is SO busy at work i know, and returns home exhausted with many more tasks to do before the day is done. so its VERY rare that we would ever chat when he is at home. M usually has their only phone on her, so calling him at home isnt really an option. well chat when were both at work, a couple of exchanges, which, in my rational mind i know are short and maybe a little abrupt because hes BUSY and WORKING, but emotionnaly i feel like i interpret as being cold and a little removed. we see each other once a week, but usually after ive asked 3 or 4 times when hes free,(has trouble knowing when, again, BUSY and STRESSED!!)when we do see each other, all together or alone, usually its wonderful! yes, he has a lot of stress, and is kind of an introvert and needs a bit of alone time even on date nights, but this is a part of his personality i think i know now, and i no longer interpret this as him needing time away from ME.(i have some little insecurity issues, can you tell?)) but i dont feel like all my needs for emotional connection with him are met by one 3 hour date per week.i dont want to make any more demands on his time, but I DO need to know that hes thinking of me when im not around, and as we are still new and im still sometimes insecure about his feelings and my position in this new relationship, i need reassurance from him(practically, what i want would be one or 2 sweet emails, maybe a surprise phone call per week...or a chat when he isnt so busy!). but at this point, after a few explosive chats, and many times of feeling rejected (and resentful)when he had to leave abruptly online, my self-esteem issues and insecurities are in super-flare mode! I dont know how to calm myself down and bring myself out of this emotional spiral long enough to clearly express my feelings and needs without presenting them like some sort of disease i have that needs curing, or some accusation that he hasnt been meeting them in the past. I want to present it light heartedly, like something nice and fun, because thats what it will be! please help me get over myself!!

HappiestManAlive 10-23-2009 05:34 PM

Before I get into anything else, I want to understand H a little better, as he and I share the same position. What does he do for a living? How old is he? Are you two married?

Io55 10-23-2009 05:43 PM

Heres a little bit about H. Hes in his early thirties (as is M, Im 26). They own 2 businesses between them (stores) H runs one, and M works part time in both. We arent married, we've only been an official item for about 2 months, but we met as swingers about a year ago, so weve all had a pretty close, intimate, and frequent relationship with each other for a year, though we didnt put any labels onto it until this fall. thanks for reading!!

violet 10-23-2009 06:35 PM

Wow! This sounds VERY similar to the position that HMA, Anne, and I are in. I hope he's able to give you some insight. Time management is one of the biggest things we struggle with in our triad. HMA and I live and work together, while Anne lives nearby but not with us. We see her several times a week, but it's always sometime after 7pm; and working around her school schedule/work schedule. It can get REALLY hectic.

I'll ask a couple questions of my own so maybe I can give you some insight too, because I've been right where you are - feeling neglected, irrational, etc. lol It's an uncomfy as hell place to be!

Who is it you're married to? H or M? Or are H and M married?
Who do you live with? Or do you live on your own?
What is it that's caused your chats to be "explosive" as you put it?
Have ALL THREE of you sat down and talked about this, rather than dealing with it one-on-one?

There's a solution to every problem. Once I understand a bit better, maybe I can help!

