Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   There has GOT to be a solution to this... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1009)

violet 10-22-2009 11:39 PM

There has GOT to be a solution to this...
Okay. So, I haven't posted here because I'm dead scared of the fucking flack I'm sure I'm going to catch for this. But, it's getting to a point where my mind is officially caught in a vicious circle that I'm unable to break. Not only is it fucking up my relationship with HMA, it's fucking up our triad. And that's not cool.

Somewhere along the line, in the past three weeks, my whole world came crashing in on me. I went from being completely happy, fine, and excited about what Anne, HMA, and I are building - to being hurt, depressed, resentful, and pulling away from the both of them. And I have NO idea what changed.

As it sits right now, I'm in turmoil. I don't want to lose what we have going between all three of us, but I'm becoming possessive and weird. I went from really liking watching HMA and Anne together, to getting upset. I haven't mentioned that to either of them, so when HMA reads this it may come as a surprise. Maybe more of this will. I dunno. I went from enjoying the time all three of us spend together, to being resentful of the fact that it feels like that "all three" time is taking away from the time I have with HMA. I don't feel like I'm in love with Anne anymore. I hate that all my alone time with HMA is either spent talking about our triad or talking about how I'm not the same way I was a few weeks ago. Nothing is normal anymore.

HMA and I are supposed to be getting married next September. I went from not being able to keep my grubby little paws off of EVERY wedding magazine and website I could find - to being in near tears when I try to get into planning again. I had gotten better with it - but now, I'm right back to depression. I went from enjoying the odd looks and questions from people, to wishing that HMA and I could just be a normal couple again. I went from understanding that "love multiplies, it doesn't divide", to being COMPLETELY unable to understand how him loving both of us doesn't make it so he's taking love from me to give to her. I went from knowing that I was his whole world, and that she fit into that world seamlessly and knowing that it didn't mean I was threatened or being neglected - to being HORRIBLY upset that I no longer feel as though I'm EVERYTHING to him.

I have trouble considering Anne's feelings again. It's like I reverted WAY back to the first week of this shit, where I KNEW I was Poly - but because of the circumstances and how fast things were moving, I was overwhelmed and needed to catch up. It's like the past month never happened! I don't even really like having sex with both of them anymore. My sex drive is practically dead again. Just like it was before.

And it really had gotten better! I can HONESTLY say that I had gotten to a point that I was completely alright and happy - so don't claim or insinuate that that isn't or wasn't the case. It was. SOMETHING happened - maybe within me, or within Anne or HMA, or within our situation - I don't know. But something is dragging up this insecurity and this hurt.

Another thing weighing on me is Anne's internship. Before she met us, she was planning on doing a fashion design internship in Paris for 3-6 months. I can't handle LD relationships. I can't. I also can't afford to skip out on work and go with her. I don't WANT to. If she goes (and she claims it's all "up in the air" right now), I don't know that I can be here when she gets back. In fact, I'm 98% sure I can't be. I jsut don't work that way! And if she goes - knowing that - what the FUCK did we put all the work in for?!

HMA and I are fighting all of a sudden. We never fought. We aren't communicating. I don't enjoy sex the same way and sometimes I don't enjoy it at all. It still feels right to be with him, and I don't want to leave him - it's Anne I'm not sure about. And I know he can't just leave her. I don't WANT him to ... I don't think. No matter how hard I try to figure out what I need, I can't. I just have no idea what I need right now.

I need things to go back to normal, actually. GETTING to "normal" is another story.

And I could never be like Mono. I could NOT be a monogamous person in a poly relationship. Now, I'm not saying I AM mono - but I couldn't, COULD NOT, be involved in a relationship where I was with HMA, and he was with Anne, and Anne and I were just friends. No way, no how. I'd go insane. And I have no desire to find another partner. HMA was all I needed - I could get my head around polyamory, I understood it and I wanted it! But all the same, all I needed was him. He was my world. He IS my world. And I know deep down that I'm his world too.

So where the FUCK is my problem? :confused:

NeonKaos 10-22-2009 11:52 PM

I'm not going to give you any "flack"; I can't imagine anyone giving you flack for this, it sounds so sad, and we've gotten to know you and it seemed like everything was going swimmingly for you! We only give people flack when they have their head up their ass!

