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-   -   Feeling Lonely (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=10076)

Barefooted 05-21-2011 05:50 AM

Feeling Lonely
 
I'm married to a partner of 7 years and have had a girlfriend for the past 13 months. We've had an intense time and it was exactly what I needed to live out my poly orientation. But we decided to break up in about 3 weeks, after we take a trip together. It's a hard time to go through and there is no one around to talk to about it. My partner is caring, but it feels awkward to mourn the loss of another relationship to him.
Why didn't it work? Mostly: time. It's hard to share and schedule and figure out. But also she never wanted to hang out with my partner which made it even harder to do fun things like hiking or eating out. I just had too much pressure. Also, she isn't actually into the poly thing and would love for my partner to drop dead to have her all to myself. Plus she's moody when she has her period and goes spiraling down which required a lot of emotional energy on my part.
After a year I am definitely ready to all it quits and I know it's for the better for both of us. But it's still sad and I just need to know there are people around who can understand what I am going through.
Thanks for reading.

tigrrrlily 05-21-2011 07:59 AM

:( ouch. sorry. are you sure its a good idea to go away together? unless you think there's a chance you'll work stuff out on the trip, won't it just prolong everyone's agony?

It is awkward commiserating with one partner about a breakup with another, but its worth giving your partner the chance to comfort you - a sad person can come across, unintentionally, as distant and excluding when you're not communicating about the sadness.

Strength!

redpepper 05-21-2011 04:35 PM

This could be a good opportunity to be closer to your partner. Are you sure you are not denying them that, or yourself, or your relationship? That energy can be translated into good feelings and usewfulness with time and practice. I know though, wallowing it is sometimes useful too ;)

AutumnalTone 05-24-2011 12:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Barefooted (Post 82610)
... But also she never wanted to hang out with my partner which made it even harder to do fun things like hiking or eating out. ....


Why should she want to hang out with your partner? I have little reason to hang out with my wife's friends and I certainly have no interest in joining her on any dates with other people. Likewise, I wouldn't want her along on any dates I have with somebody else.

Derbylicious 05-24-2011 08:25 PM

Sometimes when you know the relationship has come to the end of it's path it's best to just let go rather than trying desperately to hold on to something that isn't there anymore. I'm a little unclear why you are still going on a trip together though seeing that you know the relationship is over. Isn't it going to be more painful for both of you to go on this trip?

All relationships are beneficial, even if they don't end up being long term. You have learned about yourself and what you require in a mate. If you are looking for someone who will be more involved with you in day to day life stuff that includes your husband then that is something you can speak to people you are potentially going to be involved with in the future.

I know that none of this helps with the pain that you are feeling at the moment. The pain will lessen in time and it's my belief that everything happens for a reason and this relationship has gotten you ready for something else that is coming your way.

dragonflysky 05-25-2011 06:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone (Post 82994)
Why should she want to hang out with your partner? I have little reason to hang out with my wife's friends and I certainly have no interest in joining her on any dates with other people. Likewise, I wouldn't want her along on any dates I have with somebody else.

I think this was related to the issues of "time". If there had been an interest/willingness to do things together there could have been more time spent with one another. When I was in a relationship with the male partner of an established poly couple, I spent time with the couple, family, etc. and really enjoyed it. But, I knew going in to the relationship that would be part of our life together as we all had busy lives. Unfortunately, even with that arrangement he decided it was too much of a stressor for him in terms of making time to spend together...as a couple and/or with the family. He ultimately said he wanted our relationship to be "fun" and not stressful, and that he wasn't able (I said "willing") to commit any time to me on a weekly basis. That would have placed me in a very secondary role which I NEVER wanted and had said so from the beginning. So, I ended it.

TheBlackSwede 06-02-2011 09:53 PM

Things with my gf recently ended as well, and while we weren't together as long as you were with yours, I definitely feel your pain. I too was in a situation where the relationships and lives were entirely separate. My gf reached out to my wife a few times in subtle ways, sending gifts for her, offering me relationship advice, etc. She was supportive, for awhile.

I think everyone spending time together is important. It hasn't happened in my poly yet, between my wife's lovers, or mine, but I hope for it.

My GF wasn't really into the poly thing either, I'm starting to think that it's a more important component to a functional relationship than I previously did.


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