Io55 10-23-2009 07:53 PM

Hi Violet!
wow, its amazing how much better i feel just to have written my thoughts down and have had them validated by your responses. because, to answer one of your questions, i live alone. this leaves me LOTS of time and room for my imagination to run rampant and for my little negative thought-loops to become maelstroms, since i just sit by myself and stew :p so heres our situation: H and M were a couple when we first met. theres some rough spots in their relationship, and theyre both committed to working on those, which is great! but they say, and i believe and agree, that they want to form a triad with me, no longer a couple and their gf, as things were before, if the difference between those makes sense. but for now, they live and work together, so of course spend MUCH more time with each other than i do, as for me, my work schedule is a little different from theirs (i usually work weekdays, from 7-3)but the MAIN issue is that i live in a different part of town (about 45 min-1 hour away from their place by bus, as i dont have a car) ALSO, i have a dog, who i can bring on the bus, but its a big production everytime i do, so i cant really go to their place unless its for a sleepover..this is something we'll try at some point soon. as for H sleeping over, well, hed have to get up at 5 to beat traffic to get home in time to open up the store and...hes just not a morning kind of guy :p
so. mostly im really happy with living alone, its the first time in my life that i ever have, and i pretty much love it. BUT i realize that if i lived in a busier neighbourhood, or had roomates, probably this issue wouldnt seem so pressing, as id just have more activities to keep my mind off missing my loves. and this is definitely somehting thats in my power to change. xmas is coming, and i need to start on my gift crafting!!
ok, other answers.
i guess what i mean by explosive chats, is that i was used to a certain amount of flirtation from H when we were online before. we would talk a little dirty, make cyber-googoo eyes at each other, lots of heart emoticons, etc. this was BEFORE we were officially in a relationship (and subsequent decision to be exclusive for the time being). the beginning of our triad-dom happened to coincide with business going even better at the store, so now H barely has time for a hi and bye type conversation, and i would interpret him as being abrupt. so in my self-involved way, i saw myself as going from: receiving LOTS of attention, both from the man and woman i love, as well as other flirtations i had going on, to: still lots of loving attention from my girlfriend, but it almost seemed like the second he started calling me girlfriend and was the only guy with the possibility to fuck me, the pursuit was off. thats really how i interpreted it at first, i fear..and i got a little resentful and hurt. we did have acouple tearfilled phone calls after massive miscommunications online, one time i actually went out there on the bus late in the evening and we spoke alone and all 3 of us. it did make certain aspects of the problem better. See, M had expressed not being comfortable with me and H being intimate when she was around (shes communicating her needs and discomforts so much more now, im so proud of her :) )but he interpreted this as meaning NO AFFECTION at all when M was around, period. none for her, none for me, everyone equal..so my grievance was, i get cold shoulder when were all together, cold shoulder online, so all the NRE im feeling has to be expressed and experienced in a few hours a week!?! no!! anyway, when that little explosion occurred, we had a really great talk with all 3 of us, and concluded that MORE affection for everyone was what was needed and would make everyone happy :) and the last time we were all together, things were so much better. i felt free to rub Hs back when we cross paths in the hallway, playfully wrestle in the kitchen while making dinner, perform all these wonderful physical expressions of love ive always felt free to express with M!! so thats why i feel terrible that it still doesnt feel like enough!! but i really do need to know that im not a weekend girlfriend, that H thinks about me even when im not around, the way i think so often of him, send him little good morning messages, sometimes craft something cute to give him on the weekend (yes, hes a boy that likes cute, crafted things!!one of the many reasons to love him)haha! can you tell i dont have tons of outlets?! i could type all day!!

LovingRadiance 10-23-2009 09:15 PM

Are there any options for you to help out at their shop? Get a chance to spend some time helping promote something important to them AND spend time together?
Maybe doing some deco things to help with sales since you are a creative person?

Io55 10-23-2009 09:38 PM

hi LR! there are, and i do! often saturdays ill go help at the store, and im the designated sign maker when im there:) ive also made a nuisance of myself in my building by leaving little flyers for the store lying around :p
and also, Update!
it felt so good to share again and just vent that i actually talked myself into a solution..when it comes to problems in my life, im sort of a slow mover, i tend to roll it around in my head for days and sometimes months, weighing all possibilities, before acting. this means that if i go to bed feeling bad and obssessing, i wake up feeling that way. sometimes not hearing from M&H all day, leaves me feeling lobely in the evening, and then terrible the next morning when i wake up. its so important that i feel good in the morning for the rest of my day to go wel|!! (i work with kids, and a good modds kind of required to do my job well, and thats a hard thing to fake!) SO. i was chatting with H this afternoon ( he had a bit of time) and i was able to state my needs in a more clear and positive way! ive asked him, when he has time to relax and hes online late at night, to send me an email, short or not, and explained how special and appreciated i have felt in past occasions when hes taken the time to write to me! he responded so enthusiastically! even wrote me a poem on the spot:) thank you everyone for providing me with a place to talk through my thoughts. it really, really helps:)

LovingRadiance 10-23-2009 09:50 PM

I'm so glad that a simple request was able to do so much! It's funny how that works!
I had a really terrible nightmare night before last. Brought out some hidden feelings of insecurity in me. I was SO nervous about talking to Maca and GreenGecko it really messed with me all day. But then Maca and I took a shower and he was so mellow and calm and kept it all so simple as he reasured me that I almost felt silly for worrying at all!
Then he suggested I sit down and talk to GreenGecko-so I did and then I REALLY felt silly cause he was perfectly mellow and calm and reassuring too!
LOVE when the scary stuff ends up simple to solve. :)

dingding 10-24-2009 02:22 AM

in relationship,.often we get unexpected situation,I got my GF now suddenly asked for break up with no reason that it seems I could possibly understand,I can works,I can`t thinking but her,oh I need help here

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