I'm really sorry to hear all this; you sounded so happy. I don't have any advice for you unfortunately. Hopefully someone else does.

Take Care.

Ceoli 10-22-2009 11:57 PM

Sadly, this is an all too familiar scenario. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, but kudos to you for putting it all out there too. That takes some strength. I have lots of thoughts on it, but perhaps they are better shared privately.

violet 10-23-2009 12:03 AM


Originally Posted by Ceoli (Post 9628)
Sadly, this is an all too familiar scenario. I'm sorry it's so hard for you, but kudos to you for putting it all out there too. That takes some strength. I have lots of thoughts on it, but perhaps they are better shared privately.

I sent you a PM back - anything you have to say would be amazingly helpful. Whether you're right on the money or it doesn't apply, I don't care. ANYTHING is better than going on the way I feel and a whole shit ton of nothing.


Originally Posted by YGirl (Post 9627)
I'm not going to give you any "flack"; I can't imagine anyone giving you flack for this, it sounds so sad, and we've gotten to know you and it seemed like everything was going swimmingly for you! We only give people flack when they have their head up their ass!

I'm really sorry to hear all this; you sounded so happy. I don't have any advice for you unfortunately. Hopefully someone else does.

Take Care.

That's the thing! We WERE doing swimmingly! Everything was falling into place and all of a sudden I just fucking froze up and starting freaking out and I haven't the FOGGIEST idea why. It's frustrating! The majority of the time I feel like I just want to tear my hair out and then go curl up in a corner and fucking CRY. I'm so confused.

HappiestManAlive 10-23-2009 12:09 AM

I asked her to post on the boards because when we talk lately it just doesn't all come out. And boy did it all come out - you're right baby, lots of that is a surprise to me.

And to add to th pile, you left out Anne's position re you. She is complately and madly in love with you. More than with me sometimes - she says so openly.

Ceoli - your comments are the ones she feared the most, and openly stated that your "flak" for her feeling this way lately is what prevented her from coming out with this on these boards. Conversly, I think - and I'd bet a lot of money on it - that your POV and input is both what she needs and wants the most. If either or both of you want it to be private, so be it - but I think this thread could be very good for posterity.

I love you baby. I always will and can't imagine life without you. I don't want to imagine life without you even if I could. I don't want to continue hurting you. I don't want Anne to end up trashed by this and I know you don't either - you have worked SO HARD at making everything work out up until now, you have single handedly saved this triad on 2 or 3 seperate occasions.


NightDragon 10-23-2009 02:17 AM

I totally know what you're going through!! I am having major issues with the fact that Dragonfly is "In" love with DragonBorn. How can Dragonfly's love for me be the same when this love for DragonBorn has grown? Does that mean she can fall out of love with me? ETC.... I know all these dark feelings and questions that burn in your mind, I have them too! The thing I've been hearing a lot here on this great wonderful site is that it's ok to have these feelings. It's ok to be angry, pissed, hurt, afraid, etc... I'm just now starting to believe this. Now starting to be ok with having these feelings, I can take them to both Dragonfly and DragonBorn and tell them that I am in so much pain and angry and afraid. Since I've talked to them about this "repeatedly", we've come to find a balance. A way that we can all deal with this pain. The only advice I can give is maybe the 3 of you can do the same. Know that it's going to hurt all 3 of you, but a little pain shared by all is better then the gut wrenching, throwing up, eye popping crying, had by one. And the three of you will grow stronger for it! I know we have. If you want details as to what exactly we've agreed upon for a balance, just send me a PM and I will gladly give you the details. Just know that what exactly has worked for us, might not exactly work for you, but can lend you the idea(s) that could help you find what will work for you. I hope this has helped!!

LovingRadiance 10-23-2009 02:38 AM

Violet-why on earth would you think anyone would give you flack for having emotions??

I would hope that you have seen (as I have) that everyone here understands that emotions come up and we have to deal with them and often that dealing is a struggle. How you ACT can get you flack, but how you feel???

