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-   -   In a Fuzzy State of Mind (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10086)

SunsetDancer 05-21-2011 07:06 PM

In a Fuzzy State of Mind
So, I'd say I've put myself in a difficult situation but it feels more like I've accidentally landed there. That doesn't mean I'm not taking responsibility for where I am now and where I'm going... but I'm really not certain on where the going part is.

My husband and I have been open sexually since before we were married (we just married last fall). But, recently have leaned more toward the poly side. I expected this would help him more than me since he's more quiet and emotionally connected (he's very passive and vanilla. I'm not vanilla but I'm also very submissive in many ways... this has created issues in the past we thought we'd worked through). I'm more sex driven and logical. I always expected I might be jealous if he had an emotional relationship with someone else.

But... of course that's not the way things are starting to work themselves out. Recently I've started seeing another guy. My husband says he'd actually prefer I have one lover in addition to him as opposed to many, but as I connect with the new guy some issues are rising. I realize a lot of it is NRE, but there are issues arising again between my husband and I. The new guy is incredibly driven in work, grad school, his personal life, and is really easy to open up to. He's also a Dom (which was a pleasant surprise I figured out after we had vanilla conversations and had already felt a connection).

There's really so much more going on here too but I feel I could write a book on it already. I feel torn between my physical, cultural, and logical needs. And then there's the heart and I never know when to believe that.

sage 05-21-2011 10:41 PM

Hi Sunset Dancer

I don't really understand what your problem is? Are you saying that you are falling in love with this guy and that was something you didn't count on in an open marriage and you don't know how to deal with?

Hopeful 05-22-2011 12:05 AM

I'm new to this myself, but the thing I've been keeping in mind is good advice I've been given in all other aspects of life, so I imagine it applies here too: What will be will be.

I think we try so hard to define ourselves and give ourselves and our relationships labels. He's my husband, she's my girlfriend, I'm her lover, etc, etc, that we lose sight of how organic and fluid these things can be. Just let it happen. And talk about it. Lots. I find that when I start to think about "what it all means" with the poly thing, I sometimes start to panic imagining the cultural response to what I KNOW is the right way for me to live. Then I talk to my husband and I know that he's here with me and the rest of the world is not my concern. It's a good feeling. :)

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