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girluv4u 05-22-2011 03:03 AM

new tp polly
 
hi, i'm new to polly and have a question... does secondary always mean last? are secondary's alway the one to be bumped? i dont mind being bumped but is it to much to ask for to just once to NOT be the one being bumped?

slm 05-22-2011 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girluv4u (Post 82729)
hi, i'm new to polly and have a question... does secondary always mean last? are secondary's alway the one to be bumped? i dont mind being bumped but is it to much to ask for to just once to NOT be the one being bumped?

Well, if the person is actually defined as secondary, then I suppose they would, by definition, come after the primary.

But some poly relationships strive to be non-hierarchical, and therefore no one is defined as being first or second or third, ect. Rather, everyone is defined as being equally important, although perhaps for different reasons and in different ways. Of course, this is the ideal and it does not necessarily work out that way even for people who strive for that.

How many times have you gotten "bumped", considering you said you are new to poly? Are the other people poly or serial non-monogamists? What do you consider to be poly?

girluv4u 05-22-2011 06:28 PM

3rd wheel thanks you
 
i've been bumped more times then we had dates, i was told one night a week and now its become one night if convienant to everyone else.. there are 2 primary partners one is a live in the other lives out of town (the one out of town is NOT polly, yet knows about poly life? i dont get that)
, i'm the new girl. i see him making alot of private time with them, but when it comes to me i get 6hrs till we go to sleep then get up and work and she is always in the house.

im just not seeing the living primary giving the same respect as i am to give to her. polly to me is about respect, honesty and openess to go to eachother and say how you feel, good or bad...famliy. i see me not being included in alot of "family" stuff, last to kmow, first to be bumped.

i dont know is one 6 hour date a week uninterupted too much to ask? do i keep my mouth shut on how i feel to save what relationship the primary is allowing us to have?

slm 05-22-2011 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by girluv4u (Post 82765)
i've been bumped more times then we had dates, i was told one night a week and now its become one night if convienant to everyone else.. there are 2 primary partners one is a live in the other lives out of town (the one out of town is NOT polly, yet knows about poly life? i dont get that)
, i'm the new girl. i see him making alot of private time with them, but when it comes to me i get 6hrs till we go to sleep then get up and work and she is always in the house.

im just not seeing the living primary giving the same respect as i am to give to her. polly to me is about respect, honesty and openess to go to eachother and say how you feel, good or bad...famliy. i see me not being included in alot of "family" stuff, last to kmow, first to be bumped.

i dont know is one 6 hour date a week uninterupted too much to ask? do i keep my mouth shut on how i feel to save what relationship the primary is allowing us to have?

Everyone has boundaries and their own unique life situations, about which you still haven't told a lot (yours or theirs). How long has your partner been with the other two women? How long have you been in this relationship with this man?

It's possible you have too many expectations. Even if you were under the impression that you would see this man once a week, and that's not what's happening, it would probably be good for you to realise that things change and/or don't always work out exactly as planned.

If you are not getting what you feel you need, you have every right to voice your feelings and also to leave the relationship if it is unsatisfying to you. Perhaps you need to discuss what they see your 'role' as being. If they claim you are a family member, but you don't feel that you are, then at that point you can say why. If they don't think of you as a family member, well then, you all are on different pages and you have to make some decisions.

girluv4u 05-25-2011 02:35 AM

3rd wheel
 
thank you, i think maybe i put to much into what i was told as to what i got, two diffrent situations, i have low expectations and am having a hard time understanding why they dont count. i love him and want to be apart of it BUT you can only knock on an unaswered door so long, before you have to walk away, even if your heart is telling you not too

i have been told in poly meetups one question that is asked is " are you getting what you need?" well in a two person relationship if someone is not getting what they need, you work on it, (try) so, is this reserved ONLY for priamry's? if so doesnt that just make you...well just sex?

scramcity 05-27-2011 12:22 PM

Third wheel?
 
Hi this sounds sad on the surface and if it makes you feel bad then I would suggest stop doing it as in waiting around and being available. Actions and words need to line up. If you have tried to discuss it and don't feel hears and respected then maybe these aren't the right folks for you. I hope you find folks that treat you right.

Feedhercandy 05-27-2011 10:15 PM

Same rules apply ... but in a different way
 
I think the same rules apply in all the different forms of poly there are and in all the different forms of mono there are - if there's something going on in your relationship that you don't like / doesn't work for you / upsets or hurts you, you look at the big picture (analyze how everything else is working, pick you battles, consider how you feel about your relationship partner, etc), then you talk to your partner. You share how you're feeling - in a reasonable, adult fashion (as I'm sure you would do). You ask to be heard. Then you listen, as they share what's going on with them, how they see the situation, and what possible limitations they might be experiencing at the moment. And, finally, you negotiate. Or you don't negotiate and then you face a decision point - stay and wait it out, keep fighting for what you need and wait it out, or leave.

I will say the same thing I'm sure you'd read on this forum 1,000 times - they best thing you can do is communicate, hopefully in a positive constructive manner, then see what happens next.

Good luck to you. I'm sorry you're hurting.

girluv4u 05-30-2011 01:28 AM

3rd wheel
 
thank you both, we are haing a "talk" about it next week, i want it to go good. just not sure that is what she wants. we will see...

seriously lost

girluv4u 05-30-2011 01:45 AM

3rd wheel
 
and this time I was cancelled on Wednesday for our weekly thursday date..that bumps me out over 2 weeks. the kicker? over her cat.

yep a cat. i get that it sick and she was devistated and wanted to take it to a specialist. but its 16yrs old and no reason it couldn't wait till friday.. i was told she was devistated, HOWEVER no so devistated she cant go out on Saturday.. I dont know maybe i am being selfish? but all i keep thinking is its a 16 yr old cat for christ sakes

slm 05-30-2011 04:44 AM

well, pets can actually be somewhat akin to family members for some people, so you should maybe at least allow for that possibility.

it seems though, as many have said, that you just need to talk to this person and then make a decision. you apparently are not happy.


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