I think that some of your post sounds like you are building a bit of a bigger fire on your own (perfectly normal-but not helping you either). Like the issue with ld relationships. Instead of being angry with Anne, maybe it's time to really delve into why that is how you feel. I felt that way for years as well-but then one day I realized it was because the only people I knew who tried had failed. Also-how long is "too long" for someone to be away? Like Maca and I. We are not in a LD relationship-but there have been times over the years when his work took him out of town for work. The longest he was gone without a visit was 6 weeks. That was hell-but we knew it was temporary which made it possible to get through it.

Try to calm down a little emotionally-pull back from the feelings, then pick ONE and try to really delve into the "WHY" of it. Ask them to help you. Ask us to help if you want. But don't punish yourself for having weaknesses-we ALL do. Some are a little more hidden than others, but we ALL have our weaknesses!!

greenearthal 10-23-2009 05:41 AM

There is a lot to unpack here and I don't know how well my tired brain will do with this, but here'goes.

I think you should definitely (as gently as possible) let Anne know that your feelings are changing. If there is anything at all that is going well, let her know some of that too, but also let her know what your new needs are. If you need to step all the way back from having a relationship with her right now, let her know that.

You feel that you are completely not okay with long distance relationships. That's fine. And if you want to let her know that your feeling may change even further if she goes, that;s honest and fine too. But please, for the sake of everyone, do not try to coerce her into staying. That would be mean and unfair. Not to mention that it could have many lasting and negative consequences whether she decided to go anyway or was talked out of going.

I'm glad that you and HMA have an outlet like this for when communication becomes difficult. In my view, all of these kinds of concerns are best addressed as soon as you can be ready to communicate them. Sometimes it's VERY difficult to be ready to communicate about difficult things, but sitting on them can make them blow up like a baloon sometimes, and the better you get at discussing them openly and honestly (and with all involved parties if possible) the easier things become in the long run.

Sometimes emotions that totally don't seem like they can or should go together still happen at the same time. You expect to feel happy, and actually do feel happy, but feel overwhelmed by grief or fear at the same time. Give yourself permission to take the space you need to sort through things. I feel like it's better to communicate soon rather than later, but try to figure out what forms of processing work for you, what kinds of things help you get ready to talk (or scream, or have a pillow fight, or whatever's appropriate to the situation). I've known people who've needed to go to a certain place or listen to certain music or talk to a certain person or do various things that had some significance for them that helped them sort out their thoughts.

Now, this part is kind of important. At some point in the past you entered into a relationship that involved three people. So there are now three people and multiple relationships to consider. If you wish that things could go back to normal/easier/etc. that's the emotions that you are feeling and how you feel is how you feel. But how you feel has a funny way of not affecting reality at all sometimes. And, more importantly, the only person you can really do the feeling for is yourself. You can't make HMA feel his feelings for Anne are going to change if she goes away for a time. You can't make Anne feel any particular kind of way. You can only do your best to move forward from where you are (and not where you were or where you wish you had gone).

Like is extremely complicated all on it's own. And finding yourself in a lifestyle that complicates it even more can be enough to make you want to scream. (and screaming is okay.) But I have found in this lifestyle that there are even more days where it feels like a huge benefit to have more than one love that you can go to and days where this lifestyle can seem so simple and uncomplicated that you just want to sing.

(and singing is okay.)

HappiestManAlive 10-23-2009 07:15 AM

Thank you all for your input, and keep it coming, she needs it.

We had a long and very difficult talk this evening, both of us had to walk away from it for a whie when we started getting defensive, came back later and got to at least one of the roots of it (may be more, we don't know yet, lol). Without going into a lot of personal detail that I don't know if she wants all over the interweb, we at least have somewhere to start.

I don't know if I should be grateful or concerned that this came out while Anne is out of town visiting her family up north. On the one hand, it saves her some stress if we can get something handled before she gets back; on the other hand, if we don't, she comes home to a very different situation than she left, when she felt everyone was fine and happy.

I'd talk to her about it, a little heads up, but she's going in for minor surgery tomorrow, and I really don't want to dump all this on her now if we dont' have too, lol.

In any event, things are placid here now, we're having a good night together and working on figuring this out. Thanks especially to Ceoli for taking the time to IM her today and help her with this.

MonoVCPHG 10-23-2009 07:21 AM

Best of luck you two..or you three. I hope it works out healthy for all.

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:35 